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HUMORS 





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Book J31k 

Copyright N° 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



GERMAN 
WIT AND HUMOR 






A COLLECTION FROM VARIOUS SOURCES 

CLASSIFIED UNDER 

APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS 




PHILADELPHIA 

GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO 

PUBLISHERS 



:., 



-FN W' 



THB LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Copies Received 

AUG *4 190S 

Copyright Entry 

'CLASS <^ XXc. No 

COPY B. 



Copyright, 1903, by 

George W. Jacobs & Company 

Published, August, jgoj 



Contents 

CHAP. PAGE 

I. Humor of the Sixteenth Cen- 
tury 5 

II. Humor of the Seventeenth Cen- 
tury 10 

III. For Gunners 22 

IV. For Doctors . 37 

V. For Lawyers 57 

VI. A Chapter for Composers and 

Music Lovers 74 

VII. For and About Travelers, Tour- 
ists, and Summer Boarders . 102 

VIII. On Cycling 117 

IX. Authors, Scientists, Artists, and 

other Celebrities .... 120 

X. On the Stage and Off . . . . 154 

XI. The German Soldier . . . . 162 

XII. Crowned Heads and Some of 

Their Famous Statesmen and 

Generals 180 

XIII. Students in the Fatherland . . 234 

XIV. Women and Children .... 246 
XV. Miscellaneous 269 

3 



German Wit and Humor 

CHAPTER I 

Humor of the Sixteenth Century 

The Fool's Lesson 
When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg — 
the fame of his notorious pranks having pre- 
ceded him — several of the best citizens asked 
him to give them a sample of his buffoonery. 
He said he would do so, and promised to fly 
from the roof of a house on the market-place. 
The news spread rapidly, and old and young 
hurried there to see him fly. For some time 
Eulenspiegel stood on the low roof, moving his 
arms and acting as if he were going to fly, then 
he burst out laughing and cried : " I thought I 
was the only fool in the world, but I see that 
here are almost a whole city full of them. If 
you had told me that you were going to fly, I 
should not have believed you ; and yet you be- 
lieved me, a well-known fool. How should I 
be able to fly ? I am neither a goose nor any 
other kind of a bird. I have no wings, and 
without wings and feathers nobody can fly. 
Now you see, I told you a falsehood.' ' 
5 



6 (Serman limit anfc Ibumor 

He turned and left the roof, while the crowd 
separated, some laughing, some swearing, but 
all agreeing, that though he was a fool, he had 
told them the truth. 



The Wisdom of a Fool 

"A fool may sometimes be a better judge 
than a wise man," writes Johannes Andrea of a 
fool. Once a beggar entered the kitchen of a 
tavern. A large piece of meat was roasting on 
the spit, and the poor man took his bread from 
his pocket and held it over the roast, so the 
odor would penetrate it, then he ate it. When 
all his bread was gone he turned to leave, but 
the host went after him and demanded his pay. 
The poor man said, " You did not give me 
either meat or drink ; so what should I pay 
you for ? ' ' 

The host replied, " You feasted on what was 
mine, on the odor of the roast, and you shall 
pay me for that." 

They went to court about it, but judgment 
was suspended, until next court-day. Now one 
of the judges had a fool at home, and at dinner 
this case was talked about. Said the fool : 
" Pay the host with the jingle of the money, as 
the poor man feasted on the odor of the roast." 



©etman Wit anD Ibumor 7 

When court-day came around the fool's ad- 
vice was followed. 

A Good Shot 
A man passing through a forest, saw an old 
blind bear. A young bear, whose tail was in 
the old bear's mouth, led him. The man took 
his gun and shot the young bear's tail off. 
Then he took hold of it and led the blind bear 
for two miles to market at Stuttgart. 



The One-legged Crane 

A knight invited his father-confessor to din- 
ner. The holy father arrived while the knight 
was still at church, and being hungry went to 
the kitchen where all kinds of meat were roast- 
ing. He said to the cook: " The roasts are 
now at their best ; give me a leg from this crane 
and then I'll wait for dinner." But the cook 
replied : "I cannot do that ; my master would 
send me away if I brought the bird, mutilated 
like that, to the table. Take it yourself, then 
he cannot blame me." 

The confessor took a knife and cut the leg 
off, had the cook give him bread and wine, and 
sat down to enjoy it. At dinner the crane was 
served lying on his wounded side. The knight 



8 ©etman TKHit an& Ibumor 

asked at once in an angry tone : " Where is the 
other leg ? ' ' His confessor, who sat next to 
him, whispered to him to keep quiet before his 
guests, that after dinner he would prove to him 
that the bird had only had one leg. 

As soon as dinner was over, the knight asked 
his confessor to take a walk with him. They 
went outside the town. On the way the knight 
said : " You insisted that the bird had only one 
leg; how is that?" " I will show you," re- 
turned the confessor, and took him to a meadow 
where between thirty and forty cranes were 
standing, all, as usual, on one leg. Pointing to 
them he said : " Look, all those birds have only 
one leg." The knight clapped his hands and 
chased them. The cranes grew frightened, 
stretched their necks, put down their feet, and 
ran. Said the knight to the confessor : " How 
now ? You see that they have two legs ? ' ' 
Says the confessor : " Dear sir, if you had 
clapped your hands like this at the table, the 
other leg would have put in an appearance 100." 

Justice Obscured by a Pig 

There was a poor widow, who had a case at 

court. She brought to the judge a little pot of 

sour cream ; he was to protect her cause. He 

bade her hope for the best and said that she had 



German WLit anfc Ibumor 9 

a good case, and need not worry. She was 
glad. 

Then came the opponent. He was rich, and 
brought the judge a young pig. When the case 
came up, the woman lost her suit. She went to 
the judge and said : " Sir, where is my little 
pot of cream?" He answered: "The little 
pig knocked it over." 



CHAPTER II 
Humor of the Seventeenth Century 

The Farmer's Belief 

A farmer went to confession and the priest 
asked him if he knew anything about the Trinity. 
The good man knew nothing about it. The 
priest did his best to explain it to him and at 
last said: " My good friend, to make it still 
plainer to you, imagine yourself God the Father, 
respect your son as if he were the Son of God, 
and take your wife to be the Holy Ghost. Now 
remember, you three are as one. You are one 
household and live together; that makes a 
trinity." With this the good man went home. 

A year later, he came again to confess. The 
priest asked him at once whether he believed 
now in a trinity. "No," said the farmer, "I 
only believe in the first two, the Father and the 
Son, in those two I believe firmly. In the Holy 
Ghost I don't believe at all ; for everything that 
the Father and the Son gain by hard, heavy 
labor, the Holy Ghost squanders and spends." 
The priest had to give up trying to enlighten the 
10 



German WLit anD Ibumor 11 

good farmer. He absolved him and let him de- 
part. 

The Monk's Trick 
A nobleman was walking across the country 
with a barefooted monk. They came to a brook 
and found the bridge had disappeared. The 
nobleman asked the monk, as he was without 
shoes, to carry him across. The monk did so, 
but when they were in the middle of the brook 
he asked the nobleman if he had any money 
with him. He answered: "Yes." — "Oh," 
said the monk, "we are forbidden to carry 
money," and dropped the nobleman into the 
brook. 



A Brief Sermon 
A priest who had not studied much, came into 
the pulpit and said: "I will briefly speak of 
three things to-day. The first I know, and you 
do not. The second you know, and I do not. 
The third none of us knows. That my trousers 
are torn, I know. Whether you are going to 
give me a new pair, you know. Our sexton had 
a fresh barrel of beer put in ; but whether that 
beer is good, none of us knows ; so come along 
and let us taste it." 



12 ©erman Wiit anfc Ibumoc 

A Bright Reply 

Three young noblemen were riding by a field 
in which a farmer was working among his cab- 
bages. They rode up to him, and one said : 
" My good man, what will you give us, if we 
prove to you that you are a cabbage ? ' ' The 
farmer answered : " Nothing, for I can do those 
tricks as well as you. Now I can prove to you, 
that your saddles are mules.' ' At this the young 
sparks shouted with laughter and said : " Well, 
tell us all about it." The farmer answered: 
" Why, all my life, I have known that anything 
between a horse and an ass has been called a 
mule." 



A Large Recipe 

A good but stupid countryman stopped with 
his farm wagon before a drug-store in the town, 
and began to unload a big, heavy door. The 
druggist, much surprised, said : " What do you 
want with that here ? The carpenter lives over 
there." Said the farmer : "It is all right. My 
wife is ill, the doctor has been to see her and 
wrote the prescription with chalk on this door, as 
we had no pen and ink. Now, sir, please make 
it up. I am in a great hurry." 



©erman WLit an& Ibumor is 

A Trapful 

" Once I caught in my trap a wild duck, a fox, 
and a nine pound carp." 

" How did it happen ? " 

" Near the pond, a fox saw a duck ; he sneaked 
up to catch her. Springing at her, he caught 
her by the wing, but the duck managed to get 
into the water. The fox holding on to her wing 
followed her ; but a big carp swam up behind 
and bit him in his leg. The fox closes his claws 
so tight on the carp that it cannot get away 
again. Now the trap was close by, and the 
duck fluttered into it. The fox not willing to 
lose her, follows in and pulls the carp after 
him." 

His Turn 
A woman whose little child would not go to 
sleep at night, wakened her husband, to take his 
turn for a while in nursing it, as it was as much 
his part as hers. "You are right," said the 
husband, turning on his other side, " you rock 
your part, I'll let mine scream." 

A Sympathetic Parson 
A parson preached in Holy week so touchingly 
about the Lord's suffering, that the whole con- 
gregation began to sob. Then the minister, who 



14 <3erman TOt an& Ibumor 

was a very tender-hearted man and did not like 
to see anybody weep, said : " My dear friends, be 
comforted ; it all happened so long ago, who 
knows whether it is true." 

Delated Justice 
Once a farmer complained to his minister, that 
his landlord persecuted him most shamefully. 
The parson comforted the farmer saying : " The 
pitcher goes to the well until it breaks ; and if 
he does not get his just punishment in this world 
he will surely suffer all the more in the next.' , 
Answered the farmer : " Yes, but if the rascal 
repents on his deathbed, what then?" 

Luck 

The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, 
had been explaining the miracles, and finally 
asked a boy: " Jacob, your father is a roofer. 
What would you call it, if you came home, and 
heard that your father had fallen from the roof 
of the church tower, without breaking his neck ? " 

"Luck." 

" So, luck ? But if you came home a second 
time and heard the same thing ? ' ' 

"An accident." 

"But the third time?" 

"A lie, sir." 



©etman TOtt anD f)umor 15 

Somewhat Mixed 

An amiable host had to send late at night for 
a carriage to take home his four friends, who 
had taken too much of his wine. He gave the 
driver the street and house number of each one, 
and went to bed. He was in his first sleep 
when his door-bell was rung violently. 

1 ' What is the matter ? " he called from his 
window, seeing that the carriage with his guests 
had returned. 

" Oh, sir," cries the driver, " please sort them 
out once more for me ; they got all mixed up ! " 



The Wrong Man 

A monk, a farmer, and a barber met on a 
journey. At night they went into a tavern, but 
when it was time to go to sleep the barber said : 
" Listen, friends, to me; this place looks sus- 
picious. I hope they won't rob us in the night." 

" Yes," assented the monk, " I don't feel easy 
about it either ; but what can we do ? We can't 
sit here all night, we are all three dog-tired." 

" Oh, I know what we can do," answered the 
barber. " One of us must watch while the 
others sleep. We will draw lots who shall be 
first, second, and third watch." 

The monk and the farmer agreed to this. 



16 ©erman WLit and Ibumor 

Lots were drawn, and the barber was to watch 
first, the farmer second, and the monk last. 
The barber kept watch faithfully, and after he 
had done everything to keep awake he took 
from his bundle his scissors and other tools and 
soaped the farmer's head and then shaved it as 
bald as the monk's. When his time was up he 
shook the farmer and called: " Get up, man, 
it is your turn now ! ' ' 

The farmer awoke, but when, still stupid with 
sleep, he put his hand to his head and found no 
hair, he grew angry and cried : ' ' What a fool 
that barber is ; he was to waken me, and he has 
wakened the monk instead." 



The Rogue's Coat 

A hypocrite came into a shop where clothes 
were sold, and asked for a coat. Different 
kinds were shown to him, but none pleased him. 
" I need one that is black on one side and white 
on the other, but of the same material on both 
sides." 

"Strange," said the merchant; "by your 
face I judge you to be an honest man, and yet 
you ask — how shall I express it ? — well, frankly, 
for a rogue's coat." 

"But, my goodness!" replied the buyer, 



©erman 'Mtt anD f>umor 17 

smilingly, " don't you know at all in what kind 
of a world we are living? You can't get along 
with one coat. The pulpit demands one kind, 
the court-house another, the cafe another, the 
office another, the platform another, the assem- 
bly another, the bedroom another. If you meet 
ten people within five minutes it is possible that 
you will have to turn your coat ten times." 

"That may be," murmured the merchant, a 
simple, honest German, "but if the devil gets 
you in a black coat, what good will a white one 
do you? " 

His Wiser Half 

A man had loaned to another fifty gulden, 
but having a poor memory he had forgotten who 
had borrowed it. He was much worried about 
it and told his wife. She was clever, as all 
women are, and told him what to do. " Go, to- 
morrow morning early, through the town," said 
she, "and whenever a friend or acquaintance 
bids you good -day, answer, ' Thank you, but I 
would rather have ready money.' " 

" I'll do it," said he man, and went out early 
next morning. Everybody took his answer for 
fun, until he met his debtor. 

" This is an insult," said he. "I don't care to 
owe anything to anybody who reminds me of it 



18 German limit and Dumot 

in such a rude way," and gave the money back 
at once. 

Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen 
"When at last my parents gave their con- 
sent to my traveling, my uncle took me on a 
trip to Ceylon. Our vessel arrived there after a 
stormy voyage of six weeks. About two weeks 
after our arrival the Governor's son asked me to 
go hunting with him. I accepted the invitation. 
Now my friend was a big, strong man, used to 
the heat, but I, unused to it, soon grew tired 
and lagged behind. 

" I was just going to sit down by the shore of 
a raging river, when I heard a noise behind me 
on the road. I looked back and saw an im- 
mense lion coming towards me, who plainly in- 
dicated that he meant to make his breakfast off 
me, without waiting even to ask my permission. 
My gun was loaded only with shot. I had no 
time to think, and in my confusion I deter- 
mined to fire at the beast in the hope of frighten- 
ing him away. But in my anxiety I did not 
wait until the lion came within the range of my 
gun. The noise made him furious, and he came 
at me with a rush. More from instinct than 
sober reflection, I turned to run, but — even now 
it makes me shudder to think of it — a few feet 



German Wit anfc feumor 19 

from me stood a horrible crocodile, with mouth 
wide open, ready to swallow me. 

" Just imagine, gentlemen, the frightful posi- 
tion I was in ! Behind me the lion, before me 
the crocodile, to my left a raging river, to my 
right an abyss, in whose depths, as I afterwards 
learned, the most poisonous snakes abounded. 
Almost fainting I dropped to the ground. In a 
few moments I heard a loud, strange noise. 
When at last I dared to raise my head to look 
around, what do you think had happened ? 
The immense force with which the lion jumped, 
the moment I dropped to the ground, had 
carried him over and beyond me, straight into 
the crocodile's open mouth. The head of the 
one stuck in the throat of the other, and they 
fought with all their might to get away from 
each other. I sprang up just in time, drew my 
hunting knife and, with one stroke, severed the 
lion's head, the body falling at my feet. Then 
I took my gun and rammed the head down 
further into the crocodile's throat, choking him 
to death. 

"Soon after I had gained this great victory 
over two terrible foes, my friend returned to see 
what had become of me. After congratulations 
we measured the crocodile and found his length 
to be forty feet, seven inches. 



20 ©etman WLit anfc Ibumor 

"As soon as we had told this extraordinary 
adventure to the Governor, he sent several men 
with a wagon to fetch the two animals to his 
house. 

"From the lion's skin I had a furrier make 
tobacco pouches, some of which I presented to 
my friends. The crocodile was stuffed and 
mounted, and is now one of the greatest curiosi- 
ties of the museum at Amsterdam." 

Munchausen's Partridges 
"One day I went into the woods to try a 
new gun, and had used up all my ammunition 
when a covey of partridges rose from almost 
under my feet. The desire to have a few 
of them on my dinner table that night gave me 
a bright idea. As soon as I saw where the 
birds lit, I loaded my gun, but instead of shot I 
put in the ramrod, which I had pointed at the 
upper end as well as I could in a hurry. Then 
I went towards the birds, pulled the trigger 
as they flushed, and had the pleasure of seeing 
seven spitted on my ramrod. As I tell you, 
gentlemen, there is nothing like being able to 
help oneself. " 

Munchausen's Black Fox 
"Another time in a forest in Russia, I came 



©erman Wit anfc Ibumor 21 

across a magnificent black fox. Shooting him 
would never do, as it would spoil his beautiful 
fur. Now, Mr. Fox stood close to a tree. In- 
stantly I took the bullet from my gun and put 
in its place a large nail, fired, and hit him 
so skilfully that his tail was nailed to the tree. 
I went quietly up to him, took my hunting- 
knife, made a cross cut over his face, took 
my whip and beat him out of his beautiful fur 
so nicely that it was a joy and a real wonder to 
see." 



CHAPTER III 
For Gunners 

An Enthusiastic Nimrod 

The night before the opening of the partridge 
season, a gunner and his dog were crouching 
under some bushes. The time was five minutes 
to twelve. The dog was getting restless. 

" Hold on, Feldman — only five minutes more 
— and then we can go for them ! " 

Pleasure of Tiger Hunting 
A gentleman who had spent some time in 
India and had been on several tiger hunts, was 
asked whether he found it pleasant sport. 
" Oh/' he replied, " it is very pleasant sport as 
long as you are chasing the tiger, but should he 
happen to chase you, it has its drawbacks." 

A Staff as a Firearm 
A poor Jew was tramping through a forest. 
Suddenly a wolf came running towards him. 
Dreadfully frightened the Jew raised his staff, 
but fortunately at the same moment, a hunter 
who was lurking behind some bushes, shot 
22 



©erman TDQit anfc Dumot 23 

at the wolf and killed him. " God's blessing," 
cried the Jew, who did not see the gunner, but 
had heard the shot : "I have carried this staff 
for twenty years, and never knew that it was 
loaded!" 

A Master Shot 
"Something remarkable happened to me 
yesterday. I went gunning and saw two 
rabbits, about twenty-five feet apart, taking 
a nap in the grass. Now what to do to get 
them, I hardly knew. Quickly I pulled the two 
barrels of my gun apart, drew the trigger and 
both rabbits were mine." 

Recognized 

A, relating his first gunning adventure: — 
" What do you think of this, gentlemen ! Some 
time ago, while I was on the lookout for game, 
along comes a rabbit and sits down not far from 
me. I shoot, but the rabbit does not move. I 
shoot again, but still the rabbit does not budge. 
Now my patience is at an end. I run towards 
him, and when I get close enough to knock him 
down, up rises my rabbit and is off. Now 
how do you explain this, gentlemen ? M 

Old Gunner: — "Well, that rabbit read you 
all right. He thought : As long as he only 



24 ©erman Wit an& Ibumot 

shoots, there is no danger ; but when he comes 
himself, then it's time to skip." 

Never at a Loss 

Gunner: — " You always insisted that your 
old gun did not shoot straight, but now that you 
have a new one, you don't seem to hit any- 
thing, either." 

Sunday Gunner : — " Yes, but now the rabbits 
don't run straight." 

A Malicious Proposition 

Gunner: — "I should just like to know 
whether that dark speck over there is a driver 
or a deer." 

Forster: — "We can soon find out. You 
just shoot at it ; if you hit it, it is a driver; if 
you don't, it's certain that it is a deer." 

He Wanted Witnesses 
Gunner (who has shot a rabbit at last) : 
— " Oh, for some witnesses to this ! " 

Enlightened Him 

Baron (to his neighbor at a pheasant hunt) : 
— " Did you not notice ; I hit that pheasant — 
the feathers flew ! " 

Forster: — "Yes, I saw it — so did the 
pheasant." 



©erman TKntt and Dumot 25 

The Stolen Deer 

Poacher : — " Your Reverence, I have a beau- 
tiful deer for sale." 

His Reverence: — "A deer? What? Did 
you say a deer, Seppel ? How long is it since I 
reasoned with you and tried to make you under- 
stand what a bad fellow you are ! Did I not 
tell you that if you shoot a deer, you commit a 
great crime and that such a deer is as good as 
stolen ? My, but I am angry ! Seppel, take 
that deer right to the kitchen, I don't want to 
see any more of it. ' ' 

A Poor Excuse 

Forster: — " Now I have caught you — what 
are you doing here with that gun? " 

Poacher : — " Oh, my ! Herr Forster, I am so 
down on my luck, that I thought I'd just go 
into the woods and shoot — myself." 

A Gunner's Memory 

A : — " Have you heard the news ? The Ober- 
forster shot four deer yesterday ! " 

B: — " He told me he got two." 

A: — "Is that possible? Why, I spoke to 
him only about five minutes ago, at the Golden 
Star Inn." 



26 German Wit anfc Ibumot 

B: — "Oh, that explains it. I spoke to him 
half an hour ago." 



Improving Opportunities 

Clerk (to his principal) : — "Can I have this 
afternoon off, sir, — an old aunt of mine is to be 
buried?" 

Principal: — "Very well, but the next time 
you bury an aunt, you might bring me a couple 
of rabbits." 

A Gunning Yarn 

A gentleman just returned from Brazil, boasted 
of the many gorillas he had killed there. 
" That must have been very difficult," remarked 
one of the listeners. 

"It certainly was," said the narrator, "but I 
knew how to take advantage of the monkey's 
passion for imitating us." 

"How?" 

' < It was very simple. In places where I sus- 
pected the presence of gorillas, I loaded a pistol 
with a blind cartridge, turned it upon myself 
and fired ; then I left a heavily loaded one on 
the ground and retired. Returning to the place 
later on, I invariably found the carcass of a 
gorilla, who had shot himself." 



Serrnan WLit and Ibumor 27 

A Sign of Recognition 
A good shot knows when he has missed ; a 
poor one does not know when he has hit. 

Too Small a Price 

Gunner : — " Would you believe that I shot 
ninety-nine rabbits within two hours ? " 

Host : — " Why don't you say one hundred at 
once? " 

Gunner: — " You don't think I'd make a liar 
of myself for just one rabbit ? " 

Banter 

Lehman: — "Gentlemen, I must tell you a 
pretty story of my friend Muller ! Recently, 
while out gunning, he shot at a rabbit, but, of 
course, missed him. Now instead of running 
away, the rabbit went up to friend Muller, bowed 
and said quite distinctly : ' Excuse me, sir, but 
I wish to congratulate you. You shot at me 
to-day for the twenty-fifth time, without hitting 
me!'" 

Muller: — " My friend Lehman's story needs 
a supplement. You must know that I intro- 
duced myself to that rabbit. ' What,' cried the 
rabbit, very pale, s your name is Muller ! I 
thought it was Lehman ! ' and he is off like a 
flash." 



28 German TOUt and Ibumor 

Cautious 

Forster : — " Sepp, the squire is coming to-day. 
He is going to hunt." 

Sepp: — "Then I had better go at once and 
lock up the dogs." 

Forster : — " Yes, and the calf too. The cow 
you might leave in the field. " 

Sepp: — " Don't know about that." 

Forster : — " Well, lock her up too ; better be 
on the safe side." 



Queer 
{t Well this is killing ! I shoot at a rabbit and 
hit a snipe ! " 

A Dog's Intelligence 
A gunner tells the following story of a dog's 
astonishing cleverness. The dog received every 
day from his master two pennies, to go to the 
baker's and get for himself some rolls to eat 
for breakfast. The master watching him, 
noticed that for several days, he came home 
without his rolls. He followed him, and saw 
him come from a butcher's with a piece of 
sausage. For five days the dog had saved his 
pennies until he had enough to buy the piece 
of sausage. 



©erman HHit and Ibumor 29 

Caught Him 
At a hunt a farmer saw a badger slip into a 
hole, and at once he put his hand in to capture 
the animal. A hunter who was present, asked 
the farmer : " Have you caught him ? " The 
farmer, whose hand the badger was biting hard, 
screamed : " No, but he has caught me!" 



Thoroughly Reformed 

Warden : — "Now, Killian, you are free once 
more. I hope you will let this term in prison 
be a warning to you, to curb your passion for 
poaching. You are a family man, and you 
ought to have more consideration for your poor 
wife and young children." 

Killian (moved to tears): — "Oh yes, sir, I 
see you mean well by me. You just wait and 
see if I don't bring to you the first deer I can 
shoot! " 

He Remembered 

Gunner: — " Say, sonny, did you see a rabbit 
running this way? " 

Boy:— "I did, sir!" 

Gunner : — " How long ago? " 

Boy: — "'Bout three years ago last Christ- 
mas." 



30 German Mit anfc Ibumot 

Great Consolation 

Count A had lately returned from the 

South of Asia. Several of his friends called on 
him to invite him to a hunt. " Gentlemen," he 
said, languidly, "I am now so used to hunting 
tigers, that a hunt without danger to life, has no 
attractions for me." 

"Well," said one of the hunters, drily, 
" don't let that worry you ; I shot at my brother- 
in-law yesterday, while we were out gunning ! " 

Logic 

(Two farmers going through a field.) A : — 
"What are you running all at once for? You 
are not afraid of a rabbit ? ' ' 

B:— "Rabbit! Who cares for a rabbit! 
But where there is a rabbit, there is a gunner 
not far off. I don't care to have him blaze 
away at me." 

On a Bear Hunt 
An old Oberforster told the following yarn : — 
"You can never imagine, gentlemen, the num- 
ber of bears there are in Russia, unless, like 
myself, you have been there. Once a friend 
and myself made an excursion from Petersburg 
to the hunting-ground in Finland. We had not 
been on the lookout very long, when my friend 



©etman TDGUt an& Ibumot 31 

whispered : * There are two coming this way — 
you can take the right one, I the left one.' A 
double shot, and both monsters were rolling on 
the ground. At that instant several more bears 
appeared. Bang — bang — bang — and they are 
all stretched on the ground, in less than a 
minute." 

" Oh, but how did you get time to load your 
guns, sir? " 

"Oh, pshaw! In our excitement we never 
thought of that! " 

A Very Remarkable Shot 
Herr von N. was a passionate lover of hunt- 
ing, and though he seldom hit anything, he 
boasted the more. He was giving a large dinner- 
party, and, as usual on such occasions, had his 
man-servant standing behind his chair, so he 
could appeal to him, as a witness of his heroic 
deeds. " Now, gentlemen, I must tell you of a 
very remarkable shot I made the other day. 
I shot a very large deer through the right hind 
leg and the right ear. What do you think of 
that? " Everybody laughed. 

"John, you were there," cried Herr von N., 
" you can testify to it." 

"Most certainly," replied the servant, "it is 
all perfectly true. The deer — if the gentlemen 



32 ©erman mit and Ibumot 

will forgive my mentioning it — was scratching 
his ear at the very moment my master hit it." 
The laughter grew to a roar. John stooped 
over his master and whispered in his ear: 
"When your Honor tells a story next, please 
don't have things so far apart or I might not be 
able to put them together as well." 

A Kind Neighbor 

" Will you permit me, friend, to shoot one of 
the ducks in this pond? I'll give you two 
marks for it." 

" Certainly, sir ! " 

The gunner pays the money, kills the duck, 
and, encouraged by his luck, asks the farmer if 
he may have a second one, pays him two more 
marks and kills another duck. 

" Would you allow me to shoot a third one ? " 

" Sure, shoot all you want to ; the ducks don't 
belong to me, but to my neighbor." 

A Good Excuse 

Farmer (to another): — "I caught a rabbit 
yesterday. He won't get into my cabbage patch 
again ! " 

Forster (coming up behind): — "So, that's 
right ; and pray what did you do with that rabbit, 
you rascal?" 



©erman TWUt anD l>umot 33 

Farmer: — "Well, well, what should I have 
done with him ! Look here, sir ; I just took the 
beast, belabored his fur well with my stick and 
carried him into the next field. He won't come 
back here ! ' ' 

Forster : — " Don't doubt it at all ! " 

Killed One 

Forster: — "Well, Doctor, what did you 
shoot?" 

Doctor: — "Oh, ah — I — killed one rabbit — 
and — wounded three." 

Age Limit 

City Swell: — "What a magnificent animal 
a fully grown deer is ! How old do they get? " 

Gamekeeper : — " Well, you see, that depends 
on — when they are shot ! " 

Contradiction 
Forster (to gunner) : — "What did you shoot 
at?" 

"At a doe, sir, — but I missed her ! " 
"What, you shot at a doe? Haven't you 
any eyes in your head? You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself (furiously) to shoot at a 
doe — and then to miss her besides ! ' ' 



34 ©erman limit anfc Ibumot 

Somewhat Uncertain 
Forster (to a gunner, who instead of rabbits, 
has killed several dogs) : — " Say, when you are 
done with the dogs, tell us, so we can clear out 
in time ! " 

A Gentle Hint 
Teacher (to the Forster's son) : — "Are there 
many rabbits in your father's district ? " 
Pupil :— " Oh yes, sir, lots ! " 
Teacher : — " That's queer ; I never saw one." 

A True Sunday Gunner 

A : — " Well, aren't you coming yet ? " 

B : — " It takes that fellow a long time to get 
his duds together 1 " 

A : — " You haven't forgotten anything ? 
You've got the ham, the sausage, the pheasant ? " 

C : — " Yes, I have them ; I haven't forgotten 
a thing." 

A:— "Then let's be off!" 

C (Pulling his mustache) : — " Good gracious ! 
I "did forget something ! " 

A:— "What is it?" 

C : — " I left my gun at home ! " 

A Good Excuse 
Baron von Rothschild has made it a strict 



©etman TKttft atrt> Ibumor 35 

rule that none of his guests are to take any of 
the game shot on his preserves away with them. 
Though he knew this, a gentleman wished to 
take home to his wife, one of the pheasants he had 
shot. He hung it up the chimney in his room, 
and in the evening hid it in his bag. Early 
the following morning Baron Rothschild came 
into his guest's room to take leave of him and 
at the same time to see whether his friend was 
going with his gunning bag empty. A setter 
had followed the Baron into the room, and as he 
smelled the bird at once, he hunted all over the 
room until he finally pulled the finest pheasant 
from the guest's bag. " You see, Baron, know- 
ing that you send to market all the game that 
is killed here for you, I retained this pheasant 
to mark him and so be able to recognize him at 
the market stall. Farewell I " 

Consolation 

A: — "I tell you, when I count what my 
license costs, what my board comes to, while 
on a gunning trip, what I ruin in clothes and 
boots, what my neglect of business amounts to, 
every rabbit I kill costs me about twenty 
marks ! " 

B : — " Then you may thank your stars that 
you hit so few." 



36 (Berman Mtt anfc Ibumot 

Putting a Stop to Gunners' Yarns 
Canon, the well-known painter, who died re- 
cently, was an enthusiastic gunner. Often dur- 
ing the gunning season he would join other 
friends of the sport at the hotel, and experiences 
would be exchanged. Now Canon hated all 
extravagant, impossible yams, and one evening 
when some gunners tried to outdo each other, 
his patience gave way. His strong voice rose 
above the din, and everybody listened to the 
following story : " My setter dog," he began, 
" has the finest sense of smell ; a finer does not 
exist. One day we were out partridge hunting, 
but had no luck ; after a three hours' tramp not 
a shot had been fired. Suddenly my dog stood 
still, and then began scratching at the root of a 
small bush. We approached cautiously. The 
dog kept on digging, and after he had made 
quite a hole, one of us went up and helped him. 
All of a sudden he brought to me — a new 
porcelain pipe with a partridge painted on it. I 
always carry it with me as a souvenir." He 
put his hand in his pocket and laid the pipe on 
the table. Shouts of laughter greeted it, but 
there were no more gunning yarns after that. 



CHAPTER IV 

For Doctors 

Depends Upon Which He Strikes 
Professor: — "Gentlemen, I am going to 
begin my lecture to-day, with the diseases 
of mankind. When a person is ill, nature and 
disease are fighting each other. The doctor 
comes and beats about with a club, so to speak ; 
if he strikes the disease, the person will recover ; 
if he strikes nature, the patient dies. ' ' 

At the Clinic 
" Yes, beloved hearers, every hour must find 
us prepared to die. Death is inevitable, yes al- 
most sure ! " 

Absent-Minded 
Professor: — "Gentlemen, I can inform you 
that during the past month, more boys than 
girls were born in our city ; but as to the wed- 
dings celebrated during the same period, the 
number of women who were married exceeds 
that of the men considerably." 
37 



38 ©etman limit and Ibumot 

Entered In 
" Gentlemen, at the last lecture we studied 
the outer form and structure of the stomach; 
to-day we will enter into the stomach itself/' 

At an Operation 
" Please, gentlemen, put your knives away 
now, and take your fingers in your hand." 

At the Hospital 
Professor : — " We have no patient here to-day 
who needs an operation, but as his Highness, 
our patron, wishes to attend one, we will try 
one on this man here. He is a stranger in the 
city, so it will be all right." 

Consistency 

Doctor: — "Do you make experiments at 
your hospital ?" 

Professor: — "I should say so! We have, 
for instance, three divisions for inflammation of 
the lungs. In the first, the patients are not 
given anything ; in the second, they are given 
tartar-emetic; in the third, tartar-emetic and 
they are also bled. In all three divisions deaths 
are about even." 

Doctor: — "Don't you think that many a 



©erman Wit ano t)umor 39 

patient of the first division could be saved, by 
being bled?" 

Professor : — " Don't doubt it, but it can't be 
done. We must be firm, to reach the desired 
result.' ' 



The Ruling Passion 
Miser: — "If, as you say, there is nothing 

more to be done for me, I should like it better 

if you could fix it so that I shall be dead 

and buried by New Year." 

Doctor : — " What do you wish that for ? " • 
Miser: — "Because I could save a lot of 

money on New Year's presents." 



The Medicine Chest 

A ship's doctor was in the habit of prescrib- 
ing seawater for most ills. One day by an 
unlucky accident, he fell overboard. " Hello, 
Jack," called one sailor to another, " the doctor 
fell into his medicine chest ! " 



Doctors Not Unlike Policemen 
The prince of R. once said to Hufeland: 
You are a famous physician. You know the 



40 (Serman WLit an& Ibumot 

human body so well inside and out, that you 
ought to be able to cure all ills ! " 

"It is with doctors as with policemen,' ' 
replied Hufeland. " We know the streets well, 
but how the houses look on the inside, we can 
only guess at." 

Bound to Succeed 

"Say, surgeon," thundered the Colonel, 
4( several more soldiers have died and you don't 
even seem to know the cause of so many 
deaths !" 

"Oh, I shall get at the mystery," returned 
the surgeon, " if it takes the whole regiment." 

The Co-laborers 

Lady: — "Would you mind telling me, Doc- 
tor, how it is that you have so many patients? " 

Doctor: — "That is very simple. I have 
three fine agents, who work for me and bring 
me patients, without being paid for it; they 
are Poverty, Intemperance, and Imagination." 

No Need of a Doctor 

Doctor : — "While taking this cure, you must 
diet yourself strictly ; avoid all fatty and acid 
foods; and leave beer and wine alone." 

Patient: — "Hold on, Doctor; if I must do 



©erman llHltt anD Ibumor 41 

without all that, I'll get well without you. If 
you can't help me to be well, while I eat and 
drink what I like, I have no use for either 
yourself or your science ! " 

Practice Makes Perfect 

Doctor : — " Well, you are coughing with less 
exertion to-day ! " 

Patient: — "That's not surprising, Doctor, 
since I practiced at it all night.' ' 



A Dyeing Patient 

Doctor: — "My dear woman, your husband 
is in the greatest danger I His hands and arms 
are very red ; he has scarlet fever in the worst 
form ! " 

Wife: — "But, Doctor, my husband is a 
dyer, and was using red this morning." 

Doctor: — " Oh well, then I can perhaps save 
him yet ! " 

Curiosity 
"You see, Doctor, whenever I shake my 
head, my brain hurts dreadfully." 

" Why do you shake your head, then ? " 
"How else can I find out that my brain 
hurts?" 



42 ©erman Witt an& Ibumor 

The Greater Risk 

Doctor: — "Well, Moses, what has hap- 
pened? " 

Moses: — "What has happened? My wife 
drank coal-oil.' ' 

Moses, Jr. : — " Father, mother is calling for 
you constantly ; do go in to her, so she will get 
quiet ! " 

Moses : — " The Lord have mercy ! I should 
go to her? You go in first, Doctor.' ' 

Doctor : — " Why shall I go in first?" 

Moses : — "I have six children to support." 

Doctor :— " Well, and ? " 

Moses: — "Well, and? you ask, Doctor, and 
yet you are a smart man. What if she should 
explode the moment I was with her ? " 

Lung Trouble 

Countryman : — " Doctor, will you please pre- 
scribe a little something for me. I think some- 
thing is wrong with my lung." 

Doctor (after examining him): — "You go 
quietly home, my man; as long as you will 
live, your lung will hold out all right." 

How He Got Home 
Dr. Schneider was awakened at midnight by 
a stranger who asked him to come to a patient 



German TOtt and fcmmor 43 

at a little town two hours distant. "It is very 
urgent," added the messenger. The Doctor 
had his team brought around, and drove away 
with the stranger. Arrived at the town, the 
man jumped from the buggy, saying: "I am 
very much obliged to you, Doctor. I was dead 
tired and did not know how to get home, so I 
thought of you and your team. Now I shall be 
at home in a few minutes. I hope you will get 
home all right." 

Out of Joint 

Augusta: — "Well, Ricke, I tell you it is 
dreadful to be a servant in a Doctor's family ? 
Just think, every morning his bones are scat- 
tered all over the room ! ' ' 

Ricke: — "Good gracious! Does the man 
take himself apart every evening ? " 

Patience 

Minister (at a sick bed): — "Just have pa- 
tience, my good woman ; all will be well." 

Old country woman : — " It's easy to talk, sir, 
but I should just like to know what I have 
done. Lots of people die so easy, and it's kill- 
ing me ! " 

Death Loves a Shining Mark 
"Rebecca," said Reb Baruch, who was dan- 



44 German Wit and Ibumot 

gerously ill, to his wife, "get your most beauti- 
ful gown and dress yourself as for a wedding ! ' ' 

"Why? What for? What good would it 
do you? M 

" I'll tell you. If the angel of death should 
enter, and see you standing there, looking so 
beautiful, he might like you better, and take 
you instead of me ! " 

Rheumatism or Gout 
A physician who was asked the difference 
between rheumatism and gout, answered : If 
you take a vise, put a finger between, and turn 
until you can't stand it any longer, that's 
rheumatism; if you turn once more, that's 
gout." 



Humor on the Deathbed 
When Frank, a famous Vienna physician was 
dying, eight of his colleagues sat around his 
bed, in consultation. All at once the dying 
man laughed aloud and said : "I was just 
thinking of that French grenadier, who, at the 
battle of Wagram, fell after being struck by 
eight bullets, and whose last words were : 
Sapristi, it takes eight bullets to kill a French 
grenadier ! " 



German imitt an& ttumor 45 

Very 111 

A hospital physician asked a sick old man, 
how he was. 

"Oh, dear Doctor," said the good old fellow, 
"I feel so ill, that if some one told me I was 
dead, I should not be surprised." 

Poor Schleiermacher 
The famous preacher Schleiermacher had, 
during a severe illness, been under the care 
of the celebrated Dr. Grafe. After his re- 
covery, Schleiermacher wrote to him and en- 
closed in his letter four Friedrichsd'or — about 
thirty-one dollars. Grafe sent the amount back 
with this rude answer: " Wealthy people pay 
me what they like; the well-to-do pay the 
regular fee; the poor pay nothing." Where- 
upon Schleiermacher wrote: "Sir! For the 
return of the four Friedrichsd'or accept poor 
Schleiermacher's sincere thanks ! " 

Who Was Right 

The celebrated Dr. Heim, who was known 
to be often slightly intoxicated, was called while 
in that condition, into a family whose regular 
physician he was. 

The gentleman of the house, who was taken 
with an attack of acute indigestion, and was 



46 (Berman Wit an& Ibumoc 

suffering intense pain, confessed that it might 
be the result of having eaten too many raw- 
oysters. " Give him Chester cheese, and a 
good big portion of it," said Heim, and without 
another word, walked out. 

The patient's family, who imagined that 
cheese was more indigestible than oysters, shook 
their heads over their doctor's advice, and 
thinking that in his intoxicated condition he 
had made a big mistake, gave him rum instead 
of the cheese. A few hours later the patient 
died. 

The next morning Heim came to look after 
his patient. He was told that he had died in 
the night. 

"Didn't you give him the Chester cheese?" 
asked Heim. 

"No, Doctor, — we thought — you were — we 
gave him rum." 

"So," Heim cried furiously : " you thought, 
because I was drunk, you knew more of medi- 
cine than I, and in that mad idea killed your 
patient. But I want you to know, that even if 
I am drunk, I still know more of medicine, than 
you do in all your sobriety. Now you send for 
two dozen oysters at once, and I'll prove to you 
that even if I do drink a glass of wine, I know 
very well what I am talking about." 



©erman TKHit and Ibumor 47 

The oysters were brought, and at Heim's or- 
der, were divided and placed into two separate 
dishes. To those in one dish he put several 
slices of Chester cheese ; to the others he poured 
several glasses of rum. " Now, then," he said, 
" you let that stuff stand for a few hours and 
we'll see who knew best ! " 

Growling and scolding — for Heim was as 
famous for his roughness as for his skill — he 
went away. When he returned a few hours 
later and the dishes were uncovered, it was found 
that the oysters mixed with cheese had dissolved 
into a foam-like substance, while those soaked 
in rum were in an unchanged condition. 

"Well, who was right? " asked Heim. The 
unhappy relatives were forced to look upon 
themselves as the murderers of their beloved 
dead. 



A New Cure for Headache 
A lady patient, who often suffered from severe 
headaches, once asked Heim's pardon for trying 
a remedy which was said to be an infallible 
cure. She had been told when next the pain 
came on, to cover her head with cabbage. 
"Very good thing/' said Heim, "but don't 
forget to put a sausage on top of it." 



48 ©erman Wiit and Dumor 

Strange Effects of Alcohol 
One evening Heim was called into a family 
where the infant daughter had been suddenly 
taken with spasms. Heim felt the baby's pulse, 
shook his head, felt his own pulse, then the 
infant's again, and at last said : " The baby is 
drunk ; her pulse is exactly the same as mine." 
That seemed a queer diagnosis, but it was soon 
evident that old Heim was right as usual. 
There had been a celebration in the family that 
day, and the wet nurse had made use of the 
occasion to drink a bottle of wine on the sly. 



Good for Asses 

A lady of the aristocracy bothered old Heim 
dreadfully with questions as to what she could 
feed her baby on, to make it grow fat. One 
day she followed him to the house door. " One 
thing more, dear Doctor ! What is asses' milk 
good for? " 

" For young asses," replied Heim, and walked 
off. 

Wanted a Return for Her Money 
Cook: — "Good Frau, since there are two 
holy days coming, I am going to the hospital." 
Mistress : — " Why, Marie ! are you ill? " 



©erman Mit anD Ibumor 49 

Cook: — "No, thank God; there is nothing 
the matter with me, but I have paid my sick 
benefit regularly for six years, and I should like 
to get something out of it. ' ' 

His Reward 

" You are an awfully good-natured fellow, to 
give your man his medicine, yourself. Not 
many masters would do it." 

" Well, you see, the medicine tastes so hor- 
rid, that it is great fun to see the faces he makes, 
as I pour it down his throat." 

Better Than Half a Nose 
While operating upon an old man, Professor 
Billroth, of Vienna, told the physicians and stu- 
dents present the following amusing story : 
" Some time ago an old man came to me to 
consult me about the disease of his nose. He 
owned only half a one, and that was not worth 
much, so he thought I could operate upon it 
and give him a decent artificial one. I asked 
how old he was. ' I am eighty years old,' he 
said. 

" ' Do you think it necessary at that age to un- 
dergo an operation ? ' I asked of my patient. 

" ' Professor/ says the old fellow, c my father 
lived to be one hundred and twenty-five years 



50 ©erman TWit and Ibumot 

old, and I don't see why I should walk around 
for forty-five years with only half a nose. ' ' ' 

Kill or Cure 

The wife of a farmer in Westphalia was seri- 
ously ill, and the doctor was sent for. 

"I. have a hundred thalers in this bag here, 
doctor,'' said the well-to-do farmer, " and 
whether you kill her or cure her, you shall have 
the money." The patient died. A few months 
later, the doctor came to get the promised 
money. 

"I am ready to keep my promise," said the 
farmer, " but first you will answer me two ques- 
tions : did you kill my wife ? " 

"God forbid ! " said the doctor. "I cer- 
tainly could not say yes, to that ! " 

"So much the better. Well, then, did you 
cure her? " 

"No." 

" Then I am sorry I can't give you the money. 
If you wish to bring suit for it — I can't prevent 
you." 

The doctor took good care not to go to law 
about it. 

Dr. Schweninger as a Statue 
A porter once took a friend from the country 



©erman IHIlit anD Ibumor 51 

to show him around Munich, and among other 
places of interest they went to the University. 
The countryman wanted to know what the 
figures on the front of the building meant. The 
porter, to hide his ignorance, mentioned several 
great men of the time. Arrived at a scantily 
clad Greek philosopher, he says unblushingly : 
" That is Dr. Schweninger ! " 

" Oh, Bismarck's family doctor ! But why 
hasn't he a coat on?" 

" Well, you know, Seppel, since he cured the 
Chancellor, the people just fight over him, so it 
is no wonder he hasn't a coat left." 

An Uncertain Bargain 

At the clinic of the University of Kiel, ap- 
peared some time ago, a stalwart countryman 
about forty years of age, who asked Professor 
N. to buy his skeleton. " But, my good man," 
said he, looking him all over, "I am afraid we 
should have to wait a long time to come into 
possession of our own. What do you want the 
money for?" 

"Well, sir, I wanted to emigrate to Australia 
with it," replied the countryman. 

Natural Death 

« 

A traveler asked the host of a country tavern 



52 German TOtt an& Ibumor 

why, being ill, he did not send for a phy- 
sician ? 

"Well," replied the sick man, "the people 
of this village don't think anything of doctors ; 
we all like to die a natural death." 

"Got You at Last'* 

A physician from Baden-Baden tells this 
story : " It was a clear cold night — after twelve 
o'clock. I was returning from a visit in the 
country, and riding through the forests I heard 
the sounds of ax-strokes. There was no doubt 
about what this meant. I was in good humor, 
so I tied my horse to a tree, sneaked up close to 
the thieves, and watched their doings for a 
while. As they were giving the last strokes 
which were to bring down a beautiful tree, I 
jumped from behind my hiding-place, crying : 
* Got you at last, you villains ! ' 

" ' Clear out — it's the forester ! ' called a 
voice ; and as quick as lightning the whole 
company disappeared. One ax was left behind, 
and I took it as a trophy and rode home. The 
whole affair passed so quickly that I could not 
see distinctly any one of the trespassers. 

" Years passed, when one afternoon as I en- 
tered a tavern in Baden-Baden, my attention 
was drawn to a party playing cards. The game 



©erman TKIlit anD Ibumor 53 

seemed to be lost to the man whose back was 
turned to me. Suddenly he cried out : i Mine 
with the bower, and thank you ! ' It was the 
same voice, that years ago, had given the com- 
mand : i Clear out ! ' 

" A second game began. I stood behind my 
man looking at his cards. As he took up a 
long-expected trump I called to him unexpect- 
edly : < Got you at last, you villain ! ' Slowly 
the player turned around to me and said : 
' Where is my ax? ' " 

Drinks What is Good 

Druggist (to a countryman) : — " I can't recom- 
mend anything better than Dr. Muller's health- 
tea. That is good, and is sure to help you." 

Countryman: — ' ; Oh, if Dr. Muller makes 
it, let's have it. Dr. Muller doesn't drink any- 
thing bad." 

Precaution 

A patient is about to take gas to have a tooth 
pulled. While the dentist is making his prepara- 
tions, the man counts his money. " Oh, leave 
that until afterwards," says the dentist, thinking 
his patient wants to pay him in advance. 

" Why afterwards," cried he, "if you are go- 
ing to take my senses away, I want to know be- 



54 German TOit anfc Ibumor 

forehand, how much money I have in my pocket- 
book ! " 

Reciprocity 
A well-known and popular actor came to a 
dentist to have a tooth pulled. When the oper- 
ation was over he took out his purse. The den- 
tist seeing this, said : " You have given me pleas- 
ure so often, that I am pleased to be able to re- 
turn the favor, so never mind the pay ! " 

Secrets of Medical Science 
Among the effects of the famous Dr. Boer- 
have, was a well wrapped and sealed package, 
with this inscription: "The only and deepest 
secrets of medical science.' ' When his library 
was sold this package brought 20,000 marks. 
On breaking the seals, the purchaser found noth- 
ing but a few empty leaves, on the first one of 
which was written in large letters, Keep your 
head cool, your bowels open, your feet warm, 
and you can laugh at all doctors. 

A Pointed Answer 
Dr. M. whose bruskness was well known 
throughout Silesia, was going by coach one day 
from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room 
were several gentlemen waiting for the same 
coach. One of them came up to the doctor. 



(Berman TOtt anD Ibumor 55 

" Are you Dr. M. ? " he asked. 

" At your service,' ' was the answer. 

"I am glad to hear it. Since you know 
everything, you could possibly answer a ques- 
tion." 

" Perhaps so; let me hear what it is." 

" Well, you see my mustache is already gray, 
while the hair on my head is still black ; what is 
the cause of it ? ' ' 

Without a moment's reflection the doctor re- 
plied : " The cause is simply this, that you have 
always used your mouth more than your head." 

How He Took the Pills 

Doctor: — "Why, the boy is perfectly well 
again. I knew my pills would cure him. How 
did you take them, son ? In sugar water? " 

Boy : — " No, sir ; in the popgun. I shot spar- 
rows with them." 

Had Them in His Head 

"Can you name the bones of the skull?" 
asked a professor of a student. 

"I have them all in my head," was the an- 
swer, " but I can't think of the names just now." 

Too Much Mustard 
Doctor (to an emaciated patient): — "Now 



56 German TOit anD Ibumoc 

you want one mustard plaster on your chest and 
one on your back." 

Patient : — " Isn't that rather too much mustard 
for so little meat, doctor? " 



CHAPTER V 

For Lawyers 

Fame and Wealth 
The lawyer becomes famous through his 
cleverness, popular through his astuteness, but 
fat and wealthy through the foolishness of his 
fellow-men. 

Rewarded Industry 

' ' It is terrible how slow Secretary Meier 
works ! " exclaimed the President ; " there he is 
behind again with a big stack of papers ! What 
shall we do with them ? ' ' 

" Oh, there is Muller, a prompt, industrious 
clerk, he is never behind ! Let's give them to 
him," said the Director. 

Secret and Public 
" What is the difference between a secret and 
a public session of the town council ? M 

"When there is a secret session, one knows 
the result an hour later; the result of a public 
session, one reads in next day's paper." 
57 



58 German limit an& Dumor 

Evidence of Dishonesty 
Detective : — " Your suspicion of your cashier 
has not been confirmed ; you may be sure of his 
honesty. He makes no show whatever, lives, to 
be sure, decently . . . ! •" 

Director (interrupting him): — " Yes, but . . . 
that's just it ; with the salary I give him, it's im- 
possible to live decently ! " 

Of Course 

Judge (to accused's wife) : — " Were you with 
your husband when he broke into the young lad- 
ies' boarding-school?" 

Wife : — " Of course ; would your wife permit 
you to break into a young ladies' school by your* 
self?" 

An Honest Lawyer 

"But, Doctor, I must win that lawsuit; the 
contract is as clear as daylight ! " 

"So it is — but let me tell you, when it comes 
to a lawsuit, clearness is a thing of the past." 

Out Of Business 
" What, are you back from Africa already? " 
" Yes, I had settled there as sheriff, but there 
was nothing to levy upon but now and then a 



German TOt anD fjumor 59 

nose-ring . . . and then I generally had a suit 
brought against me for levying on an indispens- 
able article of dress. 7 ' 

Short Work 

" What," said the disgusted lawyer to a coun- 
tryman, " didn't I have you thrown out just 
now because you were too fresh, and here you 
are back again ! ' ' 

" Doctor," returns he, " please be good, and 
undertake my defense ; I see you are the only 
lawyer who makes short work ! n 

Question and Answer 
Lady (at a lawyer's who is a friend) : — "A 
question does not cost anything ? ' ' 

Lawyer : — "No, but the answer does." 

At Examination 
Professor: — "Candidate, what belongs to a 
last will and testament ? ' ' 

Candidate : — "A death and a fortune." 

Suggestive Question 
Professor : — " Candidate, what in law do we 
call one who assists another in committing a 



60 ©erman WLit and Ibumot 

crime — who for instance, makes him a key, with 
which to open the door? " 

Candidate: — "That is a locksmith/' 

Final Farewell 

Professor : — " Candidate, what does the term 
dos mean?" 

Candidate: — "Dos — dos — I am sorry I can't 
think of it this minute." 

Professor: — " Imagine you were engaged to 
be married. On your wedding day your father- 
in-law says, <I shall give my daughter 50,000 
thaler.' What would that be ? " 

Candidate: — "That would be great good 
luck for me." 

Professor: — "I fully agree with you. Now 
translate for me this mandate from the Codex. 
Read the introduction." 

Candidate (reads): — " Sancimus hac lege in 
perpetuum valitura ' ' 

Professor : — " Stop ! Translate these words." 

Candidate (translates) : — " Read this — and 
then farewell forever ! " 

Professor : — " Good, very good ! I also will 
say to you : Farewell forever ! " 

Saving in Vain 
Professor: — "Well, candidate, which seems 



German TOft and Ibumor 61 

to you the better, that the present generation 
should save for the future generation, or that 
they should leave debts behind ? " 

Candidate : — "I believe it would be better to 
leave debts behind." 

Professor : — " Why ; what are your reasons ? " 
Candidate: — "We can't be expected to save 
for a generation, of which we do not even know 
whether it will exist. If the judgment day 
should come unexpectedly, we would have saved 
for nothing." 

No Criminal 
Professor : — " What is a crime ? " 
Candidate (stuttering): — "A crime is — is, 

when some one — does — something ! " 

Professor (laughing) : — "Then candidate, 

you are certainly no criminal." 



A Modern Solomon 
Professor: — "I 'will put a law case before 
you : Mother and daughter slept with their 
two little boys, in the same room. As the 
children were dressed exactly alike, the nurses 
changed them, so nobody could tell which was 
the mother's and which the daughter's child. 
How would you decide the case ? ' ' 



62 German Wit anfc Ibumot 

Candidate: — "Are you sure that the chil- 
dren were exchanged ? ' ' 

Professor : — " Didn't I tell you so just now ? " 
Candidate: — "Very well, then you simply 
exchange the children again.' ' 



Direct or Indirect 
" Is the dog tax a direct or an indirect tax? " 
"An indirect one." 
"Why?" 

" Because it is not collected directly from the 
dog." 

Mortgages 

" Candidate, what do you know about mort- 
gages?" 

"Nothing at all; so far, I have always been 
able to borrow without one." 

Her Age 

" You are thirty years old?" asked a magis- 
trate of a lady whose deposition he was taking 
down. 

"No, twenty," she answered. 

" But I was born in the same year you were." 

"Oh, well," said the lady, snappishly, "you 
probably lived faster than I ! " 



\ J 



©erman TOt anfc Ibumor 63 

It Makes a Difference 
"What is the matter with this woman ? " 
"She fell on the slippery sidewalk, because 

trrere was no sand put on it. ' ' 

"Where was it? I'll put the landlord's 

name down at once ! " 

" It was before the town hall, policeman." 
" Oh, before the town hall ! you should have 

been more careful, my good woman ! " 

Don't Go 

Professor (complaining) : — " For the past two 
weeks a student has occupied the room below 
mine. The impudent fellow plays the piano 
and sings every blessed night, ' Come down, 
oh Madonna Theresa ! ' What can I do about 
it?" 

Police Sergeant : — " Is your name Theresa ? " 

Professor:— "No." 

Police Sergeant : — " Well then you need not 
take any notice of it." 

An Acquired Interest 

" How did you manage to have your attorney 
take such an interest in your lawsuit ? ' ' 

" I borrowed a hundred dollars from hirru 
If I lose my lawsuit he will lose his money." 



64 ©erman WM anD Ibumor 

Fatal 

Judge: — "Well, Doctor, what do you think 
of your patient's wounds? " 

Doctor: — "Two of them are fatal, without a 
doubt; but if the patient is kept quiet, it is 
probable that the third one will be healed in a 
couple of months." 

A Great Temptation 
" How did you break into that house ? " 
"Your Honor, it was two o'clock in the 
morning; no night watchman in sight; an 
open window in front of me — why, you your- 
self would have gone in ! " 

Misplaced Pathos 
" Gentlemen of the Jury ! When the pear is 
ripe, it falls from the tree ! This pear (pointing 
towards the accused) grew ripe, fell from the 
tree, and here it sits — in the dock ! " 



Before the Court 

Judge: — "So the accused stole a sa/am, 
(choice sausage) — where is it? " 

Constable: — "Here, your Honor, is the cor- 
pus delicati" 



(Setman TKnit anfc Ibumot 65 

Curious to Hear 

Judge: — "You wish your trial postponed, 
prisoner, because your counsel has been taken 
ill ; but since you were caught red-handed and 
have confessed the theft, I don't see what your 
counsel could say in your favor." 

Prisoner: — "That's just what I am curious 
to hear, your Honor ! " 

Among Ourselves 

Presiding Judge (addressing the crowd in the 
courtroom): — "I warn you that if there are 
any more disturbances, I'll have the court 
cleared ! " 

Prisoner: — "That'll be much better, your 
Honor; then we'll be among ourselves ! " 

Wished to Confess 
"If it pleases the court," said a prisoner, 
who so far had stoutly denied his guilt, during 
the poor defense his counsel made, "make him 
shut up; I'd rather confess." 

A Fatal Cold 
Governor (to a prisoner while inspecting the 
penitentiary) : — "What brought you here? " 
Prisoner : — " My cold." 
Governor : — " What ? Your cold ? ' ' 



66 German Wiit and Ibumor 

Prisoner: — " Yes, sir; I had a bad cold 
when I broke into that house, and had to 
sneeze ; it awoke the gentleman ; he caught me, 
and so I was brought here." 



Doing the Honors 

Warden (to the prisoners) : — " His Honor is 
going to visit the jail this afternoon ! Prepare 
yourselves for it ! " 

Rogue (to a fellow prisoner): — "Hans, you 
do the honors ! " 

Needed His Tools 

Warden : — " Here is the money that is due 
you. I hope you will now find an honorable 
way of making a living." 

Prisoner: — "Certainly, sir, you may depend 
on it." 

Warden : — " Well, we shall see ; you may go 
now ! Why are you hesitating ? Do you wish 
to say anything ? ' ' 

Prisoner (whose burglar kit had been taken 
from him when he was arrested): — "Might 
I ask your Honor for my tools? " 

Malicious 
Attorney (to the manager of a theatre on 



German TOtt and Ibumor 87 

seeing the empty house) : — " Why, my dear 
sir, is the public excluded to-day ? " 



Taken Aback 

Attorney : — " I assure you, charming Fraulein, 
we lawyers advance very slowly. One is al- 
ways waiting for the other's death. Look, for 
instance, at that old judge over there. From 
year to year we have been waiting for the old 
codger to go off and make room for " 

Lady (interrupting him) : — " Sir, that gen- 
tleman — is my father ! " 

Force of Habit 
A lawyer was speaking at the grave of a col- 
league. No eye had remained dry, until, put- 
ting down a wreath, the orator closed with 
great pathos, saying : ; ' Rest in peace, dear 
friend . . . and you, gentlemen of the jury, 
preserve ever a pleasant memory of the 
accused ! " 

At the Mercy of the Court 
Waiter: — "What do you wish me to order 

for your dinner, sir? " 

Attorney (pointing to the kitchen) : — " I 

leave that to the mercy of the court ! " 



68 ©erman TRIM anfc Ibumor 

His First Attempt 

" To-morrow I am going to hand my first at- 
tempt at a drama to the manager of our 
theatre." 

"Friend, as a lawyer, you ought to know 
that even an attempt at crime is punishable.' ' 

Difference of Statement 

"Is it true that you said the man Meier 
here, had stolen your pocketbook ? ' ' 

"I didn't say that, Squire; I only stated, 
that if Meier had not helped me to look for it, I 
should have found it again." 

On Time 
Clerk of the Court (to countryman): — " What 
do you want here so early ? There is nobody 
here yet, but myself! Before eight o'clock 
no business is accepted. Don't you see that it 
is still two whole minutes of eight? In two 
minutes you will find me in ! " 

Doubtful Presents 

Rogue : — " Doctor, you got me free. I must 
show my gratitude. Take this watch." 

Counsel: — "No, no; you are a poor devil. 
Where did you get the watch ? " 

Rogue: — "Why, it's the one I stole." 



©erman TOUt anfc Ibumor 69 

Unstable Evidence 
Detective (looking for evidence at the spot 
where a murder had been committed) : — "The 
footprint in this anthill is of the utmost impor- 
tance. It might — most probably it will — lead to 
the discovery of the murderer. Constable, 
hurry back to town at once, bring a bag and a 
shovel, and shovel this highly important foot- 
print into it. We will take it back with us ! M 

Willing to Show Him 

Judge: — "It is utterly incomprehensible to 
me how you could kill the man with one blow 
of your bare fist ! " 

Accused :— " Shall I show you how I did 
it?" 

He Understood 

Magistrate: — "You complain that your 
neighbor struck you during a quarrel? " 

Washerwoman: — "Yes, your Honor, he 
struck me several times with his cane on — on — 

Magistrate: — "Never mind; sit down on 
the missing word." 

Importance of Being Precise 
Squire: — "You are a carpenter, are you 
not?" 



70 <3erman WLit attO 'ttnimot 

" Yes, sir." 

" You were working near the place where the 
row occurred ?" 

"Yes, sir." 

" How far away were you ? " 

" Thirty-six and a half feet." 

" How can you tell so exact ? " 

" 'Cause I measured it. I thought right 
away, some fool from court would ask me about 
it" 

Objected to Income Tax 

Magistrate: — "You are accused of loafing; 
why don't you work? " 

Loafer : — " Because then I would have to pay 
an income tax." 

A Witness Against His Will 

Judge: — "Constable, bring in the next wit- 
ness ! ' ' (Constable beckons to a man by the 
door to step up.) 

Judge : — "What is your name? " 

Peter : — " Peter Lerch." 

Judge : — " How old are you? " 

Peter: — "I don't think that's necessary to 
tell." 

Judge (severely) : — " Will you tell me at 
once, how old you are ? ' ' 



German TKfltt anfc Ibnmor 71 

Peter: — "Thirty-three years." 

Judge: — "Are you a Lutheran or a Catho- 
lic?" 

Peter : — " But, your Honor " 

Judge (interrupting him) : — "If you dare to 
interrupt me again ' ' 

Peter (quickly) : — "I'm a Lutheran." 

Judge: — "Are you related to the accused or 
in their service? " 

Peter (indignant): — "I? to those? Rather 
not! What is your Honor thinking of?" 
(Laughter in the courtroom.) 

Judge: — "Refrain from all improper re- 
marks ! Raise your hand and take the oath." 

Peter: — "Oh, but really your Honor, that's 
too much." 

Judge (rises and cries furiously) : — "I'll have 
you arrested, if you dare to contradict again. 
Raise your hand and repeat the oath after me." 
(Peter does it meekly.) 

Judge : — "And now what have you to say ? " 

Peter: — " The Colonel sends his regards, and 
asks you to come to dinner to-night at eight 
o'clock. The deer he shot yesterday has ar- 
rived." 

Judge: — "What on earth ■ Aren't you 

a witness? " 

Peter: — "No, your Honor; I'm the Colo- 



72 <3erman mit anD fnitnor 

nel's orderly. Not finding you at home I came 
here ; and when I asked for you, the Constable 
showed me in here." 

A Pointed Suggestion 

A celebrated lawyer was pleading a case be- 
fore a famous judge, and made such daring as- 
sertions that he roused the latter into saying : 
" Well, if this is law, I'm going home to burn 
all my books." 

" It seems to me," replied the lawyer quietly, 
" it would be better if your Honor went home 
to read them." 

On His Side 

A lawyer once asked a minister, "If the 
clergy and the devil had a lawsuit together, 
who would win ? ' ' 

"The devil," was the quick answer, "for he 
has all the lawyers on his side." 

A Legal Tilt 

Two lawyers, one as tall as a giant, the other 
as small as a dwarf, were getting so excited over 
a case on hand, that the giant said to the other : 
" Who are you ? Why, I could put you in my 
pocket." 

The other replied quietly : " Then there 



©erman TOit anD tumor 73 

would be more law in your pocket than there is 
in your head." 

Finally 
Counsel (closing his speech) : — " And finally, 
gentlemen of the jury, I would have you remem- 
ber the golden rule : < Do unto others, as you 
wish others to do unto you,' or would you like 
to lie in a prison cell, for years ? ' ' 



CHAPTER VI 
A Chapter for Composers and Music Lovers 

Music is a greater revelation than all science and 
philosophy ! — L. van Beethoven. 

Mozart's Affection 
Mozart loved his parents tenderly. When 
quite a little fellow, he composed a song, which 
he sang with his father every night before going 
to bed, while standing on a chair where his father 
had to put him. This ceremony over, he would 
kiss them and retire in peace and contentment. 
This nightly performance he kept up until he 
reached his tenth year. 

Mozart Before the Emperor 
When Mozart was six years old, his father 
took him to the palace, to play before Emperor 
Francis I. Taking him to the piano the Emperor 
started to turn the leaves for him, when the boy 
said: " No, you let Wagenseil (the leader of 
the orchestra) do that, he knows how." 
74 



©erman WLit and fmrnor 75 

A Rapid Composer 
The evening before the first performance of 
" Don Juan " at Prag, Mozart told his wife that 
he intended to write the overture during the 
night, and asked her to make a punch 
for him and stay with him, to k$ep him awake. 
But exertion and sleepiness made the work so 
hard, that his wife begged him to rest on the 
sofa, promising to waken him in an hour. He 
slept so soundly that she let him sleep two hours. 
It was five o'clock when she wakened him. At 
seven the copyist was to come. Mozart worked 
now so rapidly, that in two hours the overture 
was finished. 

Criticised the Emperor 

One day Mozart and his wife were walking in 
the Augarten near Vienna. His wife was telling 
him about her dog's devotion, and said : " You 
just pretend to strike me and see how he will 
jump at you ! " Just as Mozart playfully struck 
his wife on the shoulder, the Emperor stepped 
from his summer-house. 

"Well, well," said he; "just three weeks 
married, and fighting already ! " 

Mozart explained, and the Emperor laughing, 
asked : 

"Do you remember the anecdote of Wagen- 



76 ©erman Wiit an& Ibumor 

seil ? and how, when I played the violin, 
you called from among my audience, some- 
times * Pshaw I that was wrong ! ' sometimes, 
1 bravo !'" 

Mozart's Generosity 

Mozart was very generous. An old a>nd 
honest piano repairer had put some new strings 
on his beloved instrument. 

"What do I owe you, old friend?" asked 
Mozart. "I am going away to-morrow and 
wish to pay you now ! " 

The old man, who always grew dreadfully 
embarrassed if any one spoke to him, stam- 
mered : 

" To be sure — your Honor — I have been 
here — several — times I beg — a thaler." 

"What, a man like you, come to me for one 
thaler?" With that he put several ducats 
into the old man's hand and fled. 



George Friedrich Handel 
For a number of years after Handel settled in 
London he was financially very unlucky. His 
operas did not take, and when his friends com- 
plained that the house was so empty, he would 
comfort them by saying : 



German Mft an& Ibumor 77 

." That does not matter at all, the music will 
sound so much the better ! ' ' 



Reading at Sight 

On a trip to Ireland, Handel was detained 
for a few days at Chester. As he wished to try 
some of the choruses that he intended to bring 
out in Ireland, he asked the organist of the Cathe- 
dral, Backer, whether he had any singers in his 
choir who could sing by sight. Backer named 
some of his best singers, among them a printer, 
Janson, who sang bass very well. Handel ap- 
pointed the time for a private rehearsal at his 
hotel ; but poor Janson, after repeated trials, 
made so many mistakes in the chorus of The 
Messiah, "And through his wounds" that 
Handel grew furious and after swearing at him 
in four or five languages, cried in broken Eng- 
lish : "You villain, you, didn't you say you 
could read by sight ? " 

" So I can, sir," replied Janson, "only not 
the very first time ! " 

About as Well as the Cook 
When Gluck came to England the first time, 
in 1745, Handel was asked what he thought of 
him. His answer, preceded by an oath was : 



78 <5erman Wlit and Ibumot 

" He knows and understands counterpoint about 
as well as my cook ! ' ' 

Home Again 
One evening while Handel was at Dublin, a 
certain Mr. Dubourg was to sing a solo to an 
aria, with a cadence ad libitum. For some time 
he strayed about in different keys, but at last he 
commenced the trill with which the cadence 
closed and Handel cried loud enough for the 
whole house to hear, to the great amusement of 
the audience : " Welcome home, Mr. Du- 
bourg ! " 

Too Particular 
In 1749, Handel had such poor success with 
his oratorio " Theodora" that he was pleased 
when some musicians, who did not play in it, 
accepted tickets. Later on some of these gen- 
tlemen begged permission to hear The Messiah, 
but Handel said : " Oh, I am your humble serv- 
ant, gentlemen ; you are too infernally par- 
ticular ! You did not care to hear Theodora, 
when there was room enough to dance, now 
there is none left for you ! " 

The Villain 
Handel was holding the last rehearsal of his 



(Berman TUUtt and Ibumor 79 

incomparable and difficult " Te Deum Lauda- 
mus "to be rendered at the celebration of the 
Peace of Utrecht. Before starting, he cried, full 
of enthusiasm : " Gentlemen ! Whoever makes 
a mistake to-day, is a villain ! " 

The sublime composition, the excellent rendi- 
tion, carried him away to such an extent, that 
at the end of a phrase, forgetting everything 
around him, he stood like one inspired, and when 
spoken to, shivered and was unable to control 
his emotion. With the last note, he cried, tears 
streaming down his face: "Gentlemen, I am 
the villain! " 

F. Joseph Haydn 
While Haydn lived in Ungarn (Hungary) 
gunning and fishing were his favorite recreations. 
He never forgot that he once killed three pheas- 
ants at one shot, which afterwards graced the 
dinner table of the Empress, Maria Theresa. 

Haydn's Strategy 
In 1770, Haydn was very ill with a malignant 
fever, and during his convalescence his physician 
strictly forbade his doing any work or touching 
the piano. Soon after, Haydn's wife went to 
church, but before going impressed on the maid 
the necessity of watching her master closely so 



80 ©erman TOit anfc Ibumor 

that he could not get at the piano. Haydn pre- 
tended not to have heard a word of this order, 
but his wife had hardly left the house, when he 
sent the maid on an errand. He hurried to the 
piano, and at the first touch the whole idea of a 
sonata came to him. The first part was finished 
while his wife was at church. When he heard 
her returning, he quickly went back to bed and 
finished it there. 

These Brought Contentment 
Haydn owned a case filled with snuff-boxes, 
watches, rings, medals, and other presents from 
all the crowned heads of Austria, Russia, Prussia, 
Spain, France, and Naples. He said : "When 
life seems sometimes hard to bear, I look at all 
these things, and feel content and pleased to 
have been honored by all Europe.' ' 

Haydn and the Ship- Captain 
One day a ship-captain came to Haydn's room. 
"Are you Haydn?" 
. " Yes, sir ; what can I do for you ? " 

"I'll give you thirty guineas if you compose 
a march for my ship's band; but it must be 
done to-day, for to-morrow morning we set sail 
for Calcutta." 

Haydn promised to have it ready early the 



(3erman Tixatt anfc Ibumor 82 

following morning ; went to the piano as soon 
as the captain had left him, and was soon done 
with it. It seemed to the composer that he had 
earned his money too easily, so during the even- 
ing he composed two more marches, to give the 
captain his choice or make him a present of the 
other two. It was barely daylight when the 
captain appeared. 

" Captain, the march is finished." 

" Very good, play it for me ! " 

Haydn played. 

The Englishman put the thirty guineas on the 
piano, and without saying another word took 
up his march and walked to the door. Haydn 
followed him saying : "I composed two more, 
which I think are better. Let me play them for 
you and take your choice." 

"The first march pleases me, so that ends 
it! " 

" But listen to the others, perhaps " 

"No, that is impossible ! " 

The captain hurried down the stairs, Haydn 
ran after him saying: "Sir, I'll make you a 
present of them. You paid me very generously. 
Do take them ! ' ' 

The captain hurried still more saying : " It is 
impossible. I don't want them ! " 

" Do let me play them for you ! " 



82 ©etman TKatt and Ibumor 

"Not for a thousand devils," cried the cap- 
tain, who had reached the street by this time, 
and disappeared quickly. Haydn went at once 
to learn both the captain's and his ship's name, 
and having succeeded, packed up both marches 
and, with a note, sent them to the musical salt. 
He, however, returned the package without 
opening the note, and Haydn was so furious 
about it that he tore it to shreds, marches and all. 

Had No Use for Haydn's Music 

Another time, while Haydn was sauntering 
about the streets, he stepped into a music store 
and asked if they had a selection of good 
music. 

"As much as you wish," said the proprietor. 
" Here are some excellent things of Haydn's ! " 

" Have no use for them," said Haydn, curtly. 

" What, you have no use for it ? For Haydn's 
music ! What fault have you to find with it ? " 

"Quite enough! At any rate, I don't want 
any of it. Show me some other compositions ! " 

The merchant, a devoted admirer of Haydn's, 
said, indignantly: "It is not necessary, though 
I have plenty of excellent music, I have none 
for you ! " and turned his back on the composer. 
At the same moment a gentleman entered who 
knew Haydn, and spoke to him. The merchant 



German Wit an& Dumoc 83 

coming up to them said to the Englishman : 
" What do, you think ! This old gentleman here 
has no use for Haydn's music ! " Great was 
his embarrassment when the gentleman explained. 

Haydn's Kindness 

The following story proves what a noble, gen- 
erous man Haydn was. In 1780 the daughter 
of an army officer from Coburg wrote to him of 
a little adventure, asking him to set it to music. 
This is the story : She and her intended hus- 
band, a captain of the army, together with a 
friend and a poodle were taking a walk. The 
captain had been praising his dog's talents, and 
made a bet with his friend that the dog would 
find a thale^/laid under a bush now, he being 
sent back for it after their return home. The 
bet was accepted. Directly after returning home 
the captain sent his dog back for the money. 

Now it so happened that a traveling tailor sat 
down to rest under that very bush where the 
thaler was deposited, found the money and put 
it in his pocket. When the poodle arrived he 
smelled the coin and fawned upon the tailor. 
The man, highly pleased at having found a 
thaler and such an amiable dog within an hour, 
took him to his stopping place in the town. 
The poodle watched the tailor's clothes all night, 



84 German TOt anfc Ibumot 

and when, early the next morning, the door of 
the room was opened, he stole out, carrying the 
tailor's trousers with him and brought both them 
and the thaler to his master. 

This little adventure had been put into verse 
under the title : " The Cunning and Serviceable 
Poodle," and Haydn was asked now to put the 
text to music. The lady added that she was 
poor, but having heard so much of his generosity, 
she hoped the enclosed ducat would be con- 
sidered sufficient pay. 

Haydn went to work at it at once, but re- 
turned the ducat to the young lady in a letter, 
saying that as a punishment for not knowing 
him better, and sending any money at all, she 
should knit him a pair of garters. These garters, 
made of white silk with a hand-painted wreath 
of violets, Haydn kept with his jewels in his 
treasure box. 

Franz Schubert 
For years Schubert could not find a publisher 
for even his most famous compositions, such as 
the "Erlkoenig," for instance. In 1823 some 
friends and patrons published, at their own ex- 
pense, the first twelve books of songs — the same 
books that afterwards were to be found all over 
the world and brought him thousands. 



German TOtt and Ibumoc 85 

Schubert's Facility 
Schubert composed his songs with amazing 
facility. He composed his charming < < Serenade' ' 
on the window sill of a country tavern in less 
than an hour. He was there on an excursion 
with a party of gay friends, who were clamoring 
for something new. As soon as he had finished, 
they sang it to the delight of all who were fortu- 
nate enough to be within hearing distance. 

Orpheus and His Followers 
Several young wags were making fun of a 

musician, and said, among other things, that he 

played like Orpheus. 

"Very true," said the musician, "I, too, 

seem to have a following of beasts." 

Carpenter and Weber 

Some time ago I asked B, my carpenter, why 
he was so downhearted. 

"Well," said he, "you know, sir, that my 
son Franz was to have been a carpenter. He 
showed a good deal of talent for it, but now it's 
all over." 

"How so?" I asked. 

" It happened this way : We went to hear an 
opera the other night, and such music as we 
heard ! The angels in heaven could not sing 



86 ©erman WLit an& Ibumor 

any better, and that music they said was made 
by one Weber. And now my boy won't be any- 
thing else but just such a Weber " (Weaver). 



Singing by Sight 

To the manager of the opera at K. came one 
day a young girl to be examined for a position 
in the chorus. After she had sung a scale, he 
asked her among other questions if she could 
sing by sight, to which she replied: "Oh yes, 
if I know it by heart.' ' 

" Are you at all musical ? " 

"Oh no; I am Catholic!" 

Shoes Versus Music 

The younger Pixis was to play at Hanover a 
concert of Mozart's. His father kept him hard 
at practicing, but he seemed listless and paid 
very little attention to his playing. The elder 
Pixis, very anxious that all his sons should suc- 
ceed, chided him and said: "There is still 
time for you to learn something else. If you 
do not care to make a virtuoso of yourself, you 
might make a cobbler." 

" Well, what loss would that be," replied the 
little fellow. "Anybody can do without music, 
but not without shoes ! " 



(Betman TOt anD f>umor 87 

They Knew Nothing 

One time it occurred to a village organist, 
that by having some new church music, he 
might not only glorify a coming festival, but 
cover himself also with glory before his congre- 
gation. Telemann, the well-known composer 
of sacred music, who lived in the near-by city of 
Gotha, should compose it, and his colleagues 
from the surrounding villages with their choirs, 
should help in the rendition of it. So to Tele- 
mann the ambitious organist betook himself, 
and explained his errand. Now the composer 
knew him and his confreres as miserable bun- 
glers, and made all sorts of excuses, but the 
organist was persistent and would not be refused. 
Telemann, partly angry, partly amused, asked 
at last what the text for the cantata was to be. 
That the organist said he would leave to Tele- 
mann to choose, a Bible text or something 
equally appropriate would do. The composer 
finally consented, and asked him to arrange for 
the rehearsal, to which he promised to come 
himself and bring some friends. 

The morning of the festival brought Tele- 
mann and his friends. The scores were dis- 
tributed. For the text the composer had chosen 
the line : " We know nothing against the Lord ! " 
and had put it into a fugue. 



88 ©erman TOUit an& Ibumot 

"Now," whispered Telemann to his friends, 
"listen to those fellows confessing their sins ! " 
The rehearsal began, and from all throats came, 
like a tremendous wailing, " We — we — we know 
nothing — nothing — nothing — we know nothing 
— know nothing — no" — until at last, the whole 
company having shouted away for dear life — 
without suspecting anything wrong — was awak- 
ened from their dream, by shouts of laughter 
from Telemann and his friends. Then there 
was general consternation, the poor organist 
stood completely crushed. " To be sure, this 
does not sound very well, gentlemen," said Tele- 
mann, and to comfort the crestfallen organist he 
drew from his pocket another small cantata, 
which he and his friends rendered at the church. 



A Lucrative Position 

Goldmark, the composer of " The Queen of 
Saba," while traveling one day, found himself 
in a railway coupe with a strange lady. A con- 
versation was soon started, and the composer 
introduced himself with these words: "I am 
Goldmark, the composer of The Queen of Saba." 

"Ah," replied the lady, who was not much 
versed in musical or theatrical matters, "that 
must be a very lucrative position." 



©erman WLit and Ibumor 69 

Ludwig van Beethoven 

Beethoven's parents had him instructed in 
music at a very early age. When he was only 
eight years old he played the violin so well as 
to astonish all his hearers. In the little room 
under the roof, where he practiced, he noticed 
one day a very large spider, leaving her web 
and coming close to him to listen. By and by 
she grew so tame, that she came and sat first on 
his desk, then on the artist, and finally made 
herself at home on the arm which held the bow. 
Her interest spurred on the boy to do his best r 
and helped not a little in his progress. One 
day, his aunt, who filled his mother's place, 
came into the little room, bringing a friend who 
wished to hear the boy play. As he began, the 
spider came from her corner and settled upon 
his arm. The aunt seeing the insect, pounced 
upon her, and crushed her under her foot. 
Beethoven, horror-stricken at his comrade's fate r 
fell fainting to the floor. 



He Beat the Emperor 
Once while at court, Beethoven forgot him- 
self so far as to beat the time on the back of 
Emperor Francis. The monarch was not the 
least angry, and often said smilingly, that one 



90 German TRUit anfc tbumot 

of his subjects had beaten him, without being 
punished for it. 



Brains Versus an Estate 
Beethoven's younger brother had, by extreme 
economy, saved enough to purchase a country 
estate. One time he sent to his famous brother, 
just to anger him, a New Year's card with : 
" Johann van Beethoven, possessor of a country 
estate; " to which polite action, he received the 
answer: "Ludwig van Beethoven, possessor of 
brains.' ' 

Forgot to Eat 

Beethoven dined now and then at an inn on 
the flour- market at Vienna. One day he came 
at half past two, and sat down in his lonely cor- 
ner, without greeting any of the guests present, a 
courtesy he had never before omitted. The 
waiter who knew him, brought him a bottle of 
the ordinary table wine which Beethoven usually 
drank, and put the menu before him. 

The great composer broke his roll, pulled a 
notebook from his pocket, leaned his head on 
his hand and remained in this attitude, writing 
now and then in the book, until six o'clock in 
the evening. Suddenly he jumped up and cried : 
" Waiter, I wish to pay my bill ! " 



German TOit an& Ibumor 91 

" Oh, but your Honor has not eaten a thing 
to-day!" 

" Haven't I? Well, all right ! " said Beet- 
hoven, and took his hat and went out. 

Beethoven's Poverty 

The great composer's gruff, even repulsive 
manner, during the last years of his life, was 
partly owing to his deafness and partly to the ut- 
ter ruin of his finances. He was not a good 
manager, and had the misfortune to be robbed 
by those in his employ. He often lacked the 
necessities of life. Ludwig Spohr, in the early 
days of his acquaintance with Beethoven asked 
him once why he had not been to dinner at the 
inn for some days. Had he been ill ? 

1 ' No, but my boot was, and as I own only one 
pair, I had to stay at home." 

Beethoven's Domestic Troubles 
The best idea of his domestic misery is given 
in his diary, an extract from which is here pre- 
sented. 
1819. January 31 : 

Dismissed the housekeeper, on account of her 
quick tongue and quicker temper. 
February 15 : 
The new cook arrives. 



92 ©ecman watt anD Ibumor 

March 8 : 
The cook has given two weeks* notice. On 
the 2 2d the new housekeeper takes charge. 
April 14: 
Engaged a waitress at six gulden per month. 

April 20 : 
The housekeeper gives notice, because she is 
no good. 

April 24 : 
Bad day. Could not eat anything, — that is, 
there was nothing fit to eat, everything being 
spoiled, standing too long. 
May 16: 
Cook has given notice, because she ruined the 
dinner again. 
July 1 : 
Enter a new cook. I wonder if she is good 
for anything ! 

Such was the great master's domestic life. 



Indifference to Dress and Fashion 
That Beethoven paid no heed whatever to the 
world, its fashions or its follies, during the time 
when he worked hardest, showed in his appear- 
ance. For instance, he had not noticed that it 
had become the fashion for men to wear lace 
frills on the front of their shirts. A friend or- 



<5erman limit and Ibumor 93 

dered some for him, so that he should appear well 
dressed. When Beethoven saw the frills he 
wondered what they were for. "Oh, M he said, 
"I suppose they are meant to keep me warm," 
and tucked the beautiful frills inside his vest. 

Remedy for Ennui 
. When Liszt made his first trip to St. Peters- 
burg, Russia had no railroads, and he traveled 
over badly neglected roads in a heavily loaded 
coach, with his secretary and valet. One day, 

not far from the small town of P the coach 

broke down. Examination showed that it would 
take at least two days to repair it. This forced 
Liszt to go to the hotel of the town, a place that 
could neither offer him his accustomed comforts 
nor luxuries nor anything in the way of amuse- 
ments. 

Liszt was then at the height of his triumphant 
career, and all the joys and pleasures of life 
were his. To such a man the enforced rest in 
such a poor place, must have been depressing. 
Under these circumstances it was a happy 
thought that came to the secretary while reading 
a poem of Alfred de Musset. In it the poet 
says: " La remede au melancolique c'est la 
musique." "The remedy for melancholy is 
music. ' ' 



94 German TOt anfc Ibumor 

The artist was lying in an easy chair by the 
fire, watching the smoke from his Havana, when 
the secretary proposed to kill time by giving 
some concerts. Solely in the hope of getting a 
change and some diversion out of it, Liszt 
laughingly consented. Quickly the necessary 
arrangements were made and the concert was to 
be given on the following night in the dancing 
hall of the hotel. 

Now either the virtuoso's fame had not pene- 
trated so far, or else they doubted that he was the 
genuine, great Liszt, for when the artist stepped 
on the platform, he looked at a yawning gulf of 
empty chairs. About fifteen persons were 
present. 

Taking off his gloves, he looked smilingly at 
the little band of faithful ones, then came forward 
and, in the amiable, merry way he had of talk- 
ing, he pointed out to them that the hall was 
cold and uncomfortable, while his own sitting- 
room was warm and cozy. He took the liberty 
therefore to ask those present to follow him and 
to take a little supper with him. And offering 
his arm to the young lady sitting next to him 
he led the way, while the rest followed not a 
little surprised, but full of curiosity. 

With the help of his secretary and valet, he 
gave them quite a supper with champagne, Liszt 



©erman 7KHit an& Dumor 95 

making a most fascinating host, and sitting 
down to the piano unasked, he played for the 
mixed company some national airs, which were 
jubilantly applauded. It was a highly enjoy- 
able evening for the guests and even more so 
for the host, who thanked his secretary warmly. 
The next evening the second concert took 
place, and the hall was crowded. Whether 
they came in the hope of being invited to supper 
or whether their interest in music was aroused 
is hard to decide. Liszt laughingly inclined to 
the former. At any rate, the concert was a 
brilliant success, the whole aristocracy of the 
neighborhood was present, greeting him with 
storms of applause. After the concert, they 
overwhelmed him with invitations, so that the 
great artist was obliged to extend his stay to a 
week. He always recalled this as one of his 
merriest traveling experiences. 

Paganini and the Cab Driver 
Among the great maestro' s papers was found 
the following amusing story: " One day," 
Paganini begins, "I was wandering about the 
streets of Vienna, when all of a sudden a thun- 
der-storm came up. The rain came down in 
torrents and seemed to increase every minute. 
For once I was alone, which happened very 



98 ©etman limit anfc Ibumor 

rarely, as my valet generally accompanied me. 
I was very far from my lodgings and already so 
wet, that I was beginning to fear for my health. 
So I looked about for a cab. Three passed me, 
as the drivers did not understand Italian, and I 
did not speak German. The fourth stopped at 
my call, the driver was a countryman of mine. 

" Before entering I asked his price. ' Five 
gulden, the price of a ticket to Paganini's con- 
cert/ he said. 

" ' You rascal,' I cried indignantly, ' to ask 
five gulden for such a short ride ! Paganini 
plays on one string of his violin ; you could 
hardly run your cab on one wheel.' 

" < Oh, it isn't so difficult as people think, to 
play on one string. I am musical too, and I 
doubled the price of my fares to-day, in order 
to hear the great violinist they call Paganini.' 

" I said nothing more, entered the cab, and in 
ten minutes was at my hotel. I gave the man 
the five gulden and also a ticket to my concert. 
The next day just before the concert began, a 
great crowd was at the door of the concert hall 
when I arrived, and one of the ushers called to 
me : ' There is a dirty, uncouth-looking man at 
the door, who insists on being admitted.' 

" It was my driver of the day before, whom 
I permitted to enter in spite of his appearance, 



©etmatt TKJUt an& Ibumor 97 

hoping that he would lose himself in the crowd. 
But when, at the beginning of the concert, I 
stepped on the platform, there he was as close 
to me as he could get, among the elegantly 
dressed women of the first row. The applause 
was enthusiastic; my driver's knew no bounds. 
Several times he had to be severely reproved for 
disturbing the rest of the audience. I never 
had a more appreciative listener. 

" Early the next morning he came to my 
rooms. 'Sir,' he said, in the most respectful 
tone, ' you can do me a great favor. I have a 
family, am poor, and your countryman; you 
are wealthy and famous. You hold my fortune 
in your hand/ 

" < What do you mean by that ? ' 

" 'Permit me to put at the back of my cab 
the two words : " Paganini's cabriolet. " ' 

" ' Very well/ said I laughingly, ' you may 
put on it whatever you like. ' 

" That man was smarter than I thought. In 
a few months he was better known at Vienna 
than myself; his Paganini cab created a sensa- 
tion. He had great good luck with it, for 
everybody wanted to ride in it and he charged 
good prices. 

"When I returned to Vienna two years later, 
my driver was the owner of the hotel at which 



98 ©erman TORtt an& Ibumot 

I had stayed, and an Englishman had bought 
the cabriolet for one thousand pounds." 



Meyerbeer's Preference 
Meyerbeer's nephew came to Rossini, to beg 
of him to listen to a funeral march he had 
composed on the death of his uncle, and to pass 
his judgment upon it. 

After Rossini had listened patiently he said : 
" That is all very well. Yet, I should like it 
better if you had died and your uncle had com- 
posed the funeral march.' ' 

Rossini and His Watch 

The famous composer possessed a magnifi- 
cent watch that his king had presented to him: 
It was a repeater and also a musical watch, for 
it played the maestro' s prayer from " Moses in 
Egypt." But not until after he had owned it 
for six years, did he understand it fully. Ros- 
sini took a boyish delight in showing it and 
making it play, and one day he did so while in 
a cafe. 

A stranger who sat near was attracted by the 
music, and just as Rossini was going to put it 
back in his pocket, he stepped up to him and 
said ; " You have a very valuable watch there, 



©erman Wit anD Ibumor 99 

sir, but I'll wager that you do not know all its 
capabilities." 

Rossini, much surprised said: ." I have car- 
ried it now for six years, in honor of my king. 
It has never varied one minute, it repeats the 
hour, quarter-hour, tells the minutes and the 
day of the month, and plays as you have just 
heard, the prayer from < Moses. 7 " 

"And yet, I insist," said the stranger smil- 
ingly, "that you do not know your watch 
wholly. I'll wager anything you like, — your 
watch against ten thousand francs ! " 

"Oh, well, if you have ten thousand francs 
too many, I'll take the bet," cried Rossini; 
" but now give me the proof of your assertion." 

"Very well, — the watch plays another piece 
of yours, master, and contains your portrait 
besides." 

Speechless, Rossini saw that when the stranger 
touched a spring a lid flew back, disclosing his 
portrait, while at the same time it played "Di 
Tanti Palpiti " from "Tancred." 

" Good gracious ! " he exclaimed, looking at 
his lost watch, "it is true, you have won the 
wager ; but how could I know ? ' ' 

The stranger, laughing heartily, handed him 
back his treasure saying : 

" I am the maker of this watch, Michel 



loo German Witt anfc Ibumor 

Plivee. The wager was made in fun, but I am 
delighted, that you, the great maestro, take 
such pleasure in my work." 

He Didn't Mean It 

The well-known pianist, Sophie Menter, de- 
lighted everybody with her simple, natural ways. 
One day in Pesth, while in a company of artists 
and lovers of art, Liszt among them, a young 
count, carried away by her playing, cried en- 
thusiastically, 

" Mein Fraulein, I lay myself at your feet ! " 

"Well," said Sophie Menter, stepping back 
and smiling roguishly, "go on, lie down ! " 

"Oh, I did not mean it literally like that," 
replied the count in consternation. 

"Now you see," said the young girl seri- 
ously, "that you should never say what you do 
not honestly mean." 

How a Fugue Was Made 
Kirnberger, the son of a carpenter, was taught 
music at an early age. One day he sat in a 
corner of his father's workshop, poring over a 
task his teacher had set him. Every now and 
then the boy would sigh deeply, and rub his 
forehead vigorously. His father who had 



<3erman XlXHit and Ibumor 102 

been watching him for some time, at last 
asked : 

"Well, my boy, what is the trouble?" 
' ' Oh, father, I am to make a fugue, and I do 
not know how to begin ! " Now fugue, in Ger- 
man, means also the groove in a board. 

" You silly fellow, why couldn't you ask me. 
Come right here and I'll show you." The good 
man took up a board, put his plane to it, and 
tried to show to his son how a fugue was made. 



CHAPTER VII 

For and About Travelers, Tourists, and 
Summer Boarders 

At the Railway Station 

L : — " Ah, how do you do, my dear sir ; where 
do you come from ? ' ' 

D:— « From Karlsbad." 

L: — "Well, how did the waters agree with 
you?" 

D : — " Not very well. I was there six weeks 
and am still as stout as ever. Towards the last 
I drank fourteen cups of water a day, and still 
did not lose anything to speak of." 

L : — " You should have gone to Wiesbaden. I 
was there only two days, didn't drink anything, 
and yet lost everything." 

Why He Curtained the Window 
Tourist (to hotelkeeper) : — "Will you tell me 
why you curtained the window of my room from 
the outside?" 

Host : — " Excuse me, sir, but you wanted a 
102 



©etman TRIM anfc Dumor 103 

cheap room, without a view \ and as I had only 
this one with a view, but could not rent that at 
your price, we just put the curtain on the out- 
side." 

No Cause for Alarm 

Stranger (at a mountain tavern): — "Say, 
mine host, what is that dreadful rumbling noise 
above? " 

Host: — " Dear me, I suppose the tavern is 
going to tumble down; it's very rickety. But 
that's nothing. If it doesn't kill us, we'll build 
a new one next year, and will hope to see you 
and your friends." 

Sticking to the Date 

Official (to conductor, who is hours behind 
with his train) : — " What made you so late? " 

Conductor: — " We don't run by hours and 
minutes, we just stick to the date ! " 

A Tough Parrot 
A gentleman farmer, from Pomerania, visited 
Vienna. At a bird dealer's, a talking parrot ex- 
cited his greatest admiration. He paid two 
hundred gulden for him and had him sent home 
to his friend Gela. After his return he called 
on him and of course asked for the parrot. 



104 German TOtft anfc Ibumor 

" Oh," said his friend," many thanks for your 
kind attention. He was a little tough, though." 

"What? the parrot? " 

" Certainly, he had to be cooked for six 
hours." 

" What? Did you cook that parrot? " 

" Why of course we did." 

" Gela, you are a fool. That was a trained 
bird; he could talk." 

" Well, why didn't he say so ? " 

Always Demonstrating 

Professor (on his wedding tour in the moun- 
tains) : — "Don't go too near that precipice, 
Elise, you might fall down." 

Young wife (laughing) : — -"Oh no, I should 
take hold of that pine tree there." 

Professor: — "That is a fir tree, my dear! 
Just see how careless you are ! You would take 
hold of a pine tree and when you got there, 
there would not be one to hold onto ! " 

Characteristics of European Capitals 
C. M. Oettinger gives in his magazine a 
humorous and striking characteristic of the Eu- 
ropean capitals. Amsterdam trades ; Aachen 
conspires; Berlin talks fashions; Brussels de- 



©erman WLit anfc Ibumor 105 

bates; Dresden wonders; Dublin begs; Edin* 
burgh dreams ; Florence stares ; Frankfort 
counts; Genoa laughs; Hamburg eats; Han- 
over sleeps ; Cassel snores ; Constantinople 
bathes ; Copenhagen adorns ; Leipzig reads (but 
only the newspaper) ; Lisbon works ; Madrid 
smokes; Mainz waits for the Cardinal; Man- 
chester packs; Mannheim swears; Marseilles 
sings ; Munich drinks beer ; Naples perspires ; 
Palermo fans ; Paris chats ; Pesth talks ; St. 
Petersburg is silent ; Rome prays ; Stockholm is 
having a good time ; Turin dresses up ; Venice 
loves ; Warsaw sighs ; Vienna digests. 

That Depends 

Lady (at a mountain resort) : — " As a mem- 
ber of the Alpine Club, you can tell me, I sup- 
pose, how many feet this mountain is above the 
level of the sea ? ' ' 

Gentleman : — "That — that is difficult to as- 
certain, as the height changes with the tide." 

On a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms 

Stranger (who sees the Rhine for the first 

time and has been told that the famous Rhine 

wine comes from these parts): — "Ah, how 

delighted I am to see this great river, from 



106 German WLit anfc Ibumor 

which they make that fine Rhine wine you get 
here ! " 



Effective 

i st letter. Wife (from a summer resort) : — 
" How I long for a few lines from your hand ! " 
(No answer.) 

2d letter. " I am very much worried about 
you, do write ! " (No answer.) 

3d letter. " I am devoured with anxiety 
about you ; it will kill me ! " (No answer.) 

4th letter. " If I do not hear from you by 
to-morrow, I shall come home ! n 

Telegram. " Stay where you are. I am well 
and happy ! Your husband." 

Counted Everything Twice 
Guest (to his host) : — " Look here, Herr 

Ochsenwirth, my bill cannot possibly be so much. 

There must be a mistake.' ' 

Host: — "Not possible, sir, since I counted 

everything twice." 

She Struck It 
Tourist (to a farmer's wife) : — " Well, my 
good woman, where is your husband to-day? 
Isn't he at home? " 



©erman TOtt anfc Ibumor 107 

" No, he's up on the Alps." 
" Aren't you afraid to be all alone ? " 
" Goodness no ! I am always glad when he 
is gone, then I have some peace ! " 

' ' But, my dear woman, you ought not to say 
that ! Man and wife belong together. I am 
always glad when my wife is at home." 
" Yes, while you are gadding about ! " 

Constant Change 
Stranger : — " How high is this mountain ? " 
Guide : — " My father always said eight thou- 
sand five hundred feet. But you can't depend 
upon that ; father died thirty-eight years ago, 
and since that time lots of things have changed." 

On the Alps 

"Look here, guide; on that signpost down 
below, it says it takes one hour to come up here, 
and it has taken us almost three ! " 

" I know that, but if we put that on the sign- 
post not a decent feller would come up here. ' ' 

A Striking Resemblance 
Countess (who has returned to her estate in 
the mountains for the summer) : — " Well, Sepp, 
are you all glad to see me back again ? ' ' 



108 German TOt and Ibumor 

Sepp : — "Oh my, yes! When you are not 
here the castle looks to us like an Alp without 
the cattle." 

How to Secure Notoriety 
Stranger: — "Why don't you put a railing 

along this dreadful abyss?" 

Guide : — " Well, you know the more strangers 

that fall down there, the more famous the abyss 

becomes ! " 

Complimentary 
Captain (to ladies on a steamer) : — " Ladies, 
please do not look so long at the compass, your 
magnetic eyes will spoil the course ! " 

Running Water 

Summer boarder: — "You said you had run- 
ning water in the yard, but I can see only a 
pump." 

Farmer : — " You just pull a little and it runs ! " 

A Scarcity of Something 
Traveler : — " Milk must be very scarce around 

here that you ask so much for it ? " 

Hostess : — " The milk is not scarce at all, sir, 

but travelers are ! " 

Ruin Enough 
Wife (at a watering place) :— " Well, dear 



German limit anfc Ibumor 109 

Emil, shall we stay here on the promenade or 
climb up to the ruin ? " 

Husband : — " What should I climb up to the 
ruin for ? To have to stay here four weeks is 
ruin enough for me!" 

Flooded 
A lady who had been to Italy for the first 
time was asked, after her return, how she liked 
Venice. "Oh, quite well," she answered, "I 
was only unfortunate in finding the whole place 
flooded." 

Marking the Spot 

She (in a railway carriage) : — " Why, Albert, 
what are you doing there? You are cutting 
into the window sill ! " 

He : — "I'm only marking the place where 
we had the most beautiful view." 

A Drawback to Wealth 

"But mamma, why are we so afraid of a 
thunder-storm ? The other people on the beach 
don't seem to be frightened. No others are run- 
ning home as we are ! " 

" Why, child, those are poor people. They 
don't draw the lightning as we do, who always 
have a lot of gold and silver about us." 



no ©erman WLit anD l)umoc 

Appreciative Tourist 

" Have you been away during vacation, 
Doctor ?" 

" Yes, I was in Thiiringen, gracious Frau, in 
Eisenach, and on the memorable Wartburg." 

" On the Wartburg ! Ah, I remember; isn't 
that where they have the beautiful waiting- 
rooms? " 

Prays for All Poor Sinners 

" Where are you going, Rosel? " 

"To mass.'* 

"Do you pray there for everybody, myself 
included ?" 

"Oh yes, your Honor; I pray for all poor 
sinners." 

What a Pity 

Owner of a villa: — "What do you think of 
these pine woods — this spicy odor ! You have, 
perhaps, a consumptive in your family ? ' ' 

Gentleman : — " No, thank God ! " 

Owner :— " What a pity ! " 

The Altitude of the Depth 

Guide (descending with a party into a deep 
abyss): — " So, now around the corner, and a 
few hundred feet further down. Then we will 
have reached the altitude of the depth ! " 



©erman WLit anD Ibumot m 

Couldn't Hear the Waterfall 
Guide : — " When the ladies are through talk- 
ing, your Honor will be able to hear the water- 
fall over there ! " 

Beautiful Sunsets 

Stranger : — " Yon are a happy people up here 
in the mountains ; you always have the beautiful 
spectacle of the rising and setting sun before 
you ! " 

Farmer : — " Yes ; but excuse me, doesn't that 
happen in the city, too ? " 

Soft and Tender 
Clerk (on the Rigi) : — "Gracious, how this 
glorious sunset makes a fellow feel soft and 
tender. Just now they are closing the offices at 
home in Frankfort ! " 

Misunderstood 
Physician (to a newly-arrived guest at a 
water-cure): — "The nature of your illness re- 
quires that you follow the rules here strictly. 
Drink three glasses of water every morning; 
after each glass, walk for half an hour. Exercise 
is the main thing. Strict diet ! Three cigars 
a day: one after breakfast, one after dinner, 



112 ©erman TOt anfc Ibumor 

one after supper. Come to see me again in 
three days." 

Physician (after three days): — "Well, how 
does the cure agree with you ? " 

Guest: — "Thank you, Doctor; so far, quite 
well. If I only did not feel so sick afterwards." 

Physician: — "Feel sick? After what? 
Doesn't the water agree with you?" 

Guest : — " Oh yes, that isn't it, but the cigars 
— I never smoked before ! " 

The East Wind 

Guide: — "Yes, sir; it is an immense ad- 
vantage to us that we nearly always have an east 
wind." 

Stranger : — " Is that statistic ? " 

Guide:- — "I have kept an account of it for 
years." 

Stranger : — " But pardon me, if you will look 
at the weather vane on that tower you will see 
that the wind is west." 

Guide: — "Oh, well, that's the east wind 
coming back." 

Frozen Music 
Banker : — "If architecture is said to be frozen 
music, what would you call a Sennhutte ? " (a 
hut on the Alps). 



©erman mift anfc Ibumor lis 

Professor: — " Why, a frozen Schnadahiipfel 
(senner's song), my dear friend ! " 



Need Not be Told 

Nervous lady (to the boatman before the 
famous echo on the Konigssee) : — " Won't you 
please tell me when they are going to shoot?" 

Boatman: — "You'll hear it soon enough, I 
won't have to tell you first ! " 

Cheap Pleasure 

A : — "I can't understand why people always 
complain about mountain excursions being so 
expensive. I just took a two days' trip again, 
and except for a bowl of milk, I didn't spend a 
cent." 

B: — "What are you giving me, why you 
must have starved ! ' ' 

A: — "Why of course not. I had a cold 
roast goose, a dozen hard-boiled eggs, a piece 
of ham, and two bottles of wine, with me. You 
don't starve, on that ! " 

No Need of Cows 
Stranger (to his host, a peasant on the Alps) ; 
" Your butter is certainly very poor." 
" If you please, it's our own butter \ u 



114 ©erman TOtt and flnimor 

"Why, you just told me you had sold all 
your cows." 

"Does the gentleman think we are so far 
behind the times, that we need cows to make 
our own butter? " 

Had His Choice 
Guide (on the summit of the Alps) : — 
"Look out, your Honor; if you fall down 
backward, you will be buried at Partenkirchen ; 
and if you fall forward, at Lermos ! " 

A New Driver 

Tourist (to guide): — "What will the team 
cost for the trip?" 

"Seven gulden." 

" That is too much. Here in my Badeker it 
says : Trip including a tip, five gulden." 

" Well, then you just let Badeker drive you ! " 

Wanted a Cheap Bath 

Economical stranger (at a bathing establish- 
ment) : — " How much do you charge for a 
bath?" 

Cashier : — " One mark." 

Stranger : — " Couldn't you fix one for me 
for half a mark? You might give me a little 
less water ! ' ' 



(Berman TOft anfc Ibumor H5 

At Home on the Lake 

Stranger (on the lake) : — " You had better 
row ashore, my man ; the waves are getting 
very high ; the boat might upset, and I should 
be lost! " 

Boatman : — "You need not be afraid, sir; I 
am at home on the water. A stranger was 
drowned here only last week, but we found his 
body the very next day." 

Imported Air 

" I am surprised that the air in this miserable 
town is so fine ! I wonder how it is ! " 

" That comes from the quantity of Swiss 
cheese that's consumed here ! " 

" Why, what has that to do with it?" 

"Well, just think what immense quantities 
of Swiss air are imported yearly, in the pores of 
that cheese ! " 

A New Flavor 

Guest: — "I had two portions of coffee for 
breakfast ; how much ? " 

Waiter : — " Beg pardon, sir, did you have it 
with or without sunrise? " 

A Matter of Looks 
A guest comes to a country tavern and asks 



116 German Wit and Ibumot 

for a glass of beer and a piece of cheese. As 
the latter does not look very appetizing, he calls 
the host and asks him to bring a nicer piece. 
He simply turns the slice over, so that the 
better looking side is turned up and says : 
" There you are ! " 

Flattered 
Author (at a mountain inn, reading a fresh 
newspaper, left by a newcomer) ; — " . . . 
What ! the King of Haiti is thinking of getting 
married? . . . Hm, hm ! I wonder if he has 
read my article on the necessity of marrying ! ' ' 



CHAPTER VIII 
On Cycling 

Street Scene of the Future 

Ordinance : Every foot passenger will 
carry a visible number and will ring a bell on 
approaching a cycler. Riding and driving 
strictly forbidden. 

Luck 

Cycler (passing a carriage on the road) : — 
"And still there are cabs — to-day, when the 
cycle rules the world ! They are a funny 
sight ! ... Of course an old woman is in it \ 
who else would use one of those antediluvian 
vehicles ? ' \ 

(Half an -hour later, he and his wheel have 
been picked up by the occupant of that car- 
riage, both badly bruised and battered) : — 
" What luck, that this cab came along ! I won- 
der how I would have gotten home without it ! ' \ 

Lies Elsewhere 
Lady (on her wheel, meeting the Herr 
117 



118 German TKUtt ano Dumor 

Forster, an acquaintance) : — " Please, Herr 
Forster, in what direction does Lahnberg lie? 
I am riding there to meet my husband who is 
on his new wheel." 

" Lahnberg lies about two miles from here on 
the road to the right — your husband lies to the 
left." 

A Pair of Them 
A : — " How is your wife ? " 
B : — "I see her very seldom now." 
A :— " Why, how is that ? " 
B:— "Well, you see, she always sits behind 
me on the tandem." 

Effect 

Piano repairer: — "It's strange that every 
week a pedal gets broken on this piano." 

Footman: — "It's because our young lady 
rides a wheel all day." 

Too Early to Talk 
(Two wheelmen, one of whom is a beginner, 

pass each other.) 

A : — " I see you are getting on very well ! " 
B: — "Oh yes,' for so short a time, I — 

(falls from his wheel) — you know, my friend, 

I ought not to talk yet ! " 



<3ecman WLit anD fbumor 119 

Wouldn't Appear Ridiculous 
Policeman (to a cycler): — "In this street 
cycling is forbidden ; get off at once ! ■ ' 

Cycler: — "My name is Meyer, policeman, 
and I live Tulpenplatz 277. Send for the fine 
— but don't make me look ridiculous before all 
these people. I can neither mount nor get 
off by myself; I can only ride.' ' 

Each to His Need 
Waitress (calling into the kitchen at a country 
tavern) : — " For the gentleman vegetarian a little 
green fodder, and for his steel horse a drop of 
oil!" 

What Papa Brought Home from His Trip 
Papa (bringing his wheel in) : — " Come here, 
wifey, and bring all the children ! Now, all of 
you open your mouths wide, I am going to open 
the pneumatic tubes, that I filled on the Arlberg 
with delicious mountain air for you ! ' ' 



A New Word 
A: — "Who is that gentleman in that sporty 
costume?" 

B : — " That is a teacher of cycling." 
A : — " Oh, a sort of velocipedagogue." 



CHAPTER IX 

Authors, Scientists, Artists, and other Celebri- 
ties 

Immanuel Kant and His Hostess 
The great philosopher was extremely careful 
about his dress. One day, having donned a new 
suit, he went for a walk, and in passing a house 
a careless servant threw some dish-water on him. 
He expressed his anger in a very lively fashion 
and went at once into the house from which the 
girl had come. The daughter of the house re- 
ceived him with many excuses, assuring him that 
all damage might be avoided if he would per- 
mit her to wash the spots off at once. Kant 
kept on scolding until the young woman had re- 
moved all traces of the mishap. She, who knew 
him very well, asked his name just for mischief, 
and when he had told her she said : " I am de- 
lighted, to have had this occasion to meet you." 
"I too am pleased to have made your ac- 
quaintance, ' ' replied Kant, "but not with the 
occasion that brought it about." 

"Oh, but it is just the occasion that pleases 
120 



©erman Wit and Ibumor 121 

me so much," said the young woman, "for if 
anybody accuses me of vanityafter this, because 
I am very particular about my clothes, I shall 
tell them that I am following the example of the 
great Kant." 

The Church Steeples 
At an evening company a number of anecdotes 
were told of some great man. "I remember to 
have heard similar anecdotes of other great men," 
said Kant, "but that is not surprising; great 
men are like church-steeples, around both is 
generally a great deal of wind." 

Goethe as a Skater 
One day Goethe made one of a skating party. 
His mother and a friend were sitting in a sleigh 
watching the skaters. Goethe came up to them, 
took his mother's long cloak off hung it around 
himself, darted to and fro on the ice, cutting the 
funniest capers for some time before he brought 
it back to her. 

Goethe as a Ghost 
Goethe often bathed at night in the Ilm. One 
beautiful summer night, when the moon shone 
full on the poetic swimmer, a countryman on 
his way to Upper-Weimar, wanted to make a 
short cut, by climbing over the gate of the 



122 ©etman WLit and Ibumor 

castle's bridge. Goethe saw him and in one of 
his mad moods, which set Weimar so often in 
commotion, he uttered the most unearthly yells 
and shrieks, while jumping up and down in the 
water. Those terrible sounds coming from a 
white figure with long, floating black hair, terri- 
fied the countryman so much, that he turned and 
fled as if possessed. 

Goethe's Gallantry- 
One evening Wieland was reading aloud to a 
large company, assembled at the country house 
of the Dowager Duchess Amelia of Tiefurth. 
The reigning Duke, who had been out hunting, 
came in during the reading, found the room too 
warm and opened one of the windows. Some 
ladies thinly clad sat close to it. Goethe observ- 
ing that they suffered, tiptoed to the window and 
shut it softly. The Duke turning around, saw 
that some one had resisted his wish. "Who 
has shut the window, that I opened ? " he asked 
the servants, but not one dared to mention the 
culprit. Goethe however, stepped forward and 
with an arch gravity said : " Your Highness has 
the power of life and death over all your sub- 
jects. Upon me let judgment and sentence be 
pronounced." The Duke laughed, but the win- 
dow was not opened again. 



(German TOit anfc Ibumor 125 

Goethe or the Devil 

Of another evening's reading, Falk von Muller 
relates : Goethe had come in, unnoticed by any- 
body, and sat down close to the reader, with his 
back turned to the audience. After a while he 
offered to read. At first everything went beau- 
tifully; then he began to extemporize and his 
exuberant spirits getting the better of him, he 
put everybody out of countenance in one. way or 
another. In a little fable, in doggerel verses, he 
likened me wittily enough, to a worthy turkey- 
hen, that sits on a great heap of eggs of her own 
and other people's, and hatches them with great 
patience, but to whom it sometimes happens to 
have a china egg put under her instead of a real 
one, a trick at which she takes no offense. 

" That is either Goethe or the devil," cried I 
to Wieland, who sat opposite to me at the table. 

" Both," replied he ; " he has the devil in him 
again to-day and he is like a wanton colt, 
that flings out before and behind, and you do 
well not to go too near him." Years after, we 
often laughed over that evening's performance. 

Schiller's Witty Reply 
When a youth, Schiller learned to play the 
harp. A neighbor who did not like him, said 
to him one day : " Herr Schiller, you play the 



124 German Wit anD Ibumoc 

harp like David, only not as well." "And 
you," Schiller replied, quickly, "talk like 
Solomon, only not so wisely." 



Schiller's Birthplace 
In a company the conversation turned to 
Schiller. One lady confessed she did not know 
where Schiller was born. " For goodness sake, 
keep still, don't let anybody hear you," said her 
friend ; " have you not read the poem : < I, too, 
was born in Arcadia ' ? " 

The Difference 
Bishop Ross, famous for his brilliant wit and 
fine humor, was discussing with some friends a 
new book, "Thoughts about Time and Eter- 
nity," when some one, who found fault with the 
title, asked him to explain to him the difference 
between time and eternity. "If I took the 
time to explain that to you, it would take me an 
eternity to make you understand it," was the 
bishop's answer. 

An Appropriate Text 
During a celebration at Berlin, followed by 
the distribution of some orders, an old general 
asked Count Ross whether it was not very hard 



(Berman Mft an& tbumor 125 

for clergymen always to find an appropriate 
Bible text, for sermons on special occasions. 
" Not as hard as you think,' ' replied the bishop, 
" we have our concordance and other books of 
help, which never fail us." 

" What text would be proper for the present 
celebration ?" 

" Oh, that is not hard ; you will find it at the 
beginning of St. Matthew, at the birth of Christ, 
where the evangelist says of the three wise men : 
'And when they saw the star, they rejoiced 
with exceeding great joy.' " 

A Flash of Wit 

Carl Lachmann was famed for his witty an- 
swers. In 1828 he was called to Berlin as rector 
of the University. One time he was presiding 
at a meeting of the faculty. It had grown late 
and pretty dark, when H., the dean of the 
theological department, entered. On seeing 
him, Lachmann called to the usher : " Herr 
Schade, have the lights brought ; darkness has 
entered." 

The Other Half 
A colleague, who had married a wealthy 
woman, and who liked to show off, asked Lach- 



126 ©erman WLit and Ibumor 

mann : " What do you think the addition to my 
house has cost me?" 

" Half," was the dry, curt answer. 

A Grave Joke 

When a friend informed him of the death of 
the minister of finances, Lachmann said seri- 
ously : " Yes, death comes easy enough to such 
as he, but the likes of us must first give up his 

soul." 

Linne's Revenge 
Linne, the great naturalist, followed the 
principle of never taking notice of criticism. 
His bitterest opponent was Browall — a small 
light beside the great scientist. At first Brow- 
all's behavior was very humble and modest, so 
Linne called a plant, of which only one species 
was known at that time " Browallia demissa " 
(demure or modest Browallia). Later on, after 
Browall had been advanced, he acted the high 
and mighty towards Linne, and he, having 
found a second species of his plant called it, 
"Browallia elata" (elated Browallia). At this 
Browall was very angry and wrote a great 
number of excited articles against Linne, who 
avenged himself further by naming a third 
species of the plant "Browallia alienata" 



©erman TOit and Dumoc 127 

(alienated Browallia). In this way he certainly 
took a lasting revenge, for this anecdote will live 
as long as botany lives. 

Never Drank Water 

When the poet Hagedorn was mortally ill, he 
asked his physician, what his illness was. 

"Water, my dear Hagedorn, too much water 
in your breast." 

"Why, that's entirely impossible,'' replied 
Hagedorn; "I never drank, in all my life, a 
whole glass of water." 

A Great Advantage 
A professor once undertook the hard task of 
translating Virgil into Greek and publishing it. 
In the announcement of his work he said : " In 
gratiam cor urn, qui Latinam linguam non 
callent" (For the benefit of those who do not 
understand Latin). 

Thorwaldsen's Teeth 
A well-known sculptor quarreled one day 
with Thorwaldsen, and went so far as to place 
his own works above those of the latter. " You 
may tie my hands," said Thorwaldsen, "and I 
will bite the marble with my teeth better than 
you can chisel it ! " 



128 ©etman wait and Ibumor 

Gone Crazy 
A scientist asserts that all effervescent drinks, 
such as champagne, are nothing but fluids, gone 
crazy over the treatment they received at the 
factories, and foaming with rage. 

Anything But His Medicine 
Gottfried Kneller, a celebrated portrait 
painter, had a beautiful flower-garden. His 
neighbor, Dr. Ratcliff's servant, came in so 
often to get flowers, that Kneller grew angry, 
and sent word to the doctor that he felt obliged 
to close up the gate. Ratcliff sent answer that he 
could do with it what he pleased, only he would 
not advise him to paint on it. 

"Good," said Kneller, "I'll take anything 
of his as long as it is not medicine. ' ' 

Failed to Appreciate the Laugh 
When the celebrated Professor Gesenius an- 
nounced a lecture on the first book of Moses 
(Genesis) his always well-filled auditorium was 
crowded. All the students were waiting impa- 
tiently for what was to come. Punctual to the 
minute, Gesenius appeared, and opened his 
lecture with these words : " Gentlemen, the 
Genesis is not as old as you think.' ' This was 
the signal for shouts of laughter from his entire 



©etman WLit anfc Ibumor 129 

audience, but which was not meant to offend 
their honored lecturer, and we do not know 
whether he ever heard the reason for this mer- 
riment. Gesenius had five daughters, whom 
the students designated by the names of the five 
books of Moses — Genesis, Exodus, etc. The 
oldest was Genesis. Hinc ille risus ! (Hence 
that laughter. ) 

Crebillon's Choice 
Crebillon was once asked why he chose the 
terrifying for the subjects of his tragedies. "I 
had no other choice left," he replied. " Cor- 
neille took Heaven from me ; Racine the Earth 
(world) ; so all that was left for me was Hades. ' ' 

Absent-minded 
Neander, the great church historian, wanted 
a book that was on top of a high book shelf in 
his study. The step-ladder was not high 
enough, so he climbed from that to the top of 
the high, square porcelain stove to reach the 
coveted treasure. He dived into it at once, and 
grew so absorbed in the contents that he forgot 
to come down from his perch. His sister, 
Neander' s Hannchen, waited in vain for him to 
come to the afternoon coffee. Anxiously she 
hurried to the study but she did not discover 



130 (Berman TOt and Ibumor 

him. Seeing the step-ladder leaning against 
the stove, and being of an orderly turn of mind, 
she put it in its place. Concluding that her 
brother must have gone out, she went back to 
her room. 

But when hour after hour went by, and even- 
ing came, and Neander had not appeared, she 
grew quite alarmed. What dreadful thing 
might have happened to him ! In the mean- 
time he — who was so painfully missed — found 
that it was getting too dark on top of the stove 
to read any longer, so he concluded to come 
down from his high seat. But, alas ! his retreat 
was cut off ! In a distressed voice he called 
for his Hannchen, who delightedly hurried to 
his relief. 

A Hard "Not" 
A young author once handed to Professor 
Engel a drama, whose title was, "Such is Hu- 
manity, " asking him to give his opinion of it. 
Engel returned it shortly, saying : "I wrote my 
opinion down on it." The author for some 
time looked in vain for the written criticism, but 
at last he found that Engel had added to the 
title the little word " not." 

A Frank Answer 
Emperor Karl V, once asked Michel Angelo 



(Berman Mit an& Ibumot 131 

what he thought of Albrecht Durer. The great 
painter answered: "If I were not Michel 
Angelo, I would rather be Albrecht Durer than 
KarlV." 

Unbiased Opinion 
Count D., a collector and somewhat conceited 
connoisseur of paintings, had a landscape in his 
gallery which he considered a great masterpiece. 
He showed it to a celebrated painter, asking his 
opinion of itj with these words: "Several peo- 
ple to whom I have shown it insist that it is a 
copy, but I'm blessed if I don't horsewhip the 
next fellow who says so. Now, my dear friend, 
I want you to give me your candid opinion of 
it!" 

An Interesting Pose 

A young man wished to have his portrait 
painted. 

"How do you wish to pose?" asked the 
artist. 

" With a book in my hand, reading aloud." 

Altruism 
A critic once boasted in company, of the 
power of his pen, and said, among other bright 
things, that artists owed their fame to him, as he 
distributed it. 



132 German TKHit anfc Ibumor 

"Indeed you do," replied a witty woman, 
" and so generously, that there is not a particle 
left for yourself/' 

Both May Be Mistaken 

Voltaire, while living at Berlin, once praised 
the poet Haller very much. A gentleman pres- 
ent said: "You praise Haller, while he ex- 
presses himself very differently about you." 

"You are right," returned Voltaire, "but 
possibly we are both mistaken." 

Very Slow 

"What," cried a young physician, seeing 
Voltaire drink coffee late at night, "you drink 
coffee ? Why, coffee is a slow poison ! ' ' 

"I believe you are right there; it must be a 
slow poison," replied Voltaire, pouring out an- 
other cup, "since I have enjoyed it daily, for 
about sixty years." 

Stars in the Wrong Places 
The great but timid astronomer, Schubert, 
once acted very awkwardly at a court function. 
Some one remarked how strange it was to see a 
great man like that act so strangely. A wag 
said sarcastically : "It, no doubt, confuses him 



©erman WLit an& flnimor 133 

to see so many stars in the wrong places, ' ' re- 
ferring to the medals on the gentlemen's breasts. 



All Score 
Gellert, the writer of a number of our most 
beautiful hymns, wrote the following, of Haller's 
poem " The Origin of Evil " : 

" I read The Origin of Evil, in our Haller's works, 
And determined, with some scores, 
To mark all interesting places. 
I read, I scored, read on, enjoyed it more, 
And when I finished, lo, it was all — score." 

Grillparzer and Hebbel 

It would be hard to find two more different 
natures than those two authors and poets. 
Hebbel was a giant, full of self-consciousness 
and spiritual pride, classing himself with Shakes- 
peare. Grillparzer was simple, painfully modest 
and retiring. 

While both were at Vienna, Grillparzer was 
invited to meet Hebbel, at an evening company, 
which honor he declined with the following 
words : 

' ' I have a great respect for what he writes, 
but, you see, I don't feel at home near him. 
I am truly afraid of him. He is too clever for 



134 (Serman TKHft and fwmor 

me. He often starts queer subjects to converse 
about. He is, for instance, fully capable of 
asking you : ' What is God ? ' Well, I don't 
know, but he does. Now, since I cannot argue 
with him, I should have to sit there like a 
mute. ' ' 

A Sad Waste 
Kastner once criticised a book like this : — 
"This book is printed on the worst kind of 
paper. What a pity to waste so much good 
paper ! " 

Slightly Misunderstood 

A stranger in Miinchen asked a gentleman 
where the painter Kaulbach lived. 

" Kaulbach ? The painter Kaulbach ? " said 
he. "I don't know the man, but if you need a 
painter, I can recommend painter X. very 
much ; he painted my landlord's doors and 
windows very well and very cheap." 

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing 
"Your book is full of donkey ears again/' 

said his father to the little Lessing. 

"Why father, that book has a perfect right 

to donkey ears," answered the future great 

dramatist and critic. 



©erman TWlft anfc Ibumor 135 

Forgot to Count the Money 
Lessing once had a servant, of whose honesty 
he was warned repeatedly. For a long time he 
paid no attention to this, but finally he con- 
cluded to test the man. He told a friend that 
he had left some money on the table, to see 
whether their suspicions were well founded. 
"But did you count how much you put 
there ?" asked the friend who knew Lessing's 
absent-mindedness. Lessing looked at him 
startled ; the need of counting it had never oc- 
curred to him. 

Who He Was 

One day Lessing entered an inn and sat down 
to write. The host came and asked him who 
he was. Lessing, intent on his writing, did not 
answer. Then the landlord came close to his 
side, looked over his paper and asked again 
harshly: "Who are you, sir; I wish to 
know ! " Lessing turned around and said very 
seriously: "I am Lucas the Evangelist." The 
saint, be it remembered, is always painted with 
an ox at his side. 

Called Him Names 
While Lessing was with Lichtenberg in Got- 
tingen, they talked one time about genius. 



136 <3erman Tixntt ano Ibumor 

Lichtenberg said : " You are a genius ! " To 
which Lessing replied : "I feel tempted to 
box the ears of anybody who calls me names 
like that." 

Absent-minded Men 

Theodor Mommsen, the genial historian, 
when working, was oblivious to everything that 
happened about him. Once he had a servant 
who knew well how to take advantage of this. 
He served his master's dinner in the study, and 
asked him to come to the table, but the professor 
paid not the slightest attention to him. A 
bright idea came to the man. He served the 
second course, took away the first, and ate it 
himself. He did the same with the second 
and third courses. 

A few hours later, the professor began to feel 
the want of food, and going to the kitchen he 
asked, angrily : " Am I not to have anything 
to eat to-day ? " " Why the professor has dined 
long ago," answers the servant unblushingly, 
and Mommsen, cursing his absent-mindedness, 
went back to his work again. 

Force of Habit 
There are absent-minded physicians too. The 
physician of one of the princes was so busy, that 



German Wlit an& Ibumor 137 

he never found time to take care of his own 
health. Finally a virulent fever took hold of 
him. Absent-mindedly he felt his own pulse 
and muttered : " The fellow is lost ; that comes 
from the stupidity of people who never will call 
in a doctor till it is too late." 

Will Call Again 

The great Lessing too was often absent- 
minded in the last years of his life. One even- 
ing he knocked at his own house door. The 
servant not recognizing him in the dark called 
from a window: "The professor is not at 
home." 

"All right, it does not matter," returned 
Lessing, "Til call again some other time." 

Saphiriana 
[How the great humorist came by his name.) 

Saphir's grandfather's name was Israel Israel. 
Emperor Joseph ordered that all Jews should 

take a permanent surname. Old Israel, when 
summoned before the magistrate was very un- 
decided, so the man of law and justice, in order 
to make short work of it, said: "You are 
wearing a ring with a sapphire. Your name shall 
be Saphir. That settles it. No contradicting 
or " 



138 ©erman Wiit anD Ibumor 

This "or" was accompanied by a certain 
look at two policemen. So this "or" is the 
cause of the humorist's name. 

Lend and Forget 
Saphir was once asked by Baron Rothschild 
to write something in his album. Saphir 
wrote : " Lend me ioo Louis d'or and forget, 
forever your friend, M. G. Saphir. 

Saphir's Witty Reply 

An indifferent, but very arrogant author said 
once : — " My works will be read when Schiller 
and Goethe are long forgotten." 

"Certainly, not before that," was Saphir's 
quick reply. 

Case Not Parallel 
Once an author came to Saphir with the 
manuscript of a comedy he wished to read to 
him, and said : — " You know, sir, that when- 
ever Moliere finished one of his comedies, he 
read it to an old woman in his service, thinking 
that whatever would make her laugh, would 
have the same effect on an audience. So in 
reading mine to you, I have no doubt that if 
it pleases you, it will please the public." 
"Thanks for your compliment, but since you 



©erman limit an& Iwmot 139 

are not Moliere, permit me to decline to play 
your old woman," was Saphir's reply. 

A Painter's Stick 
Some one spoke of a clever young woman, 
who had great talent for painting, and who had 
recently married a fool. "If she does a great 
deal of painting/' said Saphir, "I am not sur- 
prised that she took a stick ! ' ' 

According to His Need 
Saphir once had a wordy battle with an au- 
thor. The latter, who envied the famous 
humorist, said: "You write for money only, 
while I write for honor.' ' "Everyone of us 
writes for what he needs most," was Saphir's 
rejoinder. 

Heinrich Heine 

The first great wave of admiration brought to 
Heine also a host of cavillers and doubters 
of his genius. 

Young Levin, brother of Rahel Varnhagen, 
once told Heine, partly in fun, partly seriously, 
that his poems particularly, did not deserve the 
extravagant praise everybody bestowed on 
them, and that their chief charm lay in the 
quick transition from the highly pathetic to the 



140 <3erman WLit anfc Ibumoc 

trivial, and that anybody who had caught the 
trick could imitate them very easily. 

" Well, compose a poem a la Heine," said 
the poet laughingly. " I am not afraid of your 
competition. M 

Next day his friend returned, handing him 
the manuscript of a lyric poem : 

" Sie gab mir bei ihren Tode 
Ein blasses, blaues Band — 
Es liegt in meiner Commode 
Im Schube reenter hand." 

(" She gave me while dying 
A pale blue bow — 
In my desk it is lying 
To this day, just so ! ") 

This was what Heine read, and falling on his 
friend's neck in comical despair, cried: — "If 
you publish that I am lost ! " declaring himself 
vanquished by this pretended take-orT. 

To the End 

During the last days of his life, a friend 
visited him at Paris, and entered just as two 
nurses carried him to a fresh bed. 

"How are you, Heinrich?" asked his friend. 

"Very -well," replied Heine; "you seethe 
women still carry me on their hands. u 



©erman TWitt anfc Ibumor 141 

Alexander von Humboldt 
When Humboldt was made honorary citizen 
of Berlin, he made the customary visits of 
thanks to all the city fathers. In his round he 
came to the house of an elderly councilman, 
who hurried down-stairs in his lounging robe 
and received his distinguished guest at the car- 
riage door, with the explanation that he would 
never permit the venerable gentleman to climb 
the stairs in his behalf. At the same time, 
he was not going to deny himself the honor of a 
conversation. So he climbed into the carriage, 
exchanged with Humboldt for a quarter of 
an hour the usual courtesies, and ended his 
visit by slipping back into his house, calling to 
the coachman " to go on." 

A Famous Climber 
While living at Paris, Heine's apartments 
were on the fifth floor. One day on returning 
home, his wife met him at the door and told 
him reproachfully that an old gentleman had 
been there to see him ; she was very sorry that 
the poor old man had climbed all those stairs 
for nothing. Heine looked at the visiting card. 
"You may comfort yourself, dear child ; that 
man has climbed way above us. M It was the 
card of Alexander von Humboldt. 



142 ©etman llEUt anfc Ibumor 

An Unexpected Find 
One afternoon Humboldt was walking through 
one of the markets at Berlin, when his eye was 
attracted to one of the stalls, where a pair 
of beautiful pistols, inlaid with mother of pearl 
and of rare old workmanship, were exhibited. 
He bought them at the price of ten thalers, and 
on his return home he made the interesting dis- 
covery that one of the papers used for wrapping 
was a leaf from an old "book on herbs," the 
work of one of the earliest printers. To save 
from utter destruction a priceless treasure, 
Humboldt returned at once into the region 
of second-hand clothes-shops. For some time 
he could not find the man who had sold him 
the pistols, as all the dealers thought he had 
come to return them. Only when he declared 
that he had come to return a thaler given to 
him above his change, they all came from their 
shops, surrounded him and clamored for the 
money. They grew so offensive that Humboldt 
raised his pistols, which had the effect of mak- 
ing them take to their heels and also brought 
the real former owner, who told him to put the 
old shooting irons in his pocket, as they were 
not loaded, and to give him the money. Hum- 
boldt followed him into his shop and asked for 
the book from which the leaf was torn. He 



©erman Witt arts Ibumot 143 

soon discovered that with the exception of a 
few leaves, the book bound in pigskin was 
intact, and one of the rarest of its kind. Asked 
for the price of the book, the dealer in old 
clothes took a pair of patched trousers from 
a hook and said : — " Give me four thalers and 
you shall have this beautiful pair of trousers 
into the bargain. You will look swell in them 
next Sunday." The bargain was closed, but 
Humboldt declined the addition of old clothes. 
Whenever the great naturalist afterwards showed 
the treasures of his library to his friends, he 
never omitted to tell the story of how he ac- 
quired the " book on herbs." 

Murder Will Out 

Having just recovered from a severe illness, 
the amiable author of fairy tales, Musaus, was 
invited out to a dinner. Everybody there was 
pleased to see him looking so well, and congratu- 
lated him on his recovery ; but at last his wife 
could keep silent no longer and confessed that 
he only looked so well, because he had used 
her rouge when dressing. 

" Well, the murder is out," said Musaus ; " do 
you feel better now ? Yes, I did paint myself 
red, because I dislike being pitied on account 
of my illness, and would rather be envied for 



144 ©erman Wiit anfc Ibumot 

my healthy looks. But since my wife is such a 
tell-tale, I shall not keep silent either, and will 
tell you of a bright remark she made, a short time 
ago, while we were driving to Erfurt. We were 
passing a field of flax in full bloom and I said : 
* See how beautifully blue the flax is ! ' At this 
my wife points to the field next to it and says, 
just to show her extraordinary knowledge of 
farming : < Yes, but the tow in the next field 
is looking fine too.' " 

Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi 
One day the great pedagogue was obliged to 
borrow five hundred gulden from his friend, the 
burgomaster of Aarau. On his way home to 
Neuhof, he met a poor man, who told him that his 
barn had burned down and that he had been to 
Aarau to borrow the money to rebuild it, but 
had met with no success. What was the philan- 
thropist to do ! He gave the man the five hun- 
dred gulden. Of course it was necessary to 
return to his friend and borrow the same sum 
over again, and also to ask him to look the 
family up, but — now he came to think of it- 
he had never even asked the man's name. 

Taken for a Tramp 
Several times Pestalozzi, on account of his 



©erman WLit an& Ibumor 145 

negligent appearance, was taken for a tramp 
and locked up, once at Bern, and later on at 
Solothum ; at both places he was taken to the 
hospital. At Bern, Baron von Fellenberg, to 
whom he sent a note, hastened to the hospital 
to explain the error made and secure his release. 
Pestalozzi comforted his distressed friend by- 
telling him that he had had a very good bed 
and an excellent soup. In Solothurn, they put 
him in a room with a barred window, from 
which, luckily, he saw the friend he was to visit, 
and by calling to him, told him of his plight. 
"But, for goodness' sake, Pestalozzi, what did 
they lock you up for ? " asked his liberator. 

" Oh well," replied he, "they took me for a 
fool or a rogue." 

Caught for a Thief 
Another time Pestalozzi was caught by a guard, 
just as he had climbed into an orchard and picked 
up a fallen pear. The looks of the poorly 
dressed stranger justified the man's action, who 
collared him and took him to the village lock-up 
which was in the schoolhouse. As luck would 
have it, the magistrate had read Pestalozzi' s 
"Lienhart and Gertrud," and set the author at 
liberty with many excuses. On leaving the 
great pedagogue said : "In future, do not lock 



146 German TKIlit anD Ibumor 

up old rogues in your schoolhouse or you will 
have young ones come from it." 



His Awkwardness 

One day Pestalozzi was at a large dinner. He 
wished to be gallant, and, on offering a dish to 
his neighbor on the right, a lady dressed very 
elaborately, emptied the contents of it over her 
silk dress. To excuse himself he rose, and his 
hasty movement caused his spur to catch in the 
dress of his neighbor to the left, tearing it badly. 
This was more than he could stand. With one 
bound he rushed to the door, hurried down- 
stairs, out to the stable, mounted his horse and 
galloped off. 



Melanchthon's Hobby 

Philipp Melanchthon's hobby was palmistry. 
One day he dined with one of Wittenberg's 
councilmen. The infant of the family was shown 
to him, and Melanchthon was ready at once to 
prove his skill. He took the tiny hand and said : 
" This child will be a great theologian." 

" What a pity that it is a girl ! " exclaimed 
the father, while all present smiled. 



©erman WLit an& Ibumor 147 

Invited Himself to Dinner 

Superintendent Lohmann once visited his 
friend, the song writer, Pastor Hulsemann, of El- 
sey, Westphalia. Lohmann finding the door open 
entered the house. The parson was not in his 
study, but down-stairs in the kitchen he heard 
the parson's wife. Lohmann, full of fun, as 
usual, called down-stairs in his friend's voice, 
imitated to perfection : " Riekchen ! " 

"What is it?" 

" Lohmann, from Wesel, is here ; see that we 
have a good dinner." 

"What, is that slow old fellow here again? 
I wish the idiot would stay at home ! " 

Lohmann said nothing, but went back to the 
study. Soon after, his friend returned home and 
was very glad to see his dear friend, the visitor. 
Having no idea, of course, of what had hap- 
pened, he went down-stairs to tell his wife Riek- 
chen, that there would be a guest for dinner. 
Entering the kitchen, he said: "Lohmann is 
here." 

" You've told me that once before." 

"What! I told you? Why, I have only 
just now entered the house." 

One can imagine the greetings at dinner when 
the parties met ; one rather embarrassed ; the 
other ready to burst with merriment. 



148 German Wiit and Ibumoc 

Sedan and Ses Dents 
Pius IX possessed a fondness for humor, even 
when the occasion was a disagreeable one. When 
the news was brought to him that the French 
had lost Sedan, he cried : "Helas, Napoleon a 
perdu ses dents ! " Napoleon has lost his 
teeth (meaning, he will bite no more). 

The Rothschilds 

During the panic in the money market of 
1866, the agent of a money-lending concern 
-came to Baron Rothschild and begged him to 
advance them some money ; but was promptly 
refused. 

" Oh, but you have always helped us before/ ' 
wailed the agent. 

"I know it." 

" You lent us some money only a few days 
ago." 

6 < That is true also." 

" Then, why do you refuse it now? " 

"Well, you see, the Jewish law forbids to 
lend money to any one in extremity. ' ' 

Wanted to Keep on Growing Old 
Frau Rothschild lived to be eighty-nine years 
old, and, to the last, she retained not only her 



German Wit anD Ibumor U9 

faculties, but also her much-dreaded wit. In 
her last illness she whispered to her physician : 
" Dear Doctor, do try to do something for me." 

" What can I do? " replied the physician, " I 
can't make you young again." 

'•'I don't want you to; I only want to keep 
on growing old." 

Risked Life for Wealth 

In 1820, the head of the house of Rothschild, 
at Paris, was severely injured by a fall from his 
horse. In order to save the wealthy man's life 
the celebrated surgeon, Dupuytren, was called 
upon to perform a difficult and dangerous 
operation. 

The operation was successful, and was barely 
finished, when a letter was brought to the sur- 
geon, who, on reading it, gave a cry of astonish- 
ment. 

" What is it?" asked Rothschild, in a weak 
voice. 

"I must leave you at once ! " cried Dupuy- 
tren ; " you will excuse me ; the Duke de Berry 
has just been assassinated at the opera ! " With 
these words he rushed off. 

Against the surgeon's order, Rothschild man- 
aged to drag himself from his bed ; reached, by 
great exertion, the bell-rope ; and rang. 



150 German TOft and Dumot 

Servants came running from all directions, 
and he ordered them to send at once for his 
bookkeeper, his cashier, his agents. Several ap- 
peared within a few minutes. He cried : " SeH ! 
Sell everything, and at once ! " 

His prompt action saved his house from a 
catastrophe, as stocks went way down. But his 
imprudence made his recovery very slow, as it 
confined him to his bed for weeks longer. 

Saved His New Hat 

The famous sculptor, Schadow, and Minister 
von Schuckmann were both frequent visitors at 
a Berlin club. The former always went home 
early, while the minister was generally the last 
to leave, and had his carriage call for him. 

One evening the minister was the very last 
one again, and found in the dressing-room only 
one hat. Now his own hat was old and worn 
and this one was brand new. There was noth- 
ing to do — as he did not wish to drive home 
bare-headed — but to wear the strange hat. 
Although the rain was pouring down hard, it 
would not hurt the hat in the carriage. 

Early the next morning, while the minister 
was still in bed, his footman brought him his 
old hat and a note. It was from Schadow, say- 
ing : "I bought a new hat yesterday morning. 



<3erman TOft and Ibumor 151 

When I was leaving the club last night it rained 
hard, and as I did not wish to spoil my new hat, 
I took yours, knowing that your Excellency 
would drive mine home unharmed." 

No Great Art 
At a company, some one mentioned that a 
famous Dutch painter could, with one stroke of 
his brush, change a laughing child's face into a 
crying one. " Pshaw, that's no great art; I 
can do that with a broomstick ! " was another's 
dry remark. 

Style Neutral 
A Jewish country merchant was in Frankfurt 
on business, and decided to have a new suit 
made while there. The tailor took his measure 
and asked : " Do you wish the coat made Eng- 
lish, French, or German style?" " Make it 
nice and modern, but quite neutral ; I wish to 
live with the whole world in peace," was the 
Jew's reply. 

A Bit of Diplomacy 

A rich Jew asked a poor Jew to dinner. Fish 

was served, and the rich man gave the poor 

man the smallest. He picked at them with his 

fork, without eating any, and mumbled the while 



152 German mit anfc Ibumor 

in his beard. The rich man watched him for 
some time, and then asked : 

"Why don't you eat? What are you doing 
with the fishes? " 

"Excuse me," said the other, "I was talking 
to the fish." 

"Well, what about?" 

" I had a brother who was drowned some 
years ago, and we could not find* him in the 
water ; so I was asking the fishes if they could 
tell me something about him." 

"What do they say? " 

" That they were still too small to know any- 
thing about it; that I should ask the big ones." 

Ashamed, the rich man filled his plate with 
large fish. 

No Cause for Weeping 

A Jew cried bitterly, when during the day of 
atonement, the rabbi, chanting the psalm of peni- 
tence, came to the place: "Dust thou art, to 
dust thou shalt return." 

"Schmul, why dost thou weep?" asked his 
neighbor, trying to comfort him. " If thou wert 
gold, and had to turn to dust, thou would'st lose 
one hundred per cent. But since thou art dust 
and returnest to dust, thou gainest nothing and 
losest nothing." 



German WLit and Ibumor iss 

Her Private Voice 
A wealthy Jewish society man, of Frankfurt^ 
sat one evening at the opera, in which a foreign 
singer made her debut. Next to him sat a lady 
whom he knew slightly. He asked her very 
soon, how she liked the singer, and to her favor- 
able comment said : " Oh, I have heard her sing 
better ; she dined at my house yesterday and sang 
afterwards. Ah ; if you could hear her beauti- 
ful private voice ! " 



CHAPTER X 

On the Stage and Off 

To a Critic 
You may whistle me in or whistle me off, 
But that does not say, the whistler is smart. 

A Candid Answer 
A young actor was playing Razraan in Schil- 
ler^ " Rauber ' ' (Robbers). When he says to 
Moor : < ' Come, let us go to the Bohemian forest 
and gather a robber band," Moor cries harshly : 
" Fellow, who put these words into your mouth ! " 
The actor pointed at the prompter below, and 
said timidly : " The fellow down there." 

The Prelate and the Singer 
The following humorous incident is told in 
verse of Prelate Carl von Gerok, the recently 
deceased author of < ' Palm Leaves. ' ' It happened 
one spring-day in the King's park at Stuttgart. 
Along the philosopher's path, Gerok was walk- 
ing deep in thought, and carrying an umbrella 
very carefully in his hand. On a sidepath, never 
thinking of a possible shower, walked a well- 
known singer. Suddenly it began to sprinkle, 
154 



©erman Mit and foumot 155 

and in a few moments the rain came pouring 
down. The prelate, a gallant gentleman, offered 
to take the lady under his umbrella. Neither 
one knew the other. In pleasant conversation 
they arrived at the singer's house, and Gerok 
begged to know the lady's name. 

The clever child of the muses 
Has her answer quickly ready : 
" From the question I portend, 
That to the opera you never went; 
As the Prima Donna there 
Everybody knows me here. — 
Now it is my turn to ask 
And I beg of you, to tell, 
Under whose umbrella now 
I returned, protected well." — 
" From your question I portend, 
That to church you never went ; 
As the pious know me all, 
For the Prelate I am called." 



Acute Hoarseness 
The singer Tichatschek was once engaged by 
the Grand Duke of H. to sing for a few nights at 
his Opera house. On arriving, the singer went 
at once to an orchestra rehearsal of the opera in 
which he was to sing, and which was conducted 
by the Grand Duke, who was an enthusiastic: 
musician. While still behind the stage Tichat- 



156 <3erman XiXHit anD Ibumor 

schek could hear that the orchestra was playing 
out of tune and that the wind instruments were 
ahead. 

" Great heavens !" cried the singer, " what 
musical chaos is this ? What idiot is occupying 
the leader's desk?" 

With these words he stepped upon the stage, 
and found himself face to face with the Grand 
Duke, who exclaimed excitedly : 

"I am that idiot! " 

The singer canceled his engagement on ac- 
count of " acute hoarseness." 

Comforting Words 

A well-known comic actor, who had accumu- 
lated a large fortune, was on his deathbed. A 
number of his friends stood around, weeping. 

" Calm yourselves," said the dying man, " you 
won't weep over me as long as you have laughed 
over me!" 

Forgot to Crow 
At a small theatre, Hamlet was being given, 
and a very poor actor played the principal part. 
In the scene with the ghost, he shouted like mad. 
Some one in the parquet said : " Quite true to 
Shakespeare, only the cock forgot to crow when 
the ghost appeared." 



(Serman wait and tumor 157 

" Instead of that/' some one else said, " an 
ass brayed." 

Don't Meddle 

A money lender once asked Garrick what he 
understood by " honesty " ? 

" Why should you want to know," replied 
Garrick; "you had better not meddle with 
things that don't concern you ! " 

Very Obliging 
When a third-rate actor, playing Hugo in 
Milliner's "Guilt," stabbed himself, the au- 
dience cried : " Bravo ! da capo ! " (do it 
again). He jumped up, bowed, and stabbed 
himself a second time. 

The Young Assyrian 
At the Karl Theatre in Vienna the farce " Ju- 
dith and Holofernes " was being played. During 
the performance a small dog that had been 
hiding behind the scenes walked out on the 
stage, stood still in front of Holofernes and 
wagged his tail. Nestroy, who w r as playing 
that part, had hardly spied the uninvited guest, 
when he cried pathetically : 

" What does this young Assyrian here? " 
The audience broke into a roar of laughter 
and applause, while the young Assyrian fled. 



158 ©erman TKIlit anfc Dumor 

Nature, not Art 

A singer, whose simple, soulful singing more 
than compensated for the usual flourishes of so- 
called high art, was playing Julia in " The 
Vestalin." 

"Is this art?" asked the resident prima 
donna, of the manager. 

" God forbid ! " replied he, with a sarcastic 
smile, " this is pure, true nature." 

The Methodist's View 
A Methodist once said of a theatre : " It is 
a place where Satan can have, every evening, so 
many souls for a few pieces of silver, that he 
is sorry he once bribed Judas Iscariot with 
thirty pieces." 

Asking His Pardon 
While Beckmann, the great comic actor, was 
playing at Berlin, his friends persuaded him 
one day to imitate Frankel, the journalist and 
critic. He did it both in looks and manners so 
well, that at the close of the act the audience 
called for Frankel. The offended critic brought 
suit, and Beckmann was sentenced to ask the 
complainant's pardon, in the presence of wit- 
nesses and at the plaintiff's home. At the ap- 
pointed hour Frankel, surrounded by his family 



©etman Wit anD Dumor 159 

and a number of friends, was waiting for the 
penitent. Time passed on leaden feet. At last 
the door opened, Beckmann put his head in 
and asked : 

" Does Mr. Maier live here? " 

"Oh no," replied Frankel, "he lives next 
door." 

"Ah, then, I beg your pardon ! " said Beck- 
mann, who, having thus done penance, retreated 
quickly, amidst shouts of laughter from ?11 but 
the angry, disappointed Frankel. 

Peter and the Cock 

A manager whose name was Peter, engaged 
a singer, named Cock for a number of operas. 
At the first performance, the singer did not 
please. Things were worse at the second ; and 
on the the third night the house was empty. A 
critic said : 

" When the cock crew the third time, Peter 
went out and wept bitterly." 

The Actor's Generosity 
A great comic actor had been assisting at a 
concert, given for the benefit of the poor of a 
large parish. After the concert the clergyman 
entertained at supper all who had taken part. 
The great actor found under his napkin an 



160 ©etman limit anfc Ibumoc 

easter egg, and on breaking it, five gold pieces 
fell out. 

"Ah," he said merrily, to his host, " you 
knew that I am fond of boiled eggs, but one 
thing you did not know, that I eat only the 
white. Permit me to leave the yolk for your 
poor." 

Art and Artist 
On the same day a mediocre actor and a 
frivolous spendthrift died at Berlin. Some one 
remarked : " The city has lost to-day two artists 
of a peculiar kind : the one still owes us art, 
the other had the art to owe us ! " 

The Horse-Thief 

One day a famous actor, who was seeking his 
health in the country, missed his horse. He 
asked a countryman whether there were horse- 
thieves around. 

" Oh no," said he, "we are all honest people 
here ; but for some days, some actor-fellow from 
the city has been loafing around here ; perhaps 
he took it." 

Truth and Fiction 
A bishop once asked a great actor : 
" How is it, that we clergymen, in spite of 



©erman TOM an& t)umoc 161 

the great and true subjects we discuss in public, 
make so little impression, while you gentlemen 
of the stage, make so much ? " 

"It is because we actors make fiction sound 
like truth, while you clergymen make truth 
sound like fiction." 



CHAPTER XI 
The Gentian Soldier 

The Greater Misfortune 

"The enemies of our military system/ ' said 
an examining officer, " say that a standing army 
is a great misfortune. Can you tell me of a 
still greater one? " 

" One that is running away," was the quick 
rejoinder. 

Sitting and Standing 

A soldier who was supposed to stand guard 
at the entrance of a public building, had sat 
down on a large stone in front of it. An officer, 
In passing, asked him angrily : " What are you 
doing? " 

"I am sitting here standing guard.' ' 

The Soldier's Requisites 
Lieutenant : — " What should every true sol- 
dier have? " 

Recruit: — "Three sweethearts — a cook, a 
barmaid, and a laundress. 7 ' 
162 



©etman Mft anD Ibumor 163 

Diplomatic 

Colonel: — "I do not see, Lieutenant, what 
there is to laugh at, in the serious words I am 
addressing to you." 

Lieutenant (who has noticed that all the other 
officers present are watching him): — "If the 
Colonel will pardon me I will tell him. If I 
make a sober face, my comrades present will 
think I am being hauled over the coals ; but 
seeing me smile, they will think you are inviting 
me to your dinner-party to-night." 

The Recruit's Use for His Head 
"You, fellow ! " called a Sergeant to a re- 
cruit, " you are not paying attention ! What is 
your head for ? ' ' 

" That my necktie can't slip off." 

An Unconscious Repetition 
Colonel : — "I am sorry to have to tell you, 
but the Sergeant has lodged a complaint against 
you. You called him an ass." 

Captain of the Horse: — "Pardon me, Colo- 
nel; I am sometimes a little rough. I am 
really sorry to have used the expression, but I 
should never have thought that the man was 
such an ass as to be offended." 



164 ©erman *WHtt anfc Dumot 

A Queer Way of Reckoning 
Corporal: — "Captain, I have to report that 

three men are missing." 

Captain : — "Why, how is that? " 

Corporal : — " There are three sausages too 

many. ' ' 

The Standing Army 

"Will you not sit down ,by me, Lieuten- 
ant?" 

"Thank you very much, madam, but I 
belong to the standing army." 

The Odd Pair of Boots 

"Why John, what a stupid action this is," 
said a Captain of the Horse, to his servant. 
" You have brought me a pair of boots that do 
not match. One has a high top and the other 
a low one." 

' * I have been wondering about that myself, 
and I don't understand it," said the man, " but 
the most curious part of it is, that on the shoe- 
box stands another pair just like this one." 

The Jew's Reasoning 
An officer fell from his horse in a public 
square. A Jew standing near said: "This 
would never have happened to me, sir ! " 



German TOt and Ibumor 165 

" What, Jew, are you a better rider than I? " 
"Not that," replied the Jew, "but I should 
never have mounted the horse." 



Dense Stupidity 
Sergeant (to a recruit): — "You idiot, you 
are so stupid that Schwarz could not have in- 
vented the gunpowder, if you had been within 
forty miles of him." 

Proved 

An intoxicated soldier, who was quarreling 
with his Corporal finally said : 

"You just keep quiet; you are no man." 

" I'll show you," retorted the Corporal, draw- 
ing his sabre. 

"You can't do it," returned the other; 
"does not the Captain always say, when he 
orders out the guard : ' for this post, six men 
and a corporal ' ? Do you see now that a 
Corporal isn't called a man? " 

No Swearing on Sunday 
Captain: — "To-day is Sunday, so I won't 
swear; but to-morrow, you may all go to 
thunder! " 



166 (Berman wait anD tbumor 

Guarding the Sentry-box 
A recruit stood sentry for the first time. At 
first he walked quietly up and down before the 
sentry-box. After a while he grew tired, stood 
still before it, looked it all over and shaking his 
head exclaimed: "I wonder what they see in 
this old box that I must stand here and guard 
it'!" 

On the Parade-ground 

A squadron of cavalry was drilling for a re- 
view, which was to be held shortly. The 
Prince, riding past, looked on. An attack was 
executed which closed with a jump across a 
ditch. One rider fell with his horse and rolled 
into the ditch. The Prince rode up, asked the 
man if he was hurt, gave him a ten mark piece, 
and rode slowly away. 

"Sergeant," called the Captain, "give that 
fellow three days in the guard-house ! " 

Hearing this* the Prince rode up to the Cap- 
tain and said : 

"Could not you let the poor devil off for 
once?" 

"Your Highness," returned the Captain 
frankly, " if you give to every soldier who falls, 
a ten mark piece, my whole squadron will be in 
the ditch to-morrow." 



©etman Witt anfc f)umot 167 

An Important Question 

Officer's servant: — "Excuse me, sir; have 
you an advertisement in the paper, that on ac- 
count of sickness a horse will be sold ?" 

Gentleman : — " I have." 

Servant : — " Then my Captain wishes to know 
whether the gentleman is sick or the horse ? ' f 

The Listening Angels 
Captain (noticing that after his command 
"stand still" two soldiers are whispering): — 
"When I, your Captain, command, ' stand 
still/ the angels in heaven listen ; but you, you 
lobsters, can't keep your tongues still." 

Only Two Straws 
Captain of the horse (discovering two straws 
on the race-track): — "Lieutenant A., who 
ordered a hurdle-race for to-day? " 

Marrying for Love 
i st Lieutenant : — " Comrade, I am a happy 
mortal. Engaged to be married. Loveliest 
girl, — an angel I tell you. Marry for love — 
upon honor ! " 

2d Lieutenant : — " Has she money ? " 
ist Lieutenant: — "What a stupid ques- 
tion!" 



168 ©erman TOft anD Ibumoc 

His Own Handkerchief 

Lieutenant (to his orderly): — "You idiot, 
what are you thinking of, to clean my drinking 
cup with a handkerchief? " 

Servant: — "Beg your pardon, sir, but it is 
my own." 

The Cold Ice 

" Pray, tell me, Captain, why you are staring 
so hard at my plate ? " 

"I am admiring that ice, Fraulein, that can 
keep so cold in view of your charms." 

A Charitable Institution 

" Have not seen you for a long time, Count. 
Been on leave ? ' ' 

"Oh, yes, — been two weeks in Potsdam. 
Aunt died suddenly." 

" Well, well, — congratulations. Inherit any- 
thing?" 

"Not I; the old aunt left everything to 
charitable institutions. Stupid idea ! As if a 
German Officer of the Guard was not a charita- 
ble institution, too ! " 

An Unexpected Answer 
Sergeant (instructing) : — "Who commands a 
battalion?" 



©erman Witt anfc Ibumoc 169 

(Soldier is silent. Behind him some one 
whispering.) 

Sergeant: — "What blockhead is whispering 
to you?" 

Soldier :— " The Major. " 



Saved His Honor 

"Where is the sausage that you were to 
bring every evening ? ' ' 

"Excuse me, Lieutenant; I ate it myself." 

" What ! how dare you?" 

"Well, you see, sir, coming back with it, I 
met a comrade, and he asked me to whom the 
sausage belonged, and I said, of course, 'To 
my master/ 

"'What/ said he, sneeringly, 'does your 
master eat only a sausage for supper ? What a 
shame ! ' So I told him you bought it for me, 
and ate it up right before him and so took the 
shame upon myself." 

It Depends 

Lieutenant (to recruit): — "How should a 
soldier act before the enemy?" 

Recruit : — "That depends entirely upon how 
the enemy acts ! " 



170 ©erman Wit arrt> Dumor 

More True Than Kind 

Major's Wife (stout and elderly): — " Lieu- 
tenant von Schwenker is a charming man. At 
every ball he comes to me and begs for the first 
dance." 

Colonel: — "He is all right; he is a brave 
fellow, that Lieutenant ; he always does the 
disagreeable duties first.' ' 

An Appropriate Gift 
A general who had the misfortune to lose 
several battles, received as a New Year's 
present a box containing a drum on which was 
written : " Not good for anything but to be 
beaten." 

Thankful For Anything 

Lieutenant : — " You idiot ; you have brought 
me a single ticket instead of a return ticket ! " 

Servant: — "But sir, there was such a crowd 
at the ticketfOfrlce, that I was glad to get this 
one." 

The Lost Colonel 
Youthful Prince (as guest at a drill, sees the 
Colonel lead his regiment in a poorly executed 
attack) : — " General, that regiment I suppose is 
lost?" 



<3erman TOtt an& Ibumoc m 

General : — " The regiment is not, your High- 
ness, but the Colonel is ! ' ' 



Too Cautious 

" George, you must always knock at the 
door before you enter a room, and then wait 
until some one calls 'come in,' " said the 
Major's wife to a new servant. While the Ma- 
jor and his wife are at dinner, George puts his 
head through a crack in the door, but draws it 
back quickly, closes the door, and knocks. 
His astonished mistress calls: "Come in! 
. . . George, did you not understand ? I told 
you to knock first, and then wait until some 
one calls 'come in.' Instead of doing that, 
you looked first into the room. What did you 
mean by that ? ' ' 

"I understood you all right, but I had 
to look in first to see if any one was in the room 
to call 'come in.' " 

A Pertinent Question 

Corporal : — " Recruit Neier, how many more 
times must I tell you to hold your head up ! 
What makes you look at the grass all the time; 
haven't you had your breakfast yet? " 



172 German Wiit an& Ibumor 

Subordination 

Major (narrating): — "But when, on the 
thirteenth of October, the battle of Leipzig was 
fought " 

Lieutenant : — " Excuse me, Major ; that was 
on the eighteenth.' ' 

Major: — "Young man, do you think you 
know it better than I ? I tell you it was on the 
thirteenth." 

Lieutenant: — "I do know it was not, for 
only lately I read the history of the battle by a 
famous historian. " 

Major: — "Don't talk to me about any 
of your scribblers. I — your Major — tell you it 
was on the thirteenth.' ' 

Lieutenant: — "Pardon me, Major, if I 
doubt it in spite of that." 

Major (boiling with rage): — "Very well, 
Lieutenant, then I tell you officially ', that it was 
on the thirteenth." 

Lieutenant: — "Very well, Major, then it 
was on the thirteenth." 

Modest 

The Lieutenant wishes to give to a reporting 
soldier a cigar, and opens a fresh box. 

Soldier: — "Oh don't trouble about opening 
the box, sir; I can do that at home." 



(Perman XKHit an& ftumor 173 

Poison in It 

Captain: — "John, go up-stairs and ask my 
wife to give you my field-flask ; but don't you 
drink out of it. I believe there is poison in it." 

John (in the Captain's rooms) : — " Will 
the gracious Frau kindly give me the Captain's 
field-flask?" 

Captain's Wife: — "Which is the one he 
wants ? There are several hanging here. ' ' 

John: — "The one which the Captain be- 
lieves has poison in it." 

Nothing Else to Do 

Sergeant: — "A sentry may not leave his 
post under any circumstances. Recruit Huber, 
what would you do if you stood guard at the 
powder magazine, and there should be an ex- 
plosion and the whole thing flew into the air? " 

Huber:— "Fly with it." 

His Size 

"Marie, why did you make the potato dump- 
lings so dreadfully large ? " 

"Well, you know, madam, that my sweet- 
heart is in the Artillery, and he is used to this 
size." 



174 ©erman wait an& Ibumot 

He Forgot Himself 
Captain of the Cavalry (playing a duet): — 
"But my dear lady, you are again a nose- 
length ahead of me ! " 

A Strenuous Captain 

Lady: — "Please, Captain, play my accom- 
paniment on the piano/ ' 

Captain: — "With great pleasure! I'll fol- 
low you through thick and thin on that piano." 

Not Very Clear 

Sergeant (at instruction) : — " Muller, what 
is horizontal?" 

Soldier: — "If from the centre of the 
earth " 

Sergeant: — "Never you mind the centre of 
the earth ; I asked you what horizontal is. ' ' 

Soldier : — " Every plain " 

Sergeant: — "Oh pshaw! Now listen! four 
equally high feet, a couple of boards across 
them — that's horizontal." 

Never Deserts 
" May I offer you some dessert, Lieutenant ? " 
"Thank you — but a Lieutenant never de- 
serts ! " 



(Berman TOit and Ibumor i?5 

One Thing Forgotten 

Corporal (to his men, with whose drilling the 
Colonel has just found fault) : — " I tell you this 
much, you fellows, if you don't do any better, 
we shall drill the whole day, have field practice 
at night, bivouac afterwards, without fire, with- 
out straw, without cooking, and with the ther- 
mometer ten degrees below zero." 

A voice from the ranks: — "Why don't you 
let it rain too ! " 

Rather Mixed 
Ten minutes after taps : — " Oh say ! don't run 
so hard. We'll get there early enough to be — 
too late." 

Disagreeable 

Lieutenant : — "I saw you running after a girl 
last night. It was after ten o'clock, and she was 
a homely, old piece at that. You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself." 

Soldier: — "Your pardon, Lieutenant, but — I 
was ordered to take — the Colonel's wife home 
from the theatre." 

At the Swimming School 
Sergeant (to a recruit): — "You big num- 
skull, you are more stupid than a piece of wood ! 



176 German Wit anfc Ibumoc 

That, at any rate can swim, and that is a good 
deal more than you can do ! ' ' 



A Cunning Sergeant 

In the barrack yard of a garrison stood a lot 
of pear trees. The pears were ripe and a squad 
of soldiers under the supervision of Sergeant 
Schulze, is ordered to gather them. Punctually 
at the appointed hour the men arrive, and, 
shortly after, have disappeared among the 
branches of the trees to begin their task. Ser- 
geant Schulze soon notices that more pears go 
into the men's pockets than into the baskets. 
However he says nothing and looks on smilingly. 
As soon as all the fruit is gathered, he orders the 
men to the horizontal bars standing in the yard, 
whereupon there is a great shower of pears from 
the men's pockets. 



Fault of the Target 

Captain: — "What were the results of your 
target-practice?" 

Sergeant : — " Good, Captain ; my men would 
have shot better if the target had stood a little 
more to the right. ' ' 



©erman Wlit anfc f>umor 177 

Couldn't Ride 
Corporal : — " Goodness me ! that fellow wab- 
bles around on his horse, like a poet on Peg- 
asus ! " 

The Horse's Grudge 

" There is that fellow fallen off again ! That 
is about the tenth time to-day ! ' ' 

" Corporal, I believe that horse has a grudge 
against me." 

Condescension 
Recruit (lying on the ground) : — "Captain, I 
won't sit that horse again; he is too uppish. 
Just see him lopk down on me!" 

Bivouac Punch 

Captain: — "What in the name of common 
sense, is the matter with this punch ? It tastes 
abominable ! Schaffer, what kind of water did 
you use when you made it ? " 

Schaffer: — "It was quite fresh from the vil- 
lage, sir, but as you said you did not need it for 
an hour and it was boiling, I cooked the sausages 
in it." 

It Depends on His Looks 
Lieutenant : — " Mayer, suppose you are stand- 



178 (Berman Mit anD Ibumoc 

Ing sentry, and an officer, wearing his cloak 
comes along, you cannot tell whether it is a 
General or a Captain ; what salute would you 
make?" 

Mayer: — "If he looks pleasant I would 
4 shoulder arms/ but if he looks gruff, I had bet- 
ter < present arms. ' * ' 

Too Far Away 

Sergeant: — "Recruit Berger, you were ten 
minutes late again last night ; where were you ?" 

Berger: — "I — I — was with my sweetheart, 
and she lives so far away — that " 

Sergeant : — " How many times must you fel- 
lows be told that discipline does not bother with 
love affairs ! If you must fall in love, do it near 
the barracks. 1 ' 

For His Helmet's Sake 
Sergeant: — " Why must a soldier never lose 
his head?" 

Recruit : — " Because — because - — he could 
never put his helmet on again." 

A Good Shot 
A recruit, who was standing guard one night 
near an observatory, was staring thoughtlessly at 
the sky and up at the tower. Suddenly some- 



©erman TOtt and Dumor 179 

body appeared on the observatory, and, as the 
recruit thought, pointed with a long gun into the 
night. " Now I should just like to know what 
that man up there wants to shoot in the dark," 
he said to himself, while his eyes followed the 
direction of the telescope. All at once a star 
fell. The gun dropped from the astonished re- 
cruit's hand as he cried : ' ' Well, I'll be jiggered ; 
he hit it ! " 

Remedy for Don Juans 
General : — " Were you at my house ? " 
Adjutant : — " Yes, sir ; your gracious wife is 

at home, and Lieutenant von Schneidewitz is 

there.' ' 

General : — " Again ? Have an alarm sounded 

at once." 



CHAPTER XII 

Crowned Heads and Some of Their Famous 
Statesmen and Generals 

No Money, No Gun 

Markgraf Johann von Brandenburg, 
reigning Prince of Neumark, was in the habit 
of leaving his debts stand for a long time. His 
gunsmith at Nuremberg was well aware of this. 
So having filled an order, he wrote one day the 
following laconic letter to him : 

" Good-day, your Grace ! Your gun is 
finished. If you send the money, I'll send you 
the gun. If you don't send the money, you 
won't get the gun. God be with you ! " 

His Grace, far from resenting this language, 
sent the money. 

The Living and Not the Dead 
Emperor Joseph II of Austria, was once 
asked by an ecclesiastic of noble birth, for per- 
mission to go to Rome, to visit the graves of the 
Apostles Peter and Paul. The Emperor made 
this very appropriate answer : 
180 



German TOtt artf> Ibumoe 181 

"It would be more agreeable to me, if, in- 
stead of making a pilgrimage to dead bones, you 
would visit more in your parish. I am sure the 
Apostle Princes would be more pleased with 
that, too." 

Good Advice 
On one occasion Emperor Joseph II returned 
the poems of a very indifferent poetess whose 
name was Kemeter, with this marginal note : 
"My dear Kemeter, you had better make 
hemeter " (shirts). 

The Unusual Postilion 

Emperor Joseph II traveled under the name 
of Count von Falkenburg. Once, when passing 
through Stuttgart, the Duke of Wiirtemberg 
offered to him the use of the castle, but the 
Emperor declined, saying he would rather go 
quietly to a hotel. Then the Duke ordered all 
hotelkeepers of Stuttgart to take down their 
signs and had an immense one put over the 
castlegate which bore these words : " Hotel 
Emperor Joseph II." 

Such an invitation the Emperor could not re- 
sist. When he descended from his carriage, 
the Duke received him, dressed as a hotel- 



182 German TOit anfc Ibumor 

keeper, while members of the highest nobility 
played the parts of servants. The most beauti- 
ful ladies, in cap and apron acted as chamber- 
maids, some noblemen as waiters. The Em- 
peror entered into the joke heartily, and it was 
carried on through the day in the most charming 
manner. His going was as remarkable as his 
coming. When the coach drove up, a postilion 
mounted the horse. His shabby coat and dirty 
boots drew the Emperor's attention. 

1 ' This fellow," he said, laughing, "is cer- 
tainly no flatterer ; he did not even put on his 
Sunday coat. He looks as if he liked a drink ; 
we must give him a good tip." 

But the postilion drove with great skill, and 
very fast. When they reached the first station 
his Majesty was going to give him a good tip 

but was told that it was the Prince who 

had driven him in his own coach. The Em- 
peror thanking him said: "You made a 
splendid postilion, but if I had watched you, I 
should have discovered the fraud, for now I 
think of it, you did not swear once." 



The Fourth Vow 

A knight of the Maltese Cross, once boasted 
before Emperor Leopold II: "We took three 



German TOt and Ibumoc 183 

vows, that of poverty, of chastity, and of obedi- 
ence.' ' 

"As far as I know," returned the Emperor, 
"you made a fourth one, — that, of not intend- 
ing to keep any of the three. " 

The Two Exceptions 

A quick, witty answer always won the heart 
of Frederick William I. Once, on horseback, 
he turned a street corner, and found himself so 
close to a young man that his horse's nose 
touched the latter' s breast. 

"Who are you? " he asked harshly. 

" A Candidatus Theologiae, your Majesty." 

"Where from?" 

"From Berlin." 

"Pshaw, the Berliners don't amount to any- 
thing." 

"The majority certainly do not, your Maj- 
esty, but there are exceptions. I know of two. ' ' 

"Who are they?" 

" Your Majesty and — myself." 

This was a man after the King's own heart, 
unafraid, quick-witted. It was not long before 
he had a good parish. 

The Empty Upper Story 
King Frederick William I after an audience 



184 ©erman TRUit an& Ibumor 

with an Ambassador, said to his equerry, who 
was present : 

"Isn't he a tall, handsome man? What do 
you think of his head? " 

"Tall, handsome people, like the Ambassa- 
dor, your Majesty, resemble houses four or five 
stories high. The first three or four stories are 
generally occupied, but the upper story is 
empty." 

An Effectual Cure 

While Prince von Lobkowitz was Emperor 
Leopold's minister of state, at the beginning of 
the eighteenth century, the streets of the Aus- 
trian capital were in a dreadful condition. 
Lobkowitz had asked the city officials repeatedly 
to see that the streets were kept clean, but with- 
out avail. Then the Prince, in his capacity as 
Governor of Vienna, sent for the burgomaster, 
who arrived in his embroidered court dress, low 
shoes, and silk stockings. The Prince received 
him pleasantly, but seemed very busy. 

" I beg your pardon," he began, " but urgent 
business calls me away ; come with me in my 
carriage and we will discuss affairs on the way. 
I will put you down in your street, so you can 
send your own carriage home." 

The very much flattered and elated burgo- 



©erman Wit an& Ibumot 185 

master did so, and took his seat beside the 
Prince, who began to talk about the weather. 

Suddenly the minister looked around as if 
frightened. 

" Ah," he said in a tone of deep regret, just 
as the carriage was going through one of the 
filthiest streets of the city, "I have mistaken 
my way. I must ask you to descend here, as 
my business calls me to the other side of the 
city, and I am late already." 

The footman opened the carriage door, but 
when the burgomaster saw the sea of mud into 
which he was to step, he turned to the Prince 
and begged to be taken a little further. 

"Impossible," said Lobkowitz, firmly. So 
the poor burgomaster, in his court finery, had 
to step out into the mud into which he sank 
ankle deep. Lobkowitz laughed aloud. But 
he never had to complain of dirty streets again. 

. Punished by Proxy 
A basket of fine cherries having been sent to 
Frederick the Great, at a time when that fruit 
was extremely scarce, he sent them by one of his 
pages to the Queen. The page, tempted by the 
beauty of the fruit, could not resist tasting, and 
finding them delicious, devoured them all> 
without reflecting on the consequences. 



186 <3erman TKWt an& Ibumot 

A few days afterwards Frederick asked the 
Queen how she had liked the cherries. 

" Cherries ?" said the Queen, "what cher- 
ries?" 

"Why, did not Clist, the page, bring you a 
basket the other day ? " 

" No," replied her majesty, " I have not seen 
any." 

" Oh," said the King, " I will give that rogue 
something more savory." 

He then went to his room and wrote the fol- 
lowing note to the officer of the royal guard. 

" Give the bearer twenty-five lashes, and take 
his receipt for them." 

He then called Clist, and told him to take the 
note to the guard-house and wait for an answer. 

The page, however, fearing something wrong, 
determined to send the note by somebody else, 
and just as he was going out at the palace door, 
he met a Jew banker who was well-known at 
court, and asked him to carry the King's note. 
The Jew, glad of an opportunity to be obliging, 
went at once. On his arrival at the guard -house, 
the officer read the note, told the messenger to 
wait, and called out the guard. The Jew, think- 
ing it was to do him honor as a messenger from 
court, begged the officer not to give himself any 
trouble. 



©erman TOft anD •foumor 187 

" I will not," he replied, and ordered the 
guard to seize the Jew, and give him twenty-five 
lashes, which was immediately done. The Jew, 
with his honor and his back severely wounded, 
was going away; but the officer told him he 
could not go till he had given a written acknowl- 
edgment for what he had received. The Jew 
was obliged to give it for fear of getting another 
beating. 

The affair soon came to the ears of the King, 
who, though he could not help laughing heartily 
at the adventure, was obliged to confer some 
favors on the hero of it, as the banker frequently 
advanced him large sums of money, in cases of 
necessity. 

Did Not Stammer When Singing 

Frederick the Great once gave an audience to 
a man who stammered. This grew very tire- 
some to his Majesty, who asked : 

" Tell me, do you stammer when you sing ? " 

"No — your — Majesty ! " 

" Well then, just sing to me, what you wish to 
tell me." 

Without Mercy 
"Well, I made one parson happy, for this 
world and the next," Frederick the Great often 



188 ©etman TIflUt and Dumoc 

said laughing heartily. "It was in Silesia. I 
had been quartered several times at the village 
parson's without ever having seen him, so I sent 
for him. 

" ' How do you do, parson? ' 

"< Very badly.' 

"'Well, Well! Have patience; everything 
will be all right in the next world.' 

" i I doubt it very much ; I am afraid it will 
be worse. ' 

"'How so?' 

" ' I have two daughters, three sons, a small 
parish and — debts. If I die, without having 
satisfied my creditors, your Majesty will under- 
stand that I should be damned without mercy.' " 

He Did Not Understand 

Frederick the Great made the personal ac- 
quaintance of every soldier of his regiment of 
guards. Whenever he saw a fresh one, he put 
the three following questions to him: "First, 
how old are you ? Second, how long have you 
been in my service ? Third, are you satisfied 
with your pay and treatment ? " 

It happened that a young Frenchman, who 
did not understand German, enlisted in the 
Prussian service, and Frederick, on seeing him, 
put the usual questions. The soldier had learned 



(Serman TWHt and Ibumot 189 

the answers by heart, but in the same order as 
the King generally interrogated. 

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the King 
began with the second question : 

" How long have you been in my service ? " 

" Twenty-one years," replied the Frenchman. 

" What ! " said Frederick, " how old are you 
then?" 

"One year," was the reply. 

"Upon my word," exclaimed his majesty, 
" you or I must be mad ! " 

"Both," replied the soldier, according to 
what he had been taught. 

"Well," said the astonished King, "this is 
the first time I have ever been called a madman 
by one of my guards. What do you mean by it, 
sir?" 

The poor fellow seeing that the King was an- 
gry, told him, in French, that he did not under- 
stand a word of German. 

"Oh! is that so?" said the monarch. 
" Well, learn it as soon as possible, and I have 
no doubt that you will make a very good sol- 
dier." 



In His Majesty's Service 
Some time after having sustained a severe de- 



190 ©erman TKIlit anfc Ibumot 

feat at Kolin, Frederick the Great, at a review, 
jokingly asked a soldier, who had a deep cut in 
his cheek : 

" Friend, at what ale-house did you get that 
scratch ? ' ' 

" I got it," said the soldier, " at Kolin, where 
your Majesty paid the reckoning." 



The King Would Run Too 

Just before the battle of Rosbach (1757), 
things looked bad for the King. Frederick the 
Great was lying asleep on a heap of straw near a 
camp-fire, when he was awakened by one of his 
grenadiers calling : 

" Frederick ! " (The grenadiers of his guard 
were allowed to call him that.) " Look, they 
are bringing in one of your grenadiers who has 
deserted ! ' ' 

" Why did you run away and leave your 
King? " was Frederick's question. 

" Well, things were going so badly with you, 
that I wanted to try my luck elsewhere." 

" You are right," concluded the King ; " but 
just try one more campaign, and if things don't 
look any better for me after that, I'll promise 
you, I will run away with you ! " 



German TOit anD Dumot 191 

Would Declare War 

If Frederick the Great heard that any one 
had spoken ill of him, he simply asked : 

1 ' Does the fellow own a hundred thousand 
men ? ' ' 

"No." 

"Well, then, I can't do anything to him; 
but if he commanded a hundred thousand sol- 
diers I would declare war on him." 

The Snuff Box of Frederick the Great 

One time Frederick the Great presented to 
Count von Schwerin, his equerry, a snuff-box 
with a monkey on the lid. The Count had the 
monkey taken out and the king's picture put in 
the place. In the evening, looking as pleased 
as possible, he paraded it before the king's eyes. 

"You seem to like it," said the king, with 
an ironic smile. 

"Everything that comes from your Majesty's 
hands is precious to me," Schwerin assured 
him, "and I value this box the more, as it 
shows the picture of one whom I honor with all 
my heart — your Majesty's picture ! " As- 
tounded at this impudence, Frederick looked at 
the box, and, noticing the change, laughed at 
the old diplomat and said : 

" The idea is fine and does you honor, but the 



192 <5erman idit attf> Ibumot 

picture is not good ; here is a better one ! " and 
handed him his own richly-jeweled snuff-box. 



The Bishop's Cloak 

One of the characteristics of Frederick the 
Great was that he loved a tilt with the clergy. 
So he said to the Bishop of Ermenland : 

"I hope to slip into paradise under your 
cloak." 

" Hardly," returned the Bishop, whose in- 
come had been reduced to one-third, "your 
Majesty has cut down my cloak too much." 

Deserved His Rest 

General Ziethen once fell into a doze at the 
king's table. As some one made a motion 
to rouse him, the king said : 

"Let him sleep. He has watched long 
enough that we might rest." 

Thoughtfulness for Others 
During the many wars he was engaged in, 
Frederick the Great shared not only all the 
dangers but also all the hardships of the com- 
mon soldier. 

Once he marched with his grenadiers till 



©erman Wit anD Ibumoc 193 

very late at night. At last they halted, and the 
king said : 

"Grenadiers, it is a very cold night; we 
must have a fire ! " One was built at once. 
Frederick wrapped himself in his cloak, sat 
down on a few pieces of wood near the fire, and 
the soldiers grouped themselves around him. 
After a while General Ziethen came, and he 
also sat down on a little pile of wood. Both 
were extremely fatigued and soon fell asleep. 

The king, on opening his eyes, perceived 
that Ziethen had slipped off his seat and that a 
grenadier was placing a fagot under his head 
for a pillow. In a loud voice Frederick said : 

" Bravo ! the old gentleman is very tired ! " 
Soon after, a grenadier got up, half asleep, in 
order to light his pipe by the fire, and care- 
lessly touched the General's foot. The king, 
who was glad to see Ziethen take a little 
much needed rest, held up his hand and said 
whisperingly : 

"Take care, grenadier, not to waken the 
General ; he is very sleepy. " 

A Double Reward 
General Seydlitz once reported to Frederick 
II one of the skirmishes such as happened 
almost daily during the seven years' war, and 



194 ©erman WLit an& Ibumor 

in doing so, praised a Lieutenant, whose con- 
duct and splendid bravery well merited an 
order. The king had the young officer sum- 
moned and said to him pleasantly : 

"I hear you have been very brave. I wiM 
reward you for it. Here are a hundred Fried - 
richsd'or, and here is the order of merit. You 
may choose." 

Without a moment's hesitation, the officer 
took the money. 

"You don't seem to have much regard for 
honor, anyway," said the king, displeased. 

"Pardon me, your Majesty," replied the 
officer frankly, "I have debts, and honor de- 
mands that I should pay them as soon as pos- 
sible. I hope to earn and return for the order 
in a few days." 

"That is brave, my son," said the king, 
patting the Lieutenant's shoulder. "You may 
take the order now ; you deserve it ! " 



A Scarcity of Chairs 

One morning while out riding near Potsdam, 
Frederick met a post-chaise in which sat one of 
his generals, who had numerous debts. 

"Why my dear W.," said the king to him, 
« you are off early ; where are you going ? " 



German TKMt anD l>umoc 195 

•"To Potsdam, your Majesty, to have an 
understanding with my creditors. " 

"Oh," smiled Frederick, "'you would have 
done that better at Berlin; there are certainly 
not chairs enough at Potsdam." 



He Turned the Tables 

Frederick the Great was passionately fond of 
playing the flute. One of his teachers for 
years, was J. Quantz, the famous flutist, who 
was also well known for his quick, witty an- 
swers. One evening after the usual concert, 
the king was conversing with his intimates, 
when Quantz made the remark that nothing 
could upset him, no matter how great the sur- 
prise. Frederick turned to him and said, 
laughing : 

" Quantz, Quantz, you shall prove that to 
me," to which Quantz replied with dignity : 

" Your Majesty, I am ready for any test." 

A few days afterwards, Quantz was to play a 
solo on his flute, during the evening concert. 
On going to his desk, he found on his music 
a large sheet of paper on which was written : 
" Quantz is an ass ! Frederick II." 

Not in the least disturbed, Quantz quietly 
folded the paper and was going to put it into his 



196 German IKUtt anfc Ibumot 

pocket, when the King who had been watching 
him, cried : 

"Here, Quantz, what are you hiding there? 
Let me see what it is ! " 

" Your Majesty/ 1 replied the former, "some 
one has been trying to have a poor joke at my 
expense. It is not worth taking notice of." 

" Well," said Frederick, apparently surprised, 
"you must read it, Quantz; you ought to let 
me hear what has been written to you ! M 

Quantz bowed, and unfolding the paper, 
said : 

" If your Majesty wishes it, I cannot refuse." 
Then, sharply accenting each word, he read 
aloud: "Johann Quantz is an ass ; Frederick 
the second /" 

Everybody grew pale; some grasped their 
swords, but the King went smiling up to Quantz, 
patted him on the shoulder and said : 

"Well done, Quantz, but another time you 
must not be quite so rude ; do you hear ? " 



A Chronic Cough 

At all the evening concerts, the King played the 
flute. Once he played a new composition of his 
own, which contained a faulty passage. Quantz, 
on hearing it, coughed significantly. Frederick 



©etman 'Mit anfc Ibumor 197 

understood the meaning of it, but said nothing. 
The next day he asked one of the other musicians 
his opinion of the passage. The latter pointed 
out the mistake. The King corrected it at 
once, saying : 

"We must not let Quantz get a chronic 
cough.' ' 



No Relation 

After one of the victorious battles of the seven 
years' war, Frederick the Great gave orders that 
a young cornet, whose bravery he had had oc- 
casion to witness himself, be brought to him. 

" What is your name? " the monarch asked 
the young man. 

"Von Stira Stora Stazameda, your Majesty, " 
was the answer. 

" What, sir," cried the King, indignant at a 
name so hard to remember, "why, the devil 
isn't called that!" 

" He is no relative of mine, either, your 
Majesty," was the impudent cornet's prompt 
answer. 

The King smiled, and said : 

* ' I am very glad to hear it, Lieutenant von 
Stira Stora Stazarneda," and with a wave of 
his hand, dismissed him. 



198 ©erman WM an& f>um<x 

Plenty of Company 
The Prussian Ambassador at the Court of 
England, wrote to Frederick the Great that his 
salary being insufficient, he would be compelled 
to sell his carriage and go to Court on foot. 
The King answered laconically: "You can 
just walk ; it won't hurt you. If anybody 
makes a remark about it, you can tell them you 
are my ambassador, and 300,000 men are walk- 
ing behind you." 

No Suggestions Wanted 

From the beginning of the War of Independ- 
ence (1813-14, against Napoleon I) Field-Mar- 
shal Prince Bliicher urged the allied powers to 
go forward (hence his name, Marshal Vorwarts) 
and thus created more confusion among them 
than among the enemy. But the old soldier 
did not pay the slightest attention to that. 
Once when he received a dispatch to turn back 
with his army he growled : 

" Those diplomatic fool tricks and this scrib- 
bling of notes will have to be stopped. I shall 
direct this campaign without notes." 

Cobblers Lacking 
Once, while trying to ascertain the enemy's 



©erman Idtt anfc Ibumor 199 

whereabouts, a bullet struck Prince Bliicher's 
foot, but fortunately tore only his boot. 

"That's bad enough," joked Bliicher, "we 
have a good many more doctors than cobblers 
with us." 

Deserved a Title 

When presented with a Doctor's degree at 
Oxford, Bliicher said : 

" Well, now, you ought to make Gneisenau 
at least a druggist, for he made my pills." 



The Two Moves 

After a hard day, Bliicher was taking a few 
hours' rest. An Adjutant wakened him to re- 
port : " The enemy has made a move ! " 

"Well," cried the Prince, "then report to 
the enemy that I made one too ! " and with this 
he turned over on his other side. 



Another Victory 
Bliicher was a great lover of music. His 
favorite pieces electrified him as often as he 
heard them, but of them all Mozart's "Magic 
Flute ' ' took first place. While the allies were at 
Aachen, Angelica Catalani, the famous singer, 



200 German TOit anfc Dumot 

aroused everybody's enthusiasm. The Emperor 
Alexander of Russia stood at the head of her 
admirers, but her acknowledged favorite was the 
aged Marshal Vor warts. 

One evening Catalani sang at a large re- 
ception and one of her songs was Papageno's 
"Ring, Little Bell, Ring." Blucher was de- 
lighted, and asked her to sing another of Papa- 
geno's songs, but the singer, greatly embar- 
rassed, had to confess that she knew no other. 

"I can teach you," said Blucher; "I know 
every aria in the ' Magic Flute.' " 

" What," cried Emperor Alexander, " Blucher 
can sing too ? You must give us a song then ! " 

The old soldier stood up and began in his 
rough voice, dreadfully out of tune, but still 
recognizable : " The Bird Catcher I Am." 

Emperor Francis listened with visible emotion, 
the dignified King of Prussia smiled quietly to 
himself, while Emperor Alexander laughed as 
hard as he could and started a vigorous ap- 
plause. Blucher, encouraged, sang again, and 
wound up with " Bacchus is a Brave Man." 
The last number created such a storm of ap- 
plause that Catalani said jokingly : 

"I can't compete with old Blucher; he has 
beaten me, too ; he received more applause than 
I did." 



German limit and Ibumoc 201 

Portraits of His Ancestors 

When Field-Marshal Wrangel was Com- 
mander-General of Stettin, he sent for the 
painter, Most, and gave him an order to paint 
several portraits of his ancestors for his dining- 
room. The painter asked if the General had 
some pictures to copy from. 

" That isn't necessary," said Wrangel; "just 
make them look somewhat like me, and dress 
them correctly. Nobody knew them personally 
anyhow." 

Poor Shots 

Wrangel generally rode a white horse, a fact 
which the enemy soon noticed. When the 
officers of his suite drew his attention to it and 
asked him to ride another horse, to be less ex- 
posed to danger, he answered with his customary 
calmness : 

" Why shouldn't I ride a white horse, gentle- 
men ? They shoot at me, but they hit you." 

Could Not Whistle For Laughing 

Wrangel was once walking with the Crown 
Prince, later Emperor Frederick, " unter den 
Linden" in Berlin, when they met a shoemak- 
er's apprentice merrily whistling. As they came 



202 ©erman TKHit anfc Dumoc 

near, he stopped, grinned all over his face, and 
pulled off his cap. 

"Now your Royal Highness can see what 
fine fellows these boys are," said Wrangel ; 
" they are all delighted to see a member of the 
Royal Family/ ' 

"Wrangel," cried the Crown Prince, laugh- 
ing, "you just ask that boy, why he stopped 
whistling." 

"Say, sonny," called Wrangel, "why did 
you stop whistling? " 

" When I see you, I have to laugh, so I can't 
whistle," was the reply. The answer pleased 
the Crown Prince immensely. 

Under the Weather Vane 

When Wrangel returned from the war with 
Holstein, he ordered a weather-vane for the 
roof of his palace, just like one he had seen 
during the campaign, an Uhlan with his lance 
at rest. 

" But he must turn whichever way the wind 
blows, like any other well-regulated weather- 
vane," said Wrangel, "or I shan't pay for it." 

The Uhlan was made, put on the roof and 
the General was informed of it. Well pleased, 
Wrangel went to the window. 

"Why I can't see him, you swindler 1" 



German Mtt an& l)umoc 203 

• But your Excellency ' ' 



" Oh, pshaw, there are dozens of Excellencies. 
I am General-Field-Marshal." 

"But Herr General-Field-Marshal; you can- 
not see the weather-vane on the roof, while you 
are under it." 

"Yes, yes, that is true; but what good is 
the weather-vane to me, if I can't see it? " 

After thinking it over for some time, Wrangel 
stated the case to the French Ambassador across 
the street, who was perfectly willing to have the 
Uhlan put on the roof of his house. Now 
Wrangel could see the Uhlan from his room, 
and always knew which way the wind blew. 
Could he possibly have known, what he did, 
when he put the Uhlan on the Frenchman's 
roof? 



An Unfortunate Remark 

An officer came to report to Papa Wrangel, 
as he was often called. The General noticed 
that the officer's spurs were not those prescribed 
by regulations. He took him to task about it, 
and gave him twenty-four hours house-arrest. 
The officer seeing that Wrangel wore the same 
spurs, made a remark about it. 
- "Very well, my son," said the General, 



204 ©erman IKHit anfc Ibumor 

" then you stay another twenty-four hours icf 
me. 



A Profitable Call 

King Frederick William III was in the habit 
of coming to the Queen's sitting-room every 
morning, to breakfast with her, preferably on 
some fresh fruit. One morning, he saw on her 
work-table a pretty new lace cap. Smiling, he 
asked the price of it. 

"It is not necessary," replied the Queen 
merrily, " that the men should know what 
women's finery costs; they don't understand, 
and think everything is too dear." 

"But you can tell me what the cap cost. I 
should like to know ! " 

"Oh, yes; I chose a cheap one; it was only 
four thalers." 

"Only? Why that's a lot of money for a 
thing like that! " 

The king, standing by the window, kept on 
teasing her, until an invalid soldier of his guard 
passed by. The King called him into the room. 
He had hardly entered when the King said to 
him: 

"The lady on the sofa there has a lot of 
money. What do you think, old comrade, she 



German TKMt atrt> Ibumor 205 

gave for that cap on the table? Now don't let 
the pretty pink ribbon dazzle you ! " 

The old fellow, inexperienced in such things, 
said : 

" Well, it may have cost a few groschen." 

" There, do you hear that?" laughed the 
King. " Oh, yes \ groschen. She paid four 
thalers for it ! Now you go over there and let 
the beautiful lady give you as much." 

Looking at the King, she quickly opened her 
purse and put four thalers into the old soldier's 
hand. "But," she added with a mischievous 
smile, "the gentleman at the window has much 
more money than I. All I have I owe to him, 
and he loves to give. Just go over and let him 
give you double the amount.' ' The lucky vet- 
eran departed, delighted with his morning call. 



Dislike of Formality 

Frederick William III was not fond of the 
extremely formal court etiquette prevailing at 
the time. Even as Crown Prince, he gave 
numerous proofs of his dislike of the stiff for- 
malities which prevented an intimate family life. 
Once the mistress of ceremonies, Frau von Voss, 
reproved him for speaking of the Queen as 
" my wife " instead of saying " her Royal High- 



206 German Wit anfc Ibumor 

ness, the Crown Princess." The King promis- 
ing to reform said : 

"Now, my dear Voss, announce me to her 
Royal Highness the Crown Princess, and ask if 
I may have the honor to speak to her Royal 
Highness." 

The mistress of ceremonies went to fulfil his 
command, walking with the slow, dignified, 
solemn step which etiquette prescribed. When 
she entered the Queen's apartment, the King, 
who was already there, sitting arm in arm with 
his " Louise," called to the horrified lady : 

" Why my dear Voss, her Royal Highness, 
the Crown Princess, is not to be seen for an 
hour, and I mean to spend that time with ' my 
wife.' " 

Too Much Work 

Queen Louise, the mother of Emperor 
William I, was once told that her sons ate 
their fruit with too much haste. The Queen at 
once gave the order that every piece of fruit for 
the Princes' breakfast -table should be wrapped 
in thirty pieces of paper. The unwrapping 
proved a sure remedy against their eating too 
fast. Emperor William I often recalled this 
rule saying jokingly : 

" From my youth up, nothing was ever made 



German Wit and Dumor 207 

easy for me. Even to get a rosy-cheeked apple 
was considerable work." 



Too Hungry for Speeches 
Frederick William IV, later Emperor William 
I, never liked to listen to long speeches when 
he was received into a city. One day, after 
having traveled for many hours in a post-chaise, 
he reached the gates of a small town about 
noon, tired and hungry. Here the King was 
received by the officials, and the burgomaster 
began a long-winded speech with : 

" Most high and most gracious King ! When 
Hannibal stood before the gates of Car- 
thage " 

" He was probably as hungry as I am. 
Come, my dear burgomaster, get into my car- 
riage and be my guest." 

Too Much for Him 

On a certain occasion when Frederick Wil- 
liam IV had reached a small town, the burgo- 
master began his speech : 

"Five thousand citizens M (here he 

stopped). "Five thousand citizens " (he 

began again). " Five thousand citizens -" 

(No, he couldn't do it.) 



208 ©erman TWltt an^ Ibumot 

" Please greet your five thousand citizens for 
me," the King interrupted him now, "but each 
one separately ! " and drove on. 

Through Thick and Thin 
King Frederick William IV was always 
a most gay and amiable host. Once at a 
ball he stood in the ball-room talking to a very 
tall and very slender gentleman. Suddenly, an 
officer of the hussars, in the whirl of the dance, 
chased with his partner right between the two. 
The officer frightened to death, stops at once 
and excuses himself. 

"Never mind,'' said the King, laughing; 
"don't excuse yourself; a hussar must neces- 
sarily go through thick and thin.' 1 

He Helped the Donkey 

One day, while Frederick William IV was 
taking a walk at an early morning hour, he 
noticed from a distance, a woman, who was 
beating the donkey drawing her milkcart. He 
went near and asked the cause of her violence. 
With tears in her eyes the woman said : 

"Oh, dear, I am in a great hurry, and this 
stupid donkey won't go. If I don't get to 
Potsdam at the usual time, I'll lose all my 



German IKait and f)umor 20& 

customers. I know his tricks. If I only had 
somebody who would take him by the ears, 
while I beat him from behind — he would go all 
right." 

The King soberly grabbed the donkey by his 
ears, the woman did her part, and the donkey 
began to trot, while his owner thanked her un- 
known helper heartily. 

At home the King told his wife of the service 
he had rendered. The Queen did not approve 
of the proceeding, and said : 

" As Crown Prince, my dear Fritz, you 
might have done that, but as King " 

" My dear child," interrupted the smiling 
monarch, " my sainted father helped many a 
donkey along. ' ' 



Changed His Order 

The livery-stable-keeper, Faber, of Magde- 
burg, who had been very patriotic and generous 
during the war with France, asked permission 
to drive Emperor William on his first visit 
to Magdeburg after the war, in a carriage he 
had built for the purpose. Permission was 
granted, and he was rewarded with an order of 
the fourth class. When the Emperor went to 
Magdeburg the next time, Faber drove him 



210 ©erman TKHit and Ibumoc 

again, but this time standing. "Why do you 
drive standing, Faber?" asked the Emperor. 

" The fourth-class always does, your Maj- 
esty; they ride standing" (in a railway train), 
replied Faber, pointing at his order. The 
Emperor laughed heartily, and Faber received 
an order of the third class. 

His Early Reign 

In 1878, while Emperor William was recover- 
ing from the wound made by Nobiling in his 
murderous attack, Crown Prince Frederick 
transacted all business of state. After the first 
few days of pain and excitement were over, and 
as the Emperor grew stronger, his gay humor 
returned. 

One morning as the Crown Prince came 
in to see him, the Emperor, extending his 
sound hand asked : 

"Well, dear Fritz, have you reigned already 
this morning ? " 

Too Much Game 

Once after a hunt, the Emperor was told that 
he had killed twenty-eight pieces of game. He 
looked surprised and said gaily : 

"This reminds me of the words: < There 



German WLit anD Ibumor 211 

are things happening between heaven and earth 
of which man has no conception/ for it cer- 
tainly is wonderful that I killed twenty-eight 
pieces of game, when I shot off only twenty-five 
cartridges ! ' ' 



The Greater Lion 

One summer morning, in 1874, while Em- 
peror William I was taking the water cure at 
Ems, the following humorous incident happened. 
He and Emperor Alexander II had as usual taken 
their morning walk together, and then seated 
themselves on a bench of the promenade near 
the Trinkhalle. The chance of getting a good 
look at the two rulers was not to be lost by the 
summer guests, and soon a crowd was walking 
up and down in front of their bench. The 
Czar who did not like to be stared at, made an 
impatient remark about it, when Emperor Wil- 
liam, pointing to Bismarck who was just passing 
and bowing respectfully, said : 

" Now we shall have peace ! " 

"Why so? " asked the Czar, surprised. 

"Why?" returned the Emperor, "because 
there goes Bismarck ; he is more famous than we 
are / The people will run after him now and 
give us a rest. " 



312 German WLit and Ibumot 

At His Expense 

After recuperating for some weeks at Berch- 
tesgaden, in the Austrian Alps, during the sum- 
mer of 1886, Prince William, the present Em- 
peror of Germany, accompanied by the Princess, 
went to Salzburg to meet their royal grandfather. 
The aged monarch asked the Princess how she 
had enjoyed herself. 

" Oh very much indeed/ ' she said, "only at 
times I was dreadfully homesick. I do so long 
to see my children." 

The Emperor asked, smilingly : 

"But why didn't you bring your little ones 
with you; the mountain air would have been 
splendid for them." 

" Yes, but grandpapa, it would have cost too 
much 1 " 

The Emperor nodded assent: "You are 
right; three little Princes do cost a good 
deal." 

When the royal family met for a late supper, 
the Emperor handed a telegram to his grand- 
daughter. She looked at it, scarcely able to 
•comprehend the contents, until the old gentle- 
man said with a kindly smile : 

" No need to keep you in suspense 
The children are coming — at my expense." 



©etman TOUt and fnimoc 213 

The Emperor's Thoughtfulness 

While the Emperor and Empress were at Ems, 
Count von Gneisenau, a son of the famous gen- 
eral of that name, was often asked to dine at the 
royal table. It was his habit always to decline 
the after-dinner coffee. One day he had again 
been a guest at dinner. A lackey offered him a 
cup of coffee. The Count declined, without in- 
terrupting his conversation with the Empress. 
A second time a cup was offered to him, and be- 
fore he could decline again, the Empress said : 
"Do take that cup!' ' 

The Count obeyed, but held the cup in his 
hand. The Emperor coming up to them re- 
marked : " Why, Gneisenau, you are not drink- 
ing your coffee! " 

The Count murmured a few words of excuse. 
" Well, you might at least look at the cup ! " 

Gneisenau did so. Tears of emotion dimmed 
his eyes. On the cup was the portrait of his 
father. With a benevolent smile, the Emperor 
said : 

"I saw that cup this morning in one of the 
stalls of the promenade and bought it for you ! 
You must always drink out of it." 

Socks with Knots 
The little Princess Feodora, of Sachsen-Mein- 



214 ©etman Wiit anfc Ibumot 

ingen, a great-granddaughter of Emperor Wil- 
liam I, was learning to knit, and the first thing 
she wanted to do was to knit a pair of warm 
socks for her beloved great-grandpapa at Berlin. 
In a few weeks the task was accomplished and 
the gift sent off. It pleased the Emperor so 
much that he insisted on putting the socks on 
at once. 

During the evening it was noticed that his 
face looked drawn, as if he was in pain ; but on 
being asked if he was ill, he said smilingly : 

* * Do not worry, I am all right ; but Feodora 
has made such a lot of immense hard knots in 
her socks, that I feel as if I were screwed into 
one of the old instruments of the inquisition ! ' ' 

A Cause for Thankfulness 
A general once asked the Emperor for a de- 
tachment of cavalry, for service at the capital of 
his province. Laughing, the Emperor said : 

" My dear general, you will have to ask that 
man," pointing towards Moltke ; " he alone dis- 
poses of our army. I must be thankful if he 
leaves me my guards ! " 

Equal to the Occasion 

The Emperor was an enthusiastic sportsman'. 



©erman TOit an& Ibumor 215 

One day, while on a hunt with a number of royal 
guests, he grew tired, and decided to go home 
quietly. Two of his guests, noticing this, accom- 
panied him. They had walked along the road 
some distance when a farmer with his wagon 
overtook them. One of the gentlemen asked 
him to take them along for a consideration. 
The farmer consented and the three climbed into 
the farm-wagon. 

Curiosity soon got the better of the country- 
man, and turning to one of the gentlemen, he 
asked : 

" And who might you be? " 
" I am the Grand Duke of Mecklenburg." 
6 ' May the ! ' ' cried the farmer, laugh- 
ing; and turning to the second gentleman, he 
asked < ' and who are you ? ' ' 

"I," replied he, " am the King of Saxony ! " 
"Why, this is getting better," cried the 
amused farmer. Finally he turned to the third 
gunner with : 

" Well, and who are you ? " 
6 ' I am William, Emperor of Germany ! ' ' 
< ( Well, this beats all ! " said the country- 
man, partly amused, partly indignant, "but I 
should certainly not have thought that such old 
dignified gentlemen would find pleasure in fool- 
ing the likes of me ! So that you may know 



216 German TOit and *umor 

who is driving you, I'll introduce myself: I, I 
am the Shah of Persia ! " 

The shouts of laughter at this sally made the 
gentlemen forget their fatigue. 

The Day's Expenses 

While Crown Prince Rudolph of Austria was 
on his last visit to Emperor William at the 
shooting-lodge, Letzlingen, the two, with four 
other royal gunners, were playing a game of 
billiards at fifty pfennig, about eleven cents, 
each. 

The Emperor won, and soon after retired, but 
returned again to give some directions about the 
next day's hunt. The gentlemen were still 
playing. 

" What is this game you are playing? V asked 
the Emperor. 

"Oh, a child's game, your Majesty, called 
' Meine Tante, deine TanteJ my aunt, your 
aunt, or * Naschi- Waschi* " 

"I can play that," said the Emperor, and 
staked the thaler he had just won, and won an- 
other. Smiling, the Emperor put the money in 
his vest pocket when one of the gentlemen re- 
marked : "Your Majesty might try it again," 
but he replied, " No, thank you, this just covers 
to-day's expenses," and retired again. 



German mil anD Ibumor 217 

Contents of the Drawer 

While visiting the Victoria-Bazaar, the Em- 
peror asked one of the ladies, just to please her, 
to explain the construction of the sewing- 
machine to him and the Empress, who was with 
him. After other questions he asked for what 
the little drawer was used. " To keep the small 
utensils belonging to the machine in, ' ' answered 
the young lady, somewhat embarrassed. The 
Emperor expected that she would pull the little 
drawer out, but when she did not do so, he con- 
cluded correctly, that the contents were not as 
they should be. With a gay " With your per- 
mission ?" he pulled the drawer out and saw 
an appetizing sandwich reposing there. Smil- 
ingly the Emperor asked the young lady : 

"Does this utensil belong to the machine 
too?" 

Quickly the lady replied: "Yes, your Maj- 
esty, to the machine of the human body." 

Greatly pleased with this witty remark, the 
Emperor turned to the Empress, saying : " This 
proves that sewing-machines do not dull the 
working of the brain." 

That Was Different 
After Emperor William had recovered from 
a severe illness in the spring of 1885, his physi- 



218 <3erman limit anD fl>umot 

cians would not give their consent to his attend- 
ing the coming manoeuvres on horseback. They 
feared the great exertion would be too much 
for the aged monarch, who was then eighty- 
eight years old, and proposed that he should re- 
view them in a carriage. 

" Impossible/ ' said the Emperor ; " there is 
nothing more unsoldierly ! " 

"But your Majesty/' a General ventured to 
say, "even Frederick the Great attended ma- 
noeuvres in a carriage." 

" Oh, yes," replied the aged monarch, " but 
he only did so during the last years of his 
life" 

Coffee Instead of Water 

While traveling in cold weather one time, the 
Empress Augusta stopped at Dessau to have 
the hot bottle for her feet replenished. The 
Adjutant and a lackey with the bottle, hurried 
into the restaurant to ask for hot water. The 
attendant had just used the last of it to make 
coffee, and after running around in great con- 
fusion he declared : 

" I am very sorry, but there is not a drop of 
hot water." 

" What," called a gentleman standing at the 
buffet, "you have no hot water?" and in- 



(Berman TKHit anD Ibumor 21& 

stantly seizing the full coffee-pot he poured the 
boiling contents into the warming bottle, and 
the guests had to do without coffee for break- 
fast. 

The Adjutant hurried out with his prey, but 
soon returned to ask, in her Majesty's behalf, 
the name of the inventor of the brilliant idea. 

" My name is Cohn," said he. He was after- 
wards for a long time Emperor William's private 
banker. 

Had No Use For It 

A sly dry goods merchant once sent to Em- 
peror William a magnificent silk lounging gown,, 
thinking that that would bring him the custom 
of the Court. The Emperor however sent the 
gown back with the laconical words: " The 
Hohenzollerns do not wear lounging gowns." 

Made For the Boys 
One day the Crown Prince Frederick William, 
later Emperor Frederick, was walking alone 
in the streets of Berlin. Suddenly an old Jew 
accosted him with the question: "Any old 
clothes? " The Crown Prince did not see him 
at first. "Any old clothes, any old clothes ?." 
the Jew, who did not know whom he was pester- 
ing, kept calling. 



220 ©erman Wit an& ttumot 

At last the Crown Prince stood still, looked 
at the Jew astonished, but asked pleasantly: 
"What is it you wish?" The dealer in old 
clothes scraped a bow and said: "Have you 
any old clothes to sell?" At this the Crown 
Prince laughed outright and answered: "My 
good friend, I have a large family, and there 
are no old clothes ; when I am done with any- 
thing, it is made over for the boys." 

A Change of Methods 

While the Crown Prince Frederick William 
was dedicating a chapel of the University at 
Halle, he noticed among the students drawn up 
in line, one whose face was a mass of scars. 
Turning to Dr. Volkman, the well-known 
surgeon, he said, jovially : " That head gave 
you a lot of mending to do ! " 

"Ah, your Royal Highness/' answered the 
man of science, " that sort of thing we sew only 
by machine now ! ' ' 

Presented With a Leg 
In honor of the presence of a number of 
crowned heads, who were taking the waters, a 
gala performance was to be given at the theatre 
of Hamburg. The first to appear in the royal 
box was the Grandduke of Hesse, with two 



©erman TOit an& Ibumot 221 

Princesses. He took a chair and sat down be- 
tween them, when the chair broke to pieces and 
his Royal Highness found himself sitting upon 
the floor. The accident created great merri- 
ment both in the royal box and among the 
audience. 

Soon after, the Crown Prince Frederick Wil- 
liam appeared in the box, and when told of the 
mishap, laughed heartily and took pains to 
throw himself heavily into his chair, but it held 
together. Finally the Prince of Wales, now 
King Edward, appeared. The Crown Prince at 
once presented to him the leg of the chair with 
the most comical solemnity. 

Followed Instructions 

When Emperor William and the Crown 
Prince visited Erfurt after the war with France, 
the youths of the city enthusiastically greeted 
the latter, whom they adored. The Crown 
Prince leaning from his carriage called out: 
"Boys, in the carriage behind is Moltke ; 
scream for all you are worth ! ' ' 

And the boys certainly did it. 

Without Success 
One evening Alfred Griinfeld, the piano 
virtuoso, was playing before the Crown Prince 



222 German TKIUt anfc Ibumot 

and Crown Princess. After the performance 
the Crown Prince patted Griinfeld's shoulder 
saying, "Do you know, my friend, that we are, 
in a sense, colleagues? " Griinfeld bowed, but 
had to acknowledge that he really did not know 
how he came to the honor of being a colleague 
of his Royal Highness. 

"Well, I will tell you/' said the Crown 
Prince. "I was, like yourself, a pupil of 
Kullak's, but — now you must not give this 
away — the good Kullak wanted to make some- 
thing of me, as he did of you, and he didn't 
succeed.' ' 

No Speeches, Please 
While inspecting St. George's Church, in 
Nordlingen, the Crown Prince praised the 
splendor and size of it. He was told that the 
Catholic Church in Dinkelsbuhl was even larger 
and more beautiful, and he decided to visit that 
also. The burgomaster at Dinkelsbuhl was 
notified by a telegram, so the city fathers 
awaited the Crown Prince. When he arrived, 
the burgomaster advanced to make a speech, 
but the Crown Prince declined to listen, saying : 
" Let me tell you something ; we two will make 
a compact. You promise not to say anything, 
and I'll do the same." 



(Berman TOft anfc tumor 223 

Obedience to Rules 
The Crown Prince, while in Dresden, visited 
the Johaneum, the famous collection of arms. 
Talking and smoking he walked about, when 
suddenly he noticed a sign : " Smoking strictly 
forbidden." At once he took his costly Ha- 
vana from his lips, put it into a boy's mouth 
saying : " There, you finish it, I must obey the 
rules." 



Sausage as a Remedy 

While studying at the University of Got- 
tingen, Bismarck was taken ill one day. The 
doctor was sent for and ordered quinine. Soon 
after he had left, a big box of "eatables" 
arrived from home. Bismarck went at it, con- 
sumed about two pounds of sausage, washed 
down with several glasses of beer, and then 
went to sleep. The fever left him. 

Next day when the doctor came he said : 
" Thank heaven, dear doctor, the fever is 
gone." 

"Yes," replied the doctor, "quinine is a 
most excellent remedy." 

"Well it wasn't exactly this time, you best of 
doctors, but two pounds of sausage had the 
same effect, and nature may do the rest. ,, 



224 (Berman Tlfilit and Ibumoc 

To Suit All Parties 
When the new two-mark piece was issued, a 
number proposed to call it Bis-mark, bis being 
the Latin for twice. The National Liberals 
would then have Bismarck in their pockets, the 
Socialists would see him beaten, the Ultramon- 
tanes could get him changed whenever they 
liked, and to the Government, the formation of 
a Bismarck party, would insure the most wide- 
spread influence. 



He Rose 

Prince Bismarck and Count Kleist-Retzow, 
friends and related to each other, accepted an 
invitation to a hunt of several days. The first 
day the two followed the noble sport with great 
zest. When they returned in the evening, 
Kleist-Retzow was so very much fatigued that 
he told Bismarck that he would not rise at 
seven the following morning to continue the 
hunt. While talking gaily over their wine, 
Bismarck said that he would take care that 
he got out of his bed whether he liked it or not. 
After they had retired, the Count locked and 
barricaded his door against Bismarck's attack 
the next morning, and then went to bed. But 
once more Bismarck's voice came from the 



<3erman TOtt anD Ibumor 225 

next room admonishing his friend to be sure 
and rise in good time. 

"Keep quiet ; I want to go to sleep," re- 
plied Kleist-Retzow. 

" Yes, and you'll get up when I want you to, 
I'll give you my word for that," returned Bis- 
marck, and then went to sleep himself. At 
half-past six in the morning, the Chancellor 
knocked at Kleist-Retzow' s door and as it was 
not opened, he called to him to get up. The 
Count had not the slightest intention of doing 
so, and Bismarck assured him again that he 
would be out of his bed by seven. Kleist- 
Retzow lay still and paid no attention to him. 
Bismarck took his shotgun, went into the yard, 
stood before the window of his friend's bed- 
room and shot through it into the ceiling, so 
that the plaster fell down upon the Count's 
head. Kleist-Retzow, very much frightened, 
jumped up at once and went to the window to 
see what had happened. Seeing nobody, he 
quickly put on his clothes and hurried down -stairs. 
Bismarck came to- meet him, greeted him, and 
without changing a muscle, said : "I hope you 
have rested well ; it is just seven o'clock ! " 

A Novel Signal 
In 1 87 1, while Bismarck, as Ambassador of 



226 ©erman TKttit anfc Ibumor 

the Confederation, lived at Frankfort, he occu- 
pied rooms in a private house. There was no 
bell in his study with which to call his valet 
from his room on the floor above, so he re- 
quested his landlord to have one put in. That 
gentleman, who was not a friend of "that Prus- 
sian," declined to do so, saying, that his 
tenants always had done things of that sort at 
their own expense, and he didn't see why he 
should make an exception now. 

Some time later in the day a pistol-shot rang 
through the house. Very much frightened, the 
landlord ran through all the rooms until he 
came to Bismarck's study, where the still smok- 
ing pistol lay on the table, and the smoking 
Bismarck sat quietly at work. 

"For heaven's sake, what has happened?" 
cried the landlord. 

" Nothing at all," said Bismarck, "that you 
need worry about. I just signaled to my valet 
that I want him. It is a perfectly harmless 
signal. I hope you will soon get used to it." 

It is hardly necessary to add that Bismarck 
got his bell in short order. 



Despatch Sending Without Suspicion 
One day, while the peace negotiations were 



(Berman TOtt anD Ibumot 227 

in progress, the representative from Hanover 
asked Bismarck how he managed to get his 
despatches through the mails unopened. Bis- 
marck, for answer, asked him to take a walk 
with him. He took him to the poor district of 
Frankfort, to a narrow street where only small 
stores were to be found. Arrived before a 
little grocery, Bismarck, to his companion's 
surprise, put on gloves and then entered the 
store. His first question to the clerk was : 
' l Do you keep soap ? ' ' 

"Yes sir/ 1 

"What kinds?" 

The clerk put several kinds before Bismarck, 
from which the latter selected a particularly 
strong-smelling-piece, and put it in his pocket. 
Then he asked for envelopes and was shown 
some of the very cheapest kind. Now Bis- 
marck took a despatch from his inside coat- 
pocket, put it into one of the envelopes, fastened 
it, and asked for pen and ink and began to 
write the address. But of course with gloves 
he could not do it, so he asked the clerk to do 
it for him. Then he put the envelope with the 
despatch into the same pocket with the soap. 
When they were on the street again Bismarck 
said to his companion : " Now, I defy them to 
smell my despatch under a perfume composed 



228 ©erman TKHtt an& Dumor 

of soap, herring, and cheese, and an address 
written in such a hand." 

The Overburdened Horse 

Prince Bismarck was suffering from great 
nervousness at one time, and was obliged to 
stop smoking and drinking wine altogether for 
some weeks. When he complained to Em- 
peror William about it, his Majesty said : 

" There you see the difference between us. I 
am ever so much older than you, but I enjoy 
my cigar, can take a glass of wine, and am 
very well with it all." 

"Oh yes, your Majesty, that is an old 
story,' ' returned the Chancellor; " the rider al- 
ways has it easier than the horse.' ' 

Without Intent 

Lord Russell, the English ambassador at the 
German court, called one day on Prince Bis- 
marck at the palace of the latter, in Berlin. 
During conversation, Lord Russell remarked, that 
a man in the Chancellor's position must be both- 
ered with a great many troublesome callers. 

"God knows how true that is," sighed the 
Prince. 

" But you certainly have some remedy or 
other to get rid of such people quickly?" 



©erman WHit anfc Ibumor 229 

"Oh certainly," laughed Bismarck, "one of 
my best is, that my wife comes in to call me 
away on some pretext or other. Of course the 
caller can't remain after that." 

These words were hardly uttered, when the 
Princess entered, and said in the most harmless 
way: "Otto, it is time to take your medicine; 
do not forget it." 

Lord Russell broke into a ringing laugh and 
took his leave at once. 

A Monotonous Diet 
The following humorous story was first pub- 
lished in the Leipsic Tageblatt. One day, dur- 
ing the siege of Paris, Count Lehndorff, the 
Aide-de-Camp, visited Captain von Strantz, at 
Ville d'Avray, an outpost near Paris. In reply 
to the Count's question, how he was getting on, 
the Captain said : " Oh quite well ; I have just 
been dining for the sixty-seventh time off roast 
mutton." The Count laughed and rode on. 
Next day an orderly called on the Captain with 
the following message : "It having come to the 
ears of Count Bismarck, Chancellor of the Con- 
federation, that Captain von Strantz would 
doubtless be dining off his sixty-eighth joint of 
mutton to-day, his Excellency sends him here- 
with four ducks as a change of diet." 



230 German WLH and fnimot 

They Danced to His Music 
In May, 1891, a curious circumstance which, 
having occurred just before Bismarck's fall, 
might have indicated to him how slippery was 
the ground on which he trod. He went one 
day to see the Emperor, who was busy, and who 
sent word that he would see the Chancellor pres- 
ently. Ere long the royal children came in, 
and insisted upon his dancing with them. 
"No," said Bismarck, "I am too old to dance 
with you." " Then you must play," they said. 
He accordingly sat down to the piano. Pretty 
soon the Emperor came 'in, and, finding him 
thus engaged said : " So, here is the fourth gen- 
eration of the Hohenzollerns, which has to dance 
to your playing." 

The Better Cigar 

Bismarck once gave to some friends the fol- 
lowing droll account of Count Moltke. 

"When a declaration of war is floating in the 
air," the Chancellor said, "even Moltke gets 
talkative, and when we were in for it in 1870, he 
grew ten years younger in a day. Before, taci- 
turn and cross, he now chatted pleasantly, got 
an appetite for champagne and heavy cigars, and 
lost the last remnant of gout that he had ac- 
quired while resting on laurels that had grown 



©erman WLit anfc f>umot 231 

old. But at any rate, the famous old General is 
a comforting example for all enthusiastic smok- 
ers. He shows how healthy smoking is, and 
that one can grow old doing it. He showed his 
fondness for a good cigar even in the battle of 
Koniggratz. 

" On that memorable day in July, 1866, when 
victory and defeat hung for hours in the balance, 
I was filled with disquietude and apprehension. 
I rode up to Moltke, who sat on his horse like a 
statue, following every movement of the battle. 
To talk to him was impossible ; but I had in my 
case two cigars left, a good one and a bad one. 
Without a word I offered the case to Moltke, 
and without a word he took it, examined the 
two cigars and selected the good one. This 
was enough encouragement for me, for I said to 
myself, if the General can so calmly select the 
better cigar, our chances must be good." 



His Winter Wheat 

Directly after the declaration of war, in 1870, 
an old friend met Count Moltke on the street, 
and remarked : 

"You must be overburdened with work just 
now ! " 

"Oh no," was the cold-blooded answer, " the 



232 (Berman TKHit anfc Ibumor 

work was all done beforehand. All orders are 
issued, and I have really nothing to do ! " 

A few minutes later, he met a merchant, with 
whom he had done business at Kreisau, who 
asked him anxiously about the outlook. * ' Well, ' ' 
said the old Field-Marshal in his mildest tone, 
" I am quite content ; my barley crop, it is true, 
was only middling, but my crop of winter wheat 
promises to be immense and that, as you know, 
is the main thing." 

Looked Like One of Them 

Once, while Moltke was at Ragaz for his 
health, he walked alone through the woods to 
the village Pfafers. It was very warm and he 
was thirsty, so he went into the village inn and 
asked for a drink. The host sat down by him 
and began : 

" I suppose you are a guest at Ragaz ? " 

"Yes." 

" They say Moltke is there too ! " 

"Yes." 

" How does he look? " 

"Well, how should he look? Just like one 
of us two." 

Wig Instead of Handkerchief 
It was at Meaux, the night before the siege of 



<5erman TOtt anO Ibumor 233 

Paris began. All the Chiefs and Generals of the 
different divisions of the army, were assembled 
in the Field-Marshal's quarters, discussing plans 
and studying maps and charts. It was two 
o'clock in the morning ; a big fire was burning 
in the grate; the room was intensely warm. 

Moltke, so one of the officers tells us, was in a 
long dressing gown, without his wig, was walk- 
ing up and down, deeply engrossed in thought. 
The heat made the perspiration stream down 
our faces. Suddenly one of us looked up to ask 
the Field-Marshal a question, but stopped short 
and drew the attention of the others to what he 
saw. 

The General, too, had found it necessary to 
wipe the perspiration from his face, but in his 
preoccupation he had not noticed, that in pass- 
ing his night-table, he had picked up his wig 
instead of his handkerchief and was vigorously 
wiping his face with it. He kept it up for 
some time, looking so exceedingly funny that 
we broke into shouts of laughter. When we 
explained, he joined in our mirth. 



CHAPTER XIII 

Students in the Fatherland 

Obvious 

Professor: — "The old Greeks built their 
theatres in such a way that the spectators sat in 
an uncovered space. " 

Fresh student : — " But what did the old 
Greeks do when they were at the theatre and it 
commenced to rain ? ' ' 

Professor (thoughtfully taking off his spec- 
tacles, polishing them and putting them on 
again) : — "When it rained at the time the old 
Greeks were at the theatre, the old Greeks got 
wet." 

Perhaps He Was Right 
Professor : — " How do you find the size of a 
triangle?" 

Student (mumbling to himself): — "What a 
fool that Professor is ; how should I know ! " 

Professor : — " What is that ? Say it again ; 
perhaps you were right." 
234 



©erman TOit anO Ibumor 235 

A Reminder 

Professor M , of Konigsberg, whose 

house faced the cattle market, had a number of 
enemies among the hot-headed students. Once 
when during a lecture, they created an uproar, 
drumming on their desks, he said coldly : 
" Gentlemen, for your own sakes I must beg of 
you not to remind me where I live." These 
few words soon restored quiet. 

Long Buried 

Professor (at a medical examination, showing 
a human bone) : — " Can you tell me about how 
long this bone might have been buried in the 
earth and whether it is of the male or female 
sex." 

Student (after thinking for some time) : — 
"The bone has been in the earth since the 
death of its owner, and is of the male sex be- 
cause we say: Der Knochen " (masc. article). 

Remember Me 
Professor (making a farewell speech) : — " And 
now, young gentlemen, as you are entering the 
life of the University, I ask you to avoid all 
drinking bouts. Beer drinking makes stupid 
students. Remember me ! " 



236 ©erman mit anfc Ibumor 

Gave Him Away 

Professor : — " I have to ask your indulgence 
for a few minutes. I left my manuscript at 
home, but my little son will bring it at once." 

The little son (entering): — "Mother could 
not find the manuscript, so she sends you the 
book from which you copied it." 

The Persistent Creditor 

Creditor (who is receiving his money at last) : 
— "There are still ten marks missing, if you 
please ! " 

Student: — "I shall deduct those from the 
amount, for rent, since for the past few months 
you lived at my lodgings more than I did." 

Watchman or Donkey 

Student : — " Herr Nachtwachter (nightwatch- 
man), I wish to ask you something. May I 
call a Nachtwachter a donkey ? ' ' 

Nachtwachter: — "Just you take yourself off, 
before I haul you in." 

Student (goes, but returns after a few steps) : 
— "Now listen; I have another question. May 
I call a donkey a Nachtwachter ? ' ' 

Nachtwachter : — " You may, for all I care ! " 

Student: — "Well then, good -night, Herr 
Nachtwachter ! " 



©erman Wlit and Ibumor 237 

He Had the Watch 

Student : — " What time is it ? " 

Pawnbroker: — "Did you waken me in the 
middle of the night to ask me that? " 

Student: — " Why of course, you've got my 
watch!" , 



Knew His Father 

Professor : — " Well, young man, if your father 
should borrow a thousand marks, promising to 
pay them back in yearly instalments of two 
hundred and fifty marks, how much money 
would he still owe at the end of three years ? ' ' 

" A thousand marks." 

" Why, my dear sir, you don't even know 
the rudiments of arithmetic." 

"Possibly not; but I know my father." 

An Acquired Taste 

Student : — " Have you heard the latest news ? 
Mischler's brewery has burned down ! " 

Innkeeper : — " How was that possible, with 
so much material on hand to quench fire ? ' ' 

Student : — " I can easily explain that. When 
the .flames began to lick the beer, they found 
they liked it." 



238 German wait anD Ibumor 

Twice Fetched 

Student (coming home in the evening) : — 
" Has my overcoat been fetched, Frau Muller? M 

Landlady: — "Oh yes; twice.' ' 

Student :— " How is that? " 

Landlady: — "Well, you see, first I fetched 
it from the tailor, and afterwards the sheriff 
fetched it from your room." 



The Telltale Ticket 

The end of the term has arrived. Freshman 
Muller has managed, by coaxing all his uncles 
and aunts, to scrape enough capital together, to 
rescue his dress suit and overcoat from the 
pawnshop and is now on his way home. The 
following morning, when the first joy of having 
him at home again has subsided, his mother 
begins to look over his clothes. She finds in 
his overcoat the ominous pawnshop number, 
and sending for her son, she asks sharply : 

" What does this number mean? " 

"Why, at the last University ball I left the 
coat in the dressing-room, and I suppose they 
stuck the number on." 

Only half satisfied with this explanation, his 
mother dismisses him, but soon after sends for 
him once more. 



©erman TWltt anD f>umor 239 

"Now then, I wish to know if you left your 
trousers also in the dressing-room at that last 
ball?" 

Wonderful Knowledge 

Professor: — "What causes the Northern 
Light?" 

Student (embarrassed): — "I did know it 
perfectly well, but have forgotten it again." 

Professor: — "What an enormous loss for 
science ! You are the only human being who 
knew it once, and you had to forget it ! " 

Coffee Not Education 

Porter (to a lot of students who at an early 
morning hour, noisily demand admission into a 
closed cafe) : — "Gentlemen, you want to have 
education ? ' ' 

Students :— " No, coffee ! " 

An Apt Retort 

Professor (very angry): — "You are the 
biggest fool here ! ' ' 

Student (excited) : — " Sir ! You are forget- 
ting yourself." 

The Other Side 
"Is this the famous Kohlenberg?" asked a 



240 German TDQit anfc ttumor 

stranger of a student whom he met while as- 
cending it. 

" Yes, sir, very famous and very interesting.* ' 

" Would you have the kindness to tell me," 

said the stranger, " whether there are any 

legends or other dreadful tales associated with 

this mountain ? ' ' 

"A whole lot, sir, only recently two young 
men went up on this side and never came 
back." 

" Horrible ! What became of them ? " 
" Why, they went down on the other side." 

His Occasional Look 

In the waiting-room of a small railway station, 
a crowd of noisy young fellows were making 
fun of a student, who was walking impatiently 
up and down, but stopped from time to time to 
look into the mirror. At last the noisiest of the 
crowd called out : 

" Say, are you in love with yourself, that you 
look into that glass so often ? " 

" I only want a look at a gentleman now and 
then," was the student's calm reply. 

The Fifth Drink 
Student: — "I drink too much! Why, 
mother, as a good son, I could not sleep with- 



©etman TOit anfc Dumor 241 

out having drunk your health. Now the first 
glass is for the alma mater ; the second, for the 
professors ; the third, for science in general and 
my special study; the fourth, I must drink to 
father's health, so it's only the fifth that I can 
drain in your honor ! " 

A New Treatment 

Professor : — " How do you treat the epidemic 
diseases prevalent at the present time ? " 

Student: — "I treat them with the greatest 
contempt. ' ' 

An Ambiguous Amendment 

While the cholera was raging at M , the 

police issued an order that everybody who went 
home after ten o'clock at night, must do so 
without making any noise whatever, or pay a 
fine of five gulden. One night several students 
who had sat over their beer too long, went home 
late, singing lustily. The night-watchman at 
once accosted them, and asked whether they 
had not read the order that everybody must go 
home without singing or making any other 
noise ? 

" Of course we have read it," said one of the 
students, drily, "but we are not going home." 
This quick-witted answer confused the worthy 



242 German Wit and f>innot 

watchman, and he let them go. Next day the 
following amendment was read under the order : 
"Nobody is permitted to sing or make any 
noise on the street at night, whether they are 
going home or not." 

A Repetition by Request 

A student who had failed in his final exami- 
nation at the University, returned home. At 
dinner his father asked how his examinations 
went. 

" So well, that at general request, I have to 
go all through them again shortly." 

He Drank Beer 

Professor (examining a student) : — " And how 
do you guard yourself against impure water? " 

Student: — "First, I boil it; secondly, I 
filter it ! " 

Professor : — " And thirdly ? " 

Student : — " I drink beer." 

One Was Enough 

" You are engaged to be married to one of 
your fellow-students, SurTel ? ' ' 

"Oh, yes; one of us is sure to pass the ex- 
amination, and that is enough." 



German TOit anD Dumor 243 

Preferred Something Stronger 
Gentleman : — '* Don't you drink water ? " 
Student: — " Never; I tried it once, and 
almost drowned." 



Two Alike 
Among students. " What a spendthrift that 
Spund is ! Day before yesterday was the 
' First, ' and when I wanted to borrow from him 
to-day, he hadn't a pfennig." 

Ridiculous Idea 
Father (to his son, an extravagant student) : 
— "What? You want to start a coin collec- 
tion? That looks to me about as funny as 
it would if our poodle started a sausage col- 
lection ! " 

Double Dodging 

i st Student: — "Where do you have your 

clothes made, Spund? " 

2d Student : — " Meyer and Strauss." 

i st Student : — "I should never get a double 

firm to work for me. Instead of having to 

dodge only one creditor, you have to dodge 

two." 



244 German TOit ano Ibumot 

With Intent 

Student: — "Grandmother, you must have 
been a beautiful girl once ! " 

Grandmother (taking her pocketbook from 
her pocket): — "How much do you want for 
your bout to-night, you rascal ? ' ' 

She Knew Students 

Student (renting a room) : — " Shall I pay 
the rent in advance, Frau Muller?" 

Landlady: — "No, never mind; I'll save 
you the trouble of having to borrow it again 
from me." 

Impossible 

Fraulein : — " . . . And you risked your life 
gathering those Alpine roses for me? Now 
just tell the truth, you bought them? M 

Student: — "Oh, but gracious Fraulein, how 
could I — at the end of the month? " 

Was Prepared 
Uncle (before examination): — "Are you 
prepared, Karl?" 

Student : — " Oh yes, for the worst. M 

Worse Than He First Thought 
Student (at a tavern hunting for his over- 



©erman TKUft anD f>umor 245 

coat) : — " My overcoat has been stolen ! Well, 
the thing isn't worth much. Luckily the tailor 
has not been paid yet, but there were fifty 
pfennigs in the pocket ! It's a perfect outrage ! " 



CHAPTER XIV 

Women and Children 

Different Ways of Wooing 

The Diplomat says : — " Oh, let us form an 
everlasting alliance. ' ' 

The Soldier : — " You gave my heart an 
incurable wound ; or ' you came ; I saw ; you 
conquered.' " 

The Doctor: — "Only you can cure my suf- 
fering heart.' ' 

The Florist: — "Just one word from your 
lips and our path through life shall be strewn 
with roses." 

The Builder : — " Let us plan our cottage to- 
gether. ' ' 

The Sailor: — "Loveliest maiden, united to 
you, I could brave all the storms of life. ' ' 

The Jeweler : — " This single band shall form 
a golden chain." 

The Scientist: — "Ah, let me explore your 
heart and read my happiness in your eyes." 

The Sculptor: — "If your heart is not of 
marble, let my image dwell therein." 
246 



<3erman limit and Ibumor 247 

The Baker : — " Will you share my bread in 
joy and sorrow ? ' ' 

The Candlemaker :— " You shall be the light 
of my life." 



A Pretty Compliment 

Lady: — "The gentleman will surely buy this 
small bouquet ! ' ' 

Gentleman : — " Certainly, madam, how much 
fait?" 

Lady : — " Suppose we say twenty marks? " 

Gentleman: — "Madam, that is too dear for 
me!" 

Lady (pressing a kiss on the flowers) : — 
"And now, sir?" 

Gentleman (turning away) : — " Now it is al- 
together beyond my means." 



A Habit of His 

"My lady, there is a gentleman down-stairs, 
who wishes to see you ! " 

" Did he not give you his name? " 
"No; he said it was not necessary." 
" You do not know him ? " 
"No; he pinched my arms and cheeks." 
" Oh, that is my brother Gustave." 



248 German TKHit anfc Ibumor 

Tender-hearted 
Young Housewife : — " Why Nanny, how can 
you be so heartless as to throw those poor lob- 
sters at once into boiling water ? They ought to 
be put on in fresh water so they could get used 
to the heat by degrees ! " 

When the Tide Comes In 
He: — "I am going to take a bottle of sea- 
water home with me as a souvenir from Nor- 
derney ! " 

She :— " But don't fill it quite full, or it will 
burst on us when the tide comes in." 

Malady to Suit the Place 
"So that is why you are in the dumps, my 
dear ; you want to go to Wiesbaden, and are 
ordered to Ems. Don't be offended, but if 
ever I pay a yearly salary to my family physi- 
cian, and should want to go to a certain water- 
ing place, I would see that he found the proper 
malady for it." 

He Knew 
Father: — "Karl, the stork brought you a 
little brother last night." 
Karl:— "I know it." 



German TOit and ttmmot 249 

Father :— " How's that ? " 

Karl : — " I heard you say to the stork as he 
flew away, ' Won't you take an umbrella ; it is 
raining very hard.' " 

A Protection 

Lady : — " Were you not afraid to travel with 
your wife through the Abruzzen ? ' ' 

Gentleman: — "Oh no! my mother-in-law 
always sat with the driver." 

Would Change His Mind 
" I assure you, my friend, my son is dead in 
love with that actress. He has told me repeat- 
edly that he could not live without her." 

" Well, then let him marry her, and he will 
soon learn to ! " 

Retaliation 
A farmer had worked all day in the field in 
storm and rain, and in the evening, came home 
very tired, and wet to the skin. At the door, 
his dear wife who had been in the house all day 
met him, and said : " Dear husband, it has been 
raining so hard that I could not fetch any water, 
and so was not able to cook a soup for you. 
Since you are so wet, fetch a couple of pails ; 
you can't get any wetter." 



^50 ©erman imut anD f>umor 

There was no disputing this fact, so the man 
took the pails and went to the distant pump. 
When he returned to the house, his wife sat 
cozily by the fire ; so he took one pail after the 
other, poured the water over his wife and said : 
"Now you are just as wet as I am, and you can 
fetch the water yourself. You can't get any 
wetter. " 

Suited the Case 
Sophie (to her elderly maiden aunt) : — 
" Auntie, is not ' to leave ' conjugated : I leave, 
Heft, I have been left?" 

A Worthy Setting 
Women are the pearls of creation, and, as 
such, expect to be set in gold. 

Women's Rights 
Since the fair sex has been talking so much 
about women's rights, there are fewer of the 
" right women " on earth. 

Depends on the Age 
When the suitor appears, the belle of seven- 
teen asks: "Who is he?" — of twenty-five: 
"What is he?" — and after ten years more: 
"Where is he?" 



©erman TWlit anfc f)umot 251 

Extract From a Love-Letter 
"Beloved Anton ! I waited in the rain for 
you to-day at the corner. I hope you have been 
ill. Shall come again to-morrow. Your true 
Anna." 

Economical Unhappiness 

Wife: — "I don't know what is the matter 
with our Clara ; she does not wish to go to the 
balls ; she is indifferent to dress ; the theatre no 
longer gives her pleasure ; and now she even re- 
fuses to go to a watering-place for the summer. 
The girl must love unhappily." 

Husband: — "Good gracious! how econom- 
ical ! Sarah, could not you love me unhappily 
for once?" 

Not What He Expected 

Admirer: — "It gives me the most exquisite 
pleasure to hear you say that you discover daily 
how much I am like your sainted husband. 
Might I ask in what I resemble him ? " 

Young widow : — " You have all his bad hab- 
its." 

To Please Him 
Husband: — "You are lovely in this dress, 
that is true, but — the money ! " 



252 ©erman WLit an& Ibumot 

Wife: — "That does not count, when the ob- 
ject is to please you ! " 

Must Scream 

Gentleman:— "But, ladies, this loud talking 
during the concert is abominable ! " 

Lady : — " I fully agree with you. One must 
actually scream, to make oneself understood. ' ' 

The Newest 
" You wish a New Testament, madam ? " 
" Yes, but, please, the very newest." 

Painted Angels 

Mother: — "My daughter does not please 
you?" 

Gentleman: — "To tell the truth, I do not 
care for paintings." 

Mother : — " Pardon me, but did you ever see 
an angel, other than painted ? " 

No Economy Necessary 

Cook : — "Miss Helene, please, shall I put a 
pinch of paprika into the chicken-stew ? " 

Miss Helene (just back from boarding- 
school) : — "Why, Anna, you do not have to be 



German TOft anD Dumoi: 253 

so economical here ; put a good big tablespoon- 
ful into it." 

Ignorant Professor 

Lady: — " Do tell me, Professor, why we are 
called the fair sex ? ' * 

Professor: — " Well, I am sure I don't know 
either/ ' 

The Flirt 
" • • • Oh, who dares to deny it ! She 
knows how to chain the men ! And yet — 
caprice of nature — she never can chain one 

man ! ' ' 

The Convenient Grandmother 
Young Lady : — " Can I get a guide to write 

love-letters here ? ' ' 

Clerk :— " For yourself? " 

Young Lady (embarrassed) : — "For myself? 

— oh, no ! for — my — grandmother ! " 

Sharpening His Teeth 

A housemaid was ordered to go to a guest's 

room to tell him that dinner was ready. She 

found him standing before the looking-glass, 

tooth-brush in hand, cleaning his teeth. She 



254 German WLit anfc Ibumor 

gave her message, and on returning to her mis- 
tress, said, " The gentleman will come at once ; 
he is just sharpening his teeth." 

Butter, Then Cheese 
A butter-dealer and a cheese-monger were to 
be godmothers at a christening. At church the 
latter pushed herself into the place of honor, 
next to the mother. But the butter-dealer 
stepped in front of her saying, "Butter comes 
before cheese. 7 ' 

Thoroughly Washed 
Young wife (fresh from boarding-school) : — 
"Oh, Kathi, what are you doing? That fish 
does not need washing ! Why he has been in 
water all his life." 

Forethought 

To a Banker. " Why do you let your daugh- 
ter marry your cashier ? " 

' ' Precaution, my dear sir ; if he ever runs 
away with the bank's money, my daughter will, 
in all probability, get some of it." 

To Suit Her Mourning 
At a Ball. " May I ask for the first waltz ? " 



©erman TflCUt anfc tnimor 255 

u Certainly — but please, Doctor, dance a 
little slower; I am still in mourning." 



Inhospitality 

Lady: — "But John, my guests drank only 
three bottles of champagne yesterday, and here 
are four missing. M 

John : — " Did they drink only three? Well, 
I didn't count them, — I don't think it is nice to 
watch one's guests." 

Too Literal 

Intended Husband: — "You know, Bertha, 
I would go to the end of the world for you ! " 

Fiancee: — "Then, please, stay a few days 
longer with us." 

Intended Husband : — " Why, my dear Bertha, 
I should lose my return ticket ! " 



A Fatal Mistake 

Doctor's Wife : — " Why, my dear husband, 
what are you so dreadfully excited about? " 

Doctor : — " Just think of it ! By mistake I 
signed my name under the question, ' Cause of 
death,' in a death certificate ! " 



256 ©erman wait anD ttumot 

Her Faulty Geography 

An Eskimo family was being exhibited at the 
zoological gardens. The young wife of an 
Army officer who had taken her there, asked 
them, " How do you like it in Berlin ? " and as 
the Eskimos kept silent, not understanding 
her, the talkative little woman went on, " Don't 
you think it's nicer here, than in Eskimo? " 

A New Composer 

Lady : — " Dear Emilie, by whom is this mag- 
nificent piece, that is being played ? ' ' 

Emilie: — "I think it is by ' Da Capo,' an 
Italian composer, who has written a great many 
pieces." 

Eels by the Yard 

Young Housewife (helping the cook prepare 
the menu for a dinner-party) : — "As second 
course, we will have baked eel." 

Cook: — "How much shall I order, my 
lady?" 

Young housewife : — " I think ten yards ought 
to be enough." 

A Hint 
"Say, papa, when I am a papa, I'll make 
Liesel roast a goose for me, too ; but I shall 
give my little boy some of it." 



German WLit anD f>umor 257 

A Young Lady's Diary on an Ocean Steamer 

First. Day. Stormy weather ; poor company. 

Second Day. Captain very amiable ; offers 
me his heart and hand. Refused. 

Third Day. Captain renews his offer. 
Threatens to kill us both and to blow up the 
vessel with three hundred souls on board. Re- 
fused. 

Fourth Day. Saved three hundred lives. 

Toast to Women 
"The ladies lessen our sorrows, double our 
joys, and treble our expenses. Long may they 
live!" 

A Precaution 
" Auntie, do you like chocolates ? " 
" Oh yes, little one, I love them ! " 
" Ah ! Then I had better ask grandmamma 
to take care of my box of bonbons." 

A Novice in Gardening 

Husband : — " Just think, little wife, I saw 
the first asparagus in the garden. Would it 
give you pleasure to cut it yourself? " 

Young Housewife (trying to hide her ig- 
norance in this direction) : — "I tell you what, 
Adolf; we'll go together. You pick it off, 
while I hold the ladder." 



258 German TKttit an& fmmor 

Poor Memory 

Servant : — " Will you please tell me, madam, 
where you buy your sausages ? ' ' 

Mistress : — " On Humboldt Street." 

Servant : — " I am afraid I can't remember 
that." 

Mistress : — " Just think of the Kosmos." 

A Different Meaning 
Bride : — " What is the name of that beautiful 
star over there? " 

Bridegroom : — " That is Venus/ ' 
Bride : — " What does it mean ? " 
Bridegroom : — " The happiness of love ! " 

Twenty Years Later 

Wife: — " What is. the name of that beautiful 
star over there ? ' ' 

Husband: — "It's the evening star; don't 
know the name of it." 

Wife : — " Do you know what it means? " 

Husband : — " That it is getting night." 

Hard on Him 
A flirt is a rose, of whom each plucks a 
leaf; the thorns remain for the future husband. 



(Becman TWUt an& l)umor 259 

Her Idea of Rome 

Gentleman : — " You were some time in Italy, 
Baroness; how did you like Rome? " 

Baroness : — " Rome? Just wait a moment ! 
(To her daughter.) Emma, was it not at Rome 
where we bought those poor gloves ?" 

Misunderstood 

Baroness (returning home) : — " Maria, I can- 
not suffer you to take your sweetheart into the 
kitchen ! " 

Cook: — "Your ladyship is very kind, but 
my sweetheart would not go into the salon ! " 

Not Men Pleasers 

Husband : — " I wish you would tell why you 
women are forever dressing up and have to have 
such a lot of new clothes all the time ; do you 
think such extravagance pleases the men ? ' ' 

Wife : — " Oh, we don't care to please the 
men ; we want to make the other women jeal- 
ous ! " 

Depends on the Kind 

Little Fritz (to the cook) : — " Anna, how do 
you spell i sauce ' ?" 

Cook : — " Sauce ? Well, you see, Fritz, there 
are so many different kinds of sauce I " 



260 German TOit an& Ibumor 

A Question of Likes 

Gentleman: — "Mein Fraulein, do you like 
sauerkraut ? ' ' 

Fraulein : — " Why, what a queer question to 
ask me!" 

Gentleman: — "Well, you see, I love the 
little sausages that go with it, so if you liked 
sauerkraut, we should match beautifully. " 

Thought for the Future 

Professor: — "Well, dear Elise, after passing 
such a brilliant examination, I suppose you will 
settle down at once to practice law ? ' ' 

Student : — " Oh, no, I am going to enter the 
government service; else my future husband 
would not receive a — pension.' ' 

Conclusive Evidence 

A little girl was heard holding the following 
monologue : 

" Did God really make the whole world? I 
couldn't do it. It must have been dreadfully 
hard. But I know one thing He didn't make, 
this washrag of my doll's ; I knitted that my- 
self, the dear Lord can't knit." 

Misery Loves Company 
Little Carl had been scolded a good many 



(Berman TIClit anfc Ibumor 261 

times for dropping and breaking things. One 
day his mother happened to drop and break a 
cup. "Why, mother, now you are a naughty 
boy, too ! " exclaimed the little one. 

Uncle and the Donkey 

There is nothing like a jolly and good-na- 
tured uncle in a family. What fun the children 
have with him ! Just now they are all hanging 
around him waiting for what is coming next. 

" Now, young gentleman," he says to the 
oldest, "I am going to give you a riddle. It is 
gray, has rather large ears, and you can ride on 
it; what is it?" 

" Why uncle, that is you," cries the youngest, 
joyfully. 

The Unsuccessful Ruse 

Little Anna was ill in bed, and could not be 
induced to take her pill. Her clever mamma 
hid it in a preserved pear and gave her that. 
After a while she asked: "Well, my darling, 
have you eaten your pear ? " 

"Oh, yes, mamma," answered the little one, 
"all but the pit." 

An Ancient Fowl 
Elsie (who, with her mamma, is dining off 



262 ©erman "QUIit anD Ibumot 

a very tough chicken at a railway station) : — 
"Mamma, don't you think this chicken must 
have been hatched from a hard boiled egg?" 

A Classical Maid 

Lady: — " Has the Baron not been here yet 
to-day ?" 

Maid: — " Everything has been here once," 
says Lessing, "but — the Baron has not been 
here yet." 

From the Diary of a Singer 

Monday : — " Ai'da." Starved with my lover 
in the prison cell. 

Tuesday :— Sang "Gilda" in " Rigoletto." 
Was murdered and dragged from the stage in a 
bag. 

Wednesday: — In "Traviata" I sang "Vio- 
letta," and coughed virtuos-tuberculos, my 
life away. 

Thursday:— As "Selika" (in l'Africaine) 
died from the poisonous odor of the Manzanillen 
tree. 

Friday: — Sang the "Jewess," and 2&& finale 
was thrown into a kettle of boiling oil. 

Saturday: — As "Sulamithe" in the "Queen 
of Saba" was suffocated in the Simoom of the 
desert. 



©etman WLit anfc *ff>umor 263 

Sunday: — "Hamlet" and I as" Ophelia " 
drowned — under a storm of applause — in the 
brook. How beautiful it is, to be able to 
devote one's art and one's life to give pleasure 
to one's fellow-men ! 

Deep Mourning 
Count : — " Gracious lady, are you not danc- 
ing to-night? " 

Lady : — " Not till after midnight, Count. " 
Count : — " Why not until then ? " 
Lady: — "Because to-day is the anniversary 
of my husband's death." 

Without Nerves 

Mother (coming home, meeting her children) : 
— "Why, children, how you do look; where 
have you been ? ' ' 

Walter : — "At the Major's, across the street, 
mamma, and didn't we have a great time 
playing ! " 

Elsa : — "And just think, mamma, Clara's 
mother has no nerves at all 1 " 

Unaccountable Stupidity 
Fanny had succeeded in coaxing her mother 
to take her to hear " Lohengrin." During the 



264 ©erman limit anfc fl>umot 

performance she turns to her mother and says : 
"Why, mamma, how stupid of Elsa to ask 
Lohengrin his name, when all she had to do 
was to look at the program ! " 

A Gentle Hint 
"Ah, sir, if ever I should have grandchil- 
dren, I could not wish them a better father 
than yourself! " 

A Suggestive Question 

" So sad to-day, Miss Alice ? " 

" Oh, yes ; I am very unhappy ! " 

"May I ask why?" 

"Papa told me just now, that we are going 
home to-morrow.' ' 

"Am I perhaps the happy one, on whose 
account you are so very unhappy?" 

The Swan Song 

"Is it true, mamma, that swans sing before 
they die?" 

" Yes, my child ! but come, stop feeding them 
or you will make them ill." 

" That is just what I want to do. I am going 
to feed them till they die. I do want to hear a 
swan-song, so much ! " 



German TOUt and Dumot 265 

A Slight Misunderstanding 

" So you have but just returned from a trip 
to Paris ! You visited the Louvre, I sup- 
pose?" 

" Oh, certainly, was so delighted with it, that 
I went all over it ! " 

"And which one of the many magnificent 
pictures pleased you most, Baroness? " 

" Pictures ? I did not see any pictures ; the 
velvet coats charmed me most ! M 

"Ah, then you were at the dry-goods store 
'Louvre' ! " 

"Why, where else did you think? M 

The Boy Understood 

Minister (who has a few boy boarders) : — 
" So you have sunk so low, Fritz, as to steal my 
milk from the cellar ! But who is it, from 
whom you can conceal nothing ; who sees 
everything ; before whom I myself am nothing 
but a grain of sand ? ' ' 

Fritz (weeping) : — " Your wife, sir ! " 

A Child's Request 

The mother, on leaving the room, warns her 

little daughter : " Don't think of taking a pear 

from the basket when I am gone; you know, 

little one, that if I cannot see you, the dear 



266 ©erman TOit atrt> Ibumor 

Lord can." Mother gone, the little girl can't 
resist the temptation, and looking up to heaven, 
she says, in a pleading voice: "Dear Lord, 
do please turn around ! " 

The Order of Things 
< ' Mamma, I know how things in this world 
are ordered,' ' said little Bertha, who had just 
administered a severe rebuke to her doll. " The 
doll must mind me; I must mind the nurse; 
the nurse must mind you ; you must mind papa ; 
papa must mind the Emperor; the Emperor 

must mind God ; and God ' ' here she 

stopped, thought a moment, and then said de- 
cidedly — "and God must mind Bismarck.' ' 

A Large Hood 
"The dear Lord must wear a very large 
hood, mamma ! " 
"Why so, child?" 
" Because at school we always pray : 

" ' Make us, dear Lord, pious and good, 
And take us all beneath Thy hood ! * " 

Not to Her Liking 
A pretty little girl was often hurt by the way 
the neighbors and servants talked about her red 
hair. One day her grandmother tried to com- 



©erman TOit and Ibumor 267 

fort her, saying: "Dear child, God made 
your hair, and everything He does is well 
done." 

"Oh, but then I would rather He would not 
make anything more for me," declared the 
little one. 

Her Fears 

Little Elsie was at a children's party with her 
nurse. In the evening there were fireworks set 
off. When the first sky-rocket went up, the 
child began to cry bitterly, calling to her nurse 
in a voice full of fear, "They are shooting 
the dear Lord ! " 

Only the Repair Angel 

Lieschen, on Christmas day with her new 
doll: — "See, Hannchen, what a beautiful new 
doll the Christ-child has brought me!" 

Hannchen (with an old, but repaired doll) : 
— "My mamma said that only the repair angel 
came to us this year." 

A Question of Belief 
At the examination the children were to say 
the creed before the superintendent. It was 
practiced so that three children were each to 
say one article. 



268 ©erman TKHit and tmmot 

The first began: "I believe in God the 

Father " 

The superintendent skipped the second, and 
asked the third : " Go on, child ! " 
" I believe in the Holy Ghost 1 " 
" No ; I believe in Jesus Christ 1 " 
" No I don't believe in Him. He believes in 
Him," said the boy, pointing towards his over- 
looked neighbor. 



CHAPTER XV 

Miscellaneous 

A Rope Without End 

Two sailors were winding up a rope, and did 
not finish as quickly as they expected. 

" Where in the world/' cried one of them im- 
patiently, "is that end? " 

"I bet," returned the other, "they have cut 
it off." 

The Long Dressing-gown 
The wife of a well-known Berliner presented 
him on his birthday with a dressing-gown. 
Agreeably surprised, he tried it on, but found 
that it was about six inches too long. In the 
night a violent storm occurred. The anxious 
wife arose and, to pass the time, took the 
dressing-gown and shortened it. Then she re- 
tired again. 

Now, with the family lived a very active 

sister-in-law, who was in the habit of rising 

very early. On this morning she saw the 

dressing-gown, and thinking to please her 

269 



2?o German TKHit anfc toumor 

brother-in-law, she took it down and shortened 
it six inches more. After breakfast the two 
ladies went to market, and the husband, think- 
ing of his dressing-gown, before going to busi- 
ness, ordered the cook to take it to the tailor, 
and have it shortened about six inches. In the 
afternoon the tailor returned it — a jacket with 
tails. 

A Suabian Prussian-hater 
"We are nowhere, since we joined the Prus- 
sians ; we must be soldiers, we must pay taxes, 
and we must keep our mouths shut ! " 

"Now, tell the truth, Hans; when were you 
a soldier? When did you pay taxes, and when 
did you ever keep your mouth shut? " 

Equal to the Occasion 

A clergyman living near Rastock, had an old 
man, one of his farm-hands, drive him to 
Warnemunde to inspect a man-of-war. On the 
way he talked about the big vessel they were 
going to see. 

"Oh," said his farm-hand, "I've seen a 
vessel like that often enough." 

" Where did you ever see a man-of-war?" 

"At Portsmouth, when my regiment was 
shipped.'' 



<3etman WLit and Ibumot 271 

"How did you get to Portsmouth?" 

"We came there from Quebec. I was sta- 
tioned in Canada a long time. Lots of Indians 
there. They loafed around the streets, even 
their color wasn't like ours." 

"But how did you get there? " 

" From Gibraltar, where it's dreadfully hot, 
and nothing is there but stones and rocks. Oh 
yes, they've monkeys and loads of dust." 

"But how in the world did you happen to 
strike Gibraltar? " 

" Went with the Englishmen." 

" And how did you get among the English- 
men?" 

The farmhand scratched his head, grinned, 
and said: "I ran away from here, because I 
did not want to be a soldier." 

The Last Train 

" Could you tell me when the last train for 
Potsdam is going to leave ? ' ' asked a traveler of 
his-neighbor at the station. 

"Well," said he dryly, "I don't suppose 
either of us will live to catch it." 

A Questionable Dish 
A German merchant dining with a Chinese 
Mandarin at Hongkong, seemed to be very much 



272 ©erman ICift an& Ibumor 

pleased with the foreign dishes. He had just 
been enjoying a roast, when the disquieting 
thought struck him, that he might have been 
dining off a cat, as he had been told that the 
Chinese ate cats as well as rats. He de- 
termined to find out. But unluckily the China- 
man did not speak German, and the German 
did not understand Chinese, so the latter pointed 
at the dish saying : " Miau, miau ! " 

" Wow, wow ! " said the Chinaman, shaking 
his head. 

The Host Could Not Leave 
At a large evening party, one of the guests 

stood in a corner yawning. 

" Are you very much bored, sir ?" asked his 

neighbor. 

"Yes, dreadfully," was the answer. "And 

you?" 

" Oh I am bored to death too." 

" How would it do, to clear out together? " 

" I am sorry I can't ; lam the host." 

Proof Without Doubt 

" Say, do you think we need the sun more 
than the moon?" asked one corner-lounger of 
another. 

" What a foolish question," replied the other ; 



©erman Trait an& *umor 273 

"of course we need the moon more; it's light 
enough in daytime anyhow.' ' 

A Question of Numbers 
Professor (to a shepherd) : — " A shepherd 

once told me that black sheep eat a great deal 

less than the white ones. I supposed he told 

me a story? " 

Shepherd :— " No, not at all !-" 
Professor : — " Well, how is that? " 
Shepherd: — "Why, you know there are a 

great many more white ones than black ones." 

Difference of Opinion 

A young officer and a clergyman met at a 
party. The former, intending to be witty, said : 
" If I had a stupid son, I would make a clergy- 
man of him ! ' ' 

The clergyman replied : " How opinions dif- 
fer ! Your sainted father thought otherwise. ' ' 

He Could Not Swim 

" Which one of you can swim ? " asked a gen- 
tleman who wished to be rowed across the lake. 
At once a number of boatmen surrounded him, 
crying : 

"I, sir; II" Only one remained at a dis- 
tance. 



274 German TKUtt and tbumor 

" Can you not swim ? " he asked the man. 

"No, sir," answered the boatman. 

" Then you are the one to row me over." 



Gave What They Wished 
During war time a parson wished to rouse 
his congregation to more enthusiastic patriotism, 
so, when addressing them one day, he cried : 
" Ha ! Already I see the enemy coming, see 
him enter your village, burn your homes, take 
away your wives and daughters ! Yes, they are 
coming, they are near ; do you see the flags wav- 
ing ? Do you hear the beating of the drums ? ' ' 
at the same time drumming on the pulpit with 
both fists. Immediately the schoolmaster be- 
hind the pulpit imitated the blowing of a bugle. 
The parson turning around, whispered : " School- 
master, what are you doing ? " 

"I am helping you, sir/' he replied. " I 
know our farmers. Infantry alone won't do; 
you want cavalry too." 

Located at Last 
In one of Munich's streets, a crowd had gath- 
ered around a little lost boy. He answered all 
questions as to his name, where he lived, with : 
" I don't know." There seemed nothing left 



German THJlft anfc *umot 275 

to do. but to take him to the police station, 
when some knowing fellow had a bright thought. 
He planted himself in front of the boy saying, 
" Now you just tell me, sonny, where do you buy 
your beer ? ' ' 

" At the Franziskaner," was the quick reply. 
There he was taken and was soon identified. 



A Wife's Ten Commandments 

1. Beware of the first quarrel. When it 
comes, fight it out bravely to the end ; it is of 
far-reaching consequence, that you should come 
out victorious. 

2. Never forget that you are married to a 
man, not to a God ; then his shortcomings will 
not surprise you. 

3. Do not pester him continually for money, 
but try to get along with your weekly allowance. 

4. If your husband should not possess a heart, 
he undoubtedly owns a stomach ; you will be 
wise, if you try to gain his favor with well-cooked 
food. 

5. Now and then, not too often, let him have 
the last word ; it pleases him and you lose 
nothing by it. 

6. Read something besides the death and 
birth-notices in the paper ; it will surprise him 



276 (Berman WLit anD Ibumor 

occasionally, that he can talk about current 
events and politics at home, without having to 
go to the tavern for it. 

7. Always, even when quarreling, be polite 
to him. Remember that you looked up to him 
before marriage ; don't look down on him now. 

8. At appropriate intervals permit him to 
know more than you do ; it will preserve his 
dignity, and it will be to your advantage to 
acknowledge, now and then, that you are not 
infallible. 

9. Be your husband's friend, if he is clever; 
if he is not, try to elevate him to be yours ; 
never descend to his level. 

10. Respect your husband's relatives, par- 
ticularly his mother ; she has loved him longer 
than you have ! 

Tempi Passati 

" I count on your taking part in our charity- 
concert, Doctor. I have often had occasion to 
admire your beautiful voice." 

"I regret exceedingly, sir, but since I have 
been married I have no longer a voice." 

Forgot His Name 
Professor Schnudlich (to letter-carrier) : — 
" Any letters for me?" 



(Berman *Mit anD ttmmot 277 

Letter-carrier: — " What is your name ? " 
Professor: — "My — my — well now, I can't 
think of my own name ! I am always for- 
getting something ! And my wife, Frau Pro- 
fessor Schnudlich, is away too. She could tell 
it to you instantly." 

The Lion's Share 

" How starved this lion looks, and yet the 
city allows a lot of money for their food ! " 

"Well, I suppose the keeper takes the lion's 
share." 

A Pious Wish 

Lieutenant : — " Then you refuse me your 
daughter's hand, sir? Ah, would that my grief 
might soften your heart ! " 

Banker: — "I am sorry, sir, but in this in- 
stance I don't follow my heart, but my brain." 

Lieutenant : — " And may I not hope for a 
softening of the brain ? " 

The End in Sight 

A tradesman punished his erring apprentice, 
saying, at the same time, " How much longer 
are you going to serve the evil one? " 

The boy replied, "You ought to know best, 
master ; I believe my time is up in four months." 



278 German limit aitfc Ibumot 

Flattering Likeness 

One beautiful summer afternoon, Herr Frau- 
lich decided to take his family for a drive on 
the Prater in Vienna. After spending two hours 
over her toilet his wife appeared at last, leading 
their little son. 

" Oh Kathi," cried the husband, when he 
saw them, " how could you dress the child up 
like that ! He looks simply crazy ! I am not 
going to take you out this way. I don't want 
people to think that I am parading a monkey." 

On this there was an exchange of sharp words, 
but finally the husband gave in and they set out. 
But on the stairs, Herr Fraulich, to spoil his 
wife's triumph, said, "You may say just what 
you like, I stick to it — Franz looks just like a 
monkey. ' ' 

At the house- door they met a friend. She 
greeted them, kissed little Franz, and remarked : 

" What an angel of a child your Franz is — 
the very image of his father ! ! ' 

The Stove Smoked 

Servant: — "I am glad you like the room, 
sir. I hope you don't mind smoke ! " 

Gentleman : — "Oh no, I smoke a great deal 
myself." 



©erman TOUt anO Ibumot 279 

Servant : — " That's good ; the stove here does 
too." 

A Novelty 

Dude : — " Pshaw ! Life is stale ! I believe 
I'll kill myself some day. But how ? " 

" Have a thought shoot through your head for 
once." 

A Wonderful Cure 

A gentleman who had trouble with his eyes 
went to an oculist to have them examined. 
The physician took the eye out, put it on the 
table, and examined the socket. When he 
turned around he was horrified to see the cat 
in the act of swallowing the eye. He grabbed 
her, carried her outside, took out one of her 
eyes, and returning to the consulting room, re- 
placed the gentleman's with the cat's eye, and 
told him to come back in a week. 

When the patient returned the oculist asked 
him if he could see. 

" Oh, yes," he answered ; "I can see by day 
as well as by night." 

" Do you sleep well ? " 

" So, so ! One of the eyes sleeps soundly, 
but it's strange, the other seems to be constantly 
on the lookout for mice." 



280 German TOUt an& Dumor 

No Apology Necessary 
A missionary was invited to a dinner at which 
the daughters of the house appeared in low-neck 
dresses. The host thought it necessary to 
apologize for the fashion. "Oh," said the 
missionary, "I don't mind it at all. I ought 
to be used to it, having spent ten years among 
the aborigines." 

More Reliable 

Wife : — "I believe you love your pipe better 
than you do me ! ' ' 

Husband: — "Well, that doesn't go out as 
much as you do ! " 

Easily Explained 

Son : — " Is it true, father, that there are peo- 
ple living on the moon ? " 

Father (not wishing to betray his ignorance) : 
— "Certainly, son." 

Son: — "But what becomes of the people 
when the moon wanes ? " 

Father :— " They wane too." 

A Karlsbad Scheme 
" What doctor have you, Rosenthal ? " 
"What doctor? My neighbor in the next 



German TDQit anfc Ibumor 281 

room has a doctor. When he comes to see 
Tiim, I listen at the door, and whatever he 
orders, I do. What need have I, then, to spend 
a lot of good money on a doctor ? " 

A Good Financier 

" Will you tell me, my dear friend, how you 
manage, that you are never pressed for money, 
but always have plenty of it ? " 

"That is very simple; I never pay old 
debts." 

" But how about the new ones ? " 

" I let them grow old." 

Why Eve Had no Servant 
" There is a great deal of talk about women's 
faults, and the reasons why they need so much 
waiting upon. The question has even been 
asked — by a man of course, — why the dear 
Lord, in making Eve, from one of Adam's ribs, 
did not make a servant for her at the same 
time. 

" We are able to answer this question satis- 
factorily. She simply did not need a servant. 
' i And why not ? Because Adam never came to 
Eve, lamenting over a pair of torn socks, asking 
her to darn them, or with a shirt that had parted 
company with its buttons, or with a pair of 



282 ©erman Mtt an& Dumot 

ripped gloves that wanted mending at once. 
Neither did he walk around in the mud smok- 
ing cigars and then come back with boots that 
needed blacking. 

" Neither did he sit yawning behind a news- 
paper, and, as soon as the sun went down, ask 
gruffly : i Will supper be ready soon ? ' 

" Instead of this, Adam lit the fire himself, 
put the kettle on, pulled the radishes, pared the 
potatoes, and, in general, did his duty. He 
was satisfied with one dish, and did not 
grumble, if Eve did happen to make a mess of 
it for once. They didn't bother with serviettes, 
they used a palmleaf. He didn't put a boiled 
shirt in the wash every day. He milked the 
cows and fed the chickens. He never brought 
half a dozen friends to dinner, when one was 
not in the least prepared for them. He did not 
stay out late at night playing cards ; it was not 
necessary for Eve to sit up and worry. He 
didn't lounge around saloons, while Eve sat at 
home rocking little Cain. He never scolded 
and looked for his slippers in the corner where 
' he knew ' he had put them. When he took 
off his boots, he put them in their place under 
the fig-tree. 

"In short — he did not think that Eve had 
been created for the sole purpose of waiting upon 



German IQit anD •foumor 283 

him ; he did not harbor the fixed idea, that it 
was degrading to a man to lighten his wife's 
burdens. These are the reasons, gentlemen, 
why Eve had no need of a servant.' ' 

Would Suit Exactly 

A vivacious woman, who was talking to a 
statesman about the Woman's Rights question, 
suddenly asked : 

' ' What position would you give me if women 
filled government positions as well as the 
men?" 

" I would give you the management of a 
deaf and dumb asylum." 

"And why?" 

' < Because those unfortunates would either 
have to learn to talk or you would have to learn 
to keep silent." 

Reason 
Reason is the only thing we can lose without 
ever having possessed it. 

There Would Be No Use 
Gentleman : — " Don't you love Heine? " 
Old Maid :— " Why should I ? The man is 
dead ! " 



284 ©erman TDOUt anfc Ibumor 

Good Advice 

"Waiter, close those windows; there is a 
draught, and I am suffering with rheumatism. 
I can't have the door open, either, or my feet 
get cold, and don't you go and wipe those 
tables, you'll raise a dust and I have a cough ! 
My tea must not be strong either, as I am 
nervous.' ' 

" If I were you, I would go to a hospital and 
be put in an incubator." 

Appropriate to Men 

Gentleman :—" At fifty we may call the 
ladies 'old women,' may we not, gracious 
lady?" 

Lady: — "Certainly, and many men much 
sooner." 

A Distinction 
Some one says of the residents of Munich : 
" When they rise in the morning they are beer 
barrels, and when they retire at night they are 
barrels of beer." 

Cheap Communication 
Father (to his son going on a long journey) : 
— "Benjamin, when you arrive at Krotoschin, 



(Bctman mit anfc Ibumot 285 

you needn't waste any paper writing a letter. 
I'll give you a stamped envelope addressed to 
me; you just mail that, and I'll know that you 
arrived safely." 

Son: — " Father, you can save the postage. 
I'll mail it without the stamp, and you just re- 
fuse to take it." 

Objected to Her Mother 

Mother : — " I wish you would tell me, Franz, 
why you don't want to marry Fraulein Neu- 
mann. I tell you, the girl is a pearl." 

Son: — "That is quite possible, but I don't 
like the mother-of-pearl." 



His Confession 

A thief while at confession, stole the con- 
fessor's watch. 

"I have stolen," declared the thief. 

"Then you must give the stolen article back 
to its owner," said the priest. 

"I will give it to you." 

"No, I don't want it." 

"But if the owner won't take it," asked the 
thief, " what shall I do then ? " 

"Then, in God's name, keep it," answered 
the unsuspecting priest. 



286 ©etman TKflit anfc Ibumot 

A la Munchausen 

A : — " Look, on the weather-vane of that 
church-tower sits a fly." 

B : — " Yes, I see him, and what's more, he is 
yawning just now, and has a hollow tooth in his 
mouth." 



He Found Them 

Three wags met an old Jew. "Good -morn- 
ing, Father Abraham ! " cried the first. " Good- 
morning, Father Isaac ! " the second. " Good- 
morning, Father Jacob ! " the third. 

"You are mistaken, gentlemen," said the 
Jew; a I am neither Abraham, nor Isaac, nor 
Jacob; I am Saul, who went to look for his 
father's asses, and I've found them, I've found 
them!" 

A Horse-thief's Excuse 

" You villain," said the judge to the horse- 
thief, just brought before him, " how did you 
dare to steal a horse from the street, in the 
middle of the day?" 

" I steal a horse ? " returned the thief. " Let 
me tell your Honor, that in a very narrow 
street a horse stood right in my way. I was in 
a hurry, and wanted to drive him on in front 



Oetman TRttft an& Ibumot 287 

of me when a voice cried, ' Take care, that 
horse kicks ! ' Then I tried to push past him, 
and go my way, when somebody called out, 
6 Hold on, that beast bites ! ' Now what else 
could I do, if I did not want to be bitten, but 
to jump on him as quickly as I could ? And I 
had hardly touched the saddle when the im- 
patient horse takes the bit between his teeth and 
runs. He took me fourteen miles, and that is 
how I came to be here, your Honor. Now did 
I steal that horse, or did that horse steal me?" 



The Henpecked Husband 

Doctor (to a patient whose wife died six 
months before) : — " You may live a good many 
years yet, if you are careful." 

Patient : — "That's all right, Doctor, but just 
think of the reception my sainted wife will give 
me if I keep her waiting so long." 



Without Charm 

" Well, Louise, as the wife of such a promis- 
ing physician, you must lead a charming life ! ' ' 

" Oh, yes ! a very charming life, to sit all 
day long, muffled up to my eyes, in the waiting 
room, making believe I'm a patient ! " 



288 (Berman TSQllt and fmmor 

The Janus Statue at Munich 
"Oh say, I like this statue ! " 
" So do I ; just think of having two throats, 
and to be permitted to carry the door-key ! " 



Conscientious 

"Sarah," said Moritz one morning to his 
wife, " Sarah, offer me one hundred and fifty 
marks for my hops ! " 

Sarah : — " Well, I offer you one hundred and 
fifty marks for your hops." 

Moritz then went to the hop market where a 
dealer offered him one hundred marks for his 
crop. 

"What," cries Moritz, indignantly, "one 
hundred marks ! May the lightning strike me, 
if I haven't already been offered to-day one hun- 
dred and fifty marks.' ' 

In the Laundry 

Neighbor : — " What in the world is your hus- 
band doing in the laundry all morning ? " 

The Poet's Wife (angrily) : — " He is forever 
writing his poetry on his cuffs ! Now he is hunt- 
ing in the wash-boiler, for the fourth verse of his 
last poem." 



©erman THRU anfc Dumor 289 

His Love for Lilacs 

" My wife is attention personified ! Some 
time ago I happened to mention that I loved all 
lilacs — and what do you suppose I saw, when 
my birthday came around ? ' ' 

" Well — a beautiful bouquet of lilacs on the 
table." 

" No, sir ! My wife, in a new lilac dress ! " 

His Mistake 

Herr Schanz, of Berlin, came to W. on a 
pleasure trip. He stopped at the hotel ' ' Krone, ' ' 
and was given a room on the third floor. 

That night he started for home feeling a little 
muddled. He lost his way, and strayed into the 
hotel " Kronprince " on the same street, which 
was only two stories high. When he reached 
the second floor and saw the roof above him, he 
shook his heavy head incredulously, and shouted 
down the stairs, " Say, porter, what kind of a 
monkey-shine is this ? What's become of that 
third story?" 

Popularity — A Fable 
" You need not be so proud of your flowers," 
said the thorns to the rose-bush. "It is to us 
you owe the greater part of your popularity ! " 



290 ©erman 1TCUt and Ibumor 

Asked Too Much 

"What! your parents wish to force you to 
marry that old banker ! " 

"Indeed they do, and what is more, they 
want me to study medicine, as he is always ail- 
ing 



t " 



A Reliable Guide 

"Good gracious, fellow, did I not order you 
to burn all my old love-letters, and here I find 
them bound on your table ? " 

" Please excuse me, Captain, but my cook al- 
ways wanted a guide for love-letters, and so I 
thought yours would do nicely ! " 



An Adjustment of Accounts 
Host (to a stranger who is settling his ac- 
count) : — " I am two marks short of your change. 
Let me look at the account again, perhaps I can 
think of something else to put down ! " 

Claims to Greatness 

A: — "Who is the gentleman, to whom you 
were speaking a while ago ? " 

B : — " Ah, that's a great man ! He is one of 
the ten-thousand foremost writers of our day ! " 



©erman Wit and Ibumor 291 

Caught 

Gentleman (in a cigar store): — "Can you 
recommend that brand of cigars, ' Ne plus Ultra ' 
with a good conscience." 

Dealer : — " Certainly, sir ; they are absolutely 
perfect and remarkably cheap.' ' 

Gentleman (smilingly lighting one of them) : 
— " I am very glad to hear you say so — all the 
more, since you wrote to me, that they were not 
fit to smoke, and not worth half the money I 
charged you for them. I am the manufacturer ! ' ' 



A Shopping Aid 

" The best thing for us to do, my dear Ed- 
ward, will be to get an automobile. If we ride 
up to the dry-goods store in one of these, we can 
get enough goods on credit, so that we can live 
well by simply pawning them." 



The Very Latest 

" Since your future husband is so devoted to 
all kinds of sports, I suppose you will make your 
wedding trip in a balloon ? " 

" Why no, that is out of date, — in a sub- 
marine vessel.' ' 



292 German limit anfc Ibumor 

A Select Neighborhood 
" The people living in our part of the city are 
of that class who can pawn their automobiles 
during the carnival season." 



Tricks of Fate 

"Well, how is your flying-machine progress- 
ing?" 

" I am sorry to say, it fell into the ocean." 

" And how far along are you with your sub- 
marine boat? " 

"That flew up into the air ! " 

Another Consideration 
" You must get an automobile, Rudolph ! " 
"Well, I might get one on credit — but how 
about the benzine ? " 

Each Had Its History 

A woman lawyer, showing her dresses, said, 
" In this dress, my dear friends, I defended the 
infamous murderer, Muller ; in this, the well- 
known burglar, Schlosser; in this, the clever 
green-goods man, Shlapinski ; and in this, I 
represented the Countess Flirtinski, in her di- 
vorce suit." 



German *BGlft anO t>umor 293 

Change of Disposition 

A : — " The young Baron seems a very harm- 
less sort of fellow." 

B: — "Not any more — he bought an auto- 
mobile yesterday." 

Taking Man's Place 
Professor : — " My wife tells me that Fraulein 
Melanie is fairly in love with her automobile ! 
Another instance of man being replaced by a 
machine ! " 

Adding Insult to Injury 
Dealer (who has just been knocked down by 
an auto) : — " What do you think of that Baron ! 
First, he borrows my benzine, and then he runs 
over me with his automobile ! " 

It Could Accomplish Much 
Automobile Dealer: — "I can recommend 
this motor of twelve horsepower ; with it you 
can run over the largest furniture van with 
ease." 

Hl-Luck 
" Why was your marriage put off ? " 
"Because when we autoed to be wedded, 

we ran over the magistrate who was to tie the 

knot." 



294 ©erman TOit anD *feumor 

Modern Alternative 
"Papa, now let me tell you; either you buy 
me an auto, or I'll use you as the comic char- 
acter in my new novel." 

The Lesser Danger 

Brakeman (to couple walking on the ties) : — 
" Don't you know that it is not only forbidden, 
but very dangerous, to walk on the ties? " 

" Yes, but not nearly so dangerous as on the 
highway with all those red devils running 
about." 

Extended Payments 

" Automobile all right — well built 1 — How 
much?" 

"Seven thousand, five hundred marks." 

" Yearly payments ? " 

"Yes, sir." 

"Good! I'll take the auto with me! I'll 
pay one hundred marks per annum. My father 
and grandfather both lived to be over seventy 1 " 

Much in Demand 

" Johann, has my husband returned from his 
auto ride?" 

" No, gracious lady, and the third policeman 
has just been here, asking for him." 



©erman Wlit and Dumot 295 

A Modern Dowry 
Father (to his daughter's fiancee) : — " Be- 
sides the necessary outfit, we can give our 
daughter only an automobile, a piano, and a 
camera ! ' ' 

A Polite Gentleman 
" How did you come to buy an auto? " 
" Well, it happened this way. I wanted to 
get some delicatessen for supper, but made a 
mistake in the shop door and got into an auto- 
mobile place, and as I didn't want to be so im- 
polite and go off without buying something, 1 
just took an auto." 

An Obedient Patient 

She: — "What does this mean? You just 
consulted the doctor about your catarrh and 
here you sit and drink beer all day long ! " 

He (smiling cunningly) : — "Well, you see 
the doctor forbid my smoking dry." 

A Bad Position 

" If the Baron has so many debts, why doesn't 
he find a wealthy wife?" 

"Ah, but his debts are so many that one 
wife wouldn't do any good at all ! " ^ 



296 ©erman TOUt an& ftumor 

Laconic 
Young Lawyer : — " Was a client here? " 
Clerk: — "One, I think, during the dinner 
hour; your overcoat is missing.' ' 

The Life-Saver 
Housemaid (rushing into the artist's studio) : 
— " For heaven's sake, Herr Pempe, hide your- 
self — or go away for a time at once ! A while 
ago there were six or eight gentlemen here, who 
said they were the i hanging committee ' and 
wanted you ! I had hard work to get rid of 
them, but they are coming back soon ! " 

No Danger 
"I hope your lawyer is not going to let the 
District-attorney intimidate her ! " 

" Goodness, no ! She is his mother-in-law ! " 

Inexperienced 

Husband: — " What did you do with your- 
self, dear, while I was at the club ? ' ' 

Wife : — " I was very industrious, I mended 
all those horrid holes in your lion and tiger 
skins." 

Husband : — " Why my dear child, what were 
you thinking of ! Those holes were my great- 
est pride ; they represented my best shots ! " 



(Betman THRU anfc f>umoc 297 

Cautious 

Cashier: — "To make you feel perfectly 
secure, I'll present you with my photograph." 

Banker : — " Haven't you one without a 
beard?" 

Not so Bad as Painted 

Malicious Painter : — "Just think, I received 
three orders for portraits to-day ! ' ' 

Friend: — "There, now you see, people are 
not as bad as you paint them." 

An Indirect Cure 

Doctor: — "Well, you seem to be quite well 
again ! Did you take my pills every day ? ' ' 

Countryman: — "Oh, yes, I took them all 
right. You see, it was this way, doctor. My 
black hen got at the box of pills and ate them 
all up. So I killed the hen and ate her, and so 
1 got well again." 

A Practical Savings-bank 

" If I take my cod -liver oil nicely, mother 
always gives me five pfennig." 

"And what do you do with so much 
money ? ' ' 

" Oh, mother puts it into my bank and buys 
more cod-liver oil with it." 



298 ©etman TEQUt an& Ibumor 

Anonym Did It 

Boy (to his father in a picture gallery) : — 
" Father, what kind of a painter is this 
' Anonym ' whose name is mentioned so often 
in the catalogue ? ' ' 

Father: — "What a foolish boy you are! 
Anonym is a foreign word and means that the 
painter wishes to be unknown for the present.' ' 

Father (at home, several hours later) : — " It 
is perfectly dreadful the way you children 
meddle with everything ; there is no end to 
your mischief ! Now my beautiful meerschaum 
pipe has been broken. Who did it?" 

Boy : — "Anonym, father 1 " 

A Good Example 

Mother: — "Remember, Franz, it is very 
naughty to lean on your elbows as you are 
doing just now." 

Franz (pointing at a picture of the Sistine 
Madonna hanging in the room) : — " Oh, but 
mother, those two angels there are doing the 
same thing." 

Pride of Birth 
Little Baroness : — " When people die they go 
to heaven, do they not ? and when a child dies 
it goes to heaven too " 



(Berman TOUt and t)umot 299 

Baroness : — " And is called an angel." 
Little Baroness : — " But, mamma, if one of us 

should die we would be called < von angel,' of 

course?" 

Logic 

Child : — " Mamma is it true that people are 
made of dust? M 

Mother : — " Yes, my dear." 

Child : — " Are the negroes made of coal-dust, 
then?" 

The Wrong Way 

A teacher took an apple from one of the 
pupils, and after awhile, believing himself un- 
noticed, ate it. The pupil began to cough. 
"What is the matter with you," asks the 
teacher. 

" Why, my apple went down the wrong way, 
sir." 

A Good Excuse 

Mother (to her six year old son) : — "Fritz, 
how did this happen ? Your new trousers have 
already several holes in them ! " 

Fritz: — "Oh, but mother, you can't expect 
me to be always looking out for what goes on 
behind my back ! ' ' 



AIIO 24 1903 



m 



